Don't have advice about whether to or not to. Can you go with him to next dr. appt. & ask about how to make things better? I have same feelings; unsatisfactory sex for all the "work" to get to it. I think the feelings are pretty normal, but only you can decide if you want to try or not. It is so frustrating to anticipate & then have failure time after time, plus feeling like I'm already doing so much & this is just one more "chore". Talk to him if you can & to his doctor. Are there any books out there about the subject?

I agree with bedecent but would add, get yourself checked out. You aren't too young to be in perimenepause(comes before menopause which is when periods stop). Some women go through an extended period of time when their bodies are slowly changiung over, but not really getting the job done. That, on top of caregiving and his actual sexual issues, could be causing some of the problem. I know for me, having mood swings, and mild nausea(like almost morning sickness with no payoff), sent me to the Dr. For several years he'd ask about fatigue--but I kept sayoing "no." After a physical, he suggested a short course of replacement hormone therapy to give my body a baseline, and then it could do it's up and/or down thing. Within 3 weeks I felt better, and had way more energy. It didn't change performance issues, or caregiving issues, but I could handle things better. The Dr. was also candid as to what can work, might work, and won't work. That helps get both your heads around the issues and reduces the banging your head against the wall. You can concentrate on the things that work and build on them. rocasi

My husband has dementia and celiac disease. I felt the same way that you do since my husband requires a lot of assistance. It wasn't until God acutally opened my eyes to show me that I was focusing more on the disease than my husband. I began to see my husbnd instead of the disease and began thanking God for allowing me to minister to my husband. My whole out look changed when I actually saw my husband and our life is so much better than before. I realized I was not his mother but his wife. JUst that relization helped me in every area of our married life. I think also that seeing that I am mininstering to my husband and seeing it as a blessing and honor to get this awesome opportunity in my life has helped me the most. As a volunteeer hospital chaplain I can tell you that a lot of women would rather be in our position than in one where they had no chance at all of getting more time with their husbands. I am trying to stay focused on Jesus and His unconditional love for me and how He went to the cross with the joy set before HIm and realizing we are that Joy that the scriptures were refering to. We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs & Blessings

Excellent advice all around!!! My husband like to pretend he can still function in that area. Makes him feel like he's still a real man. So he makes totally inappropriate comments at really inconvient times. I put it down as a male ego thing. I have no desire for him. I love him and will take care of him for however long the good Lord grants us. But I have to admit I take care of myself in that way.

Angeline, I'm with you!

I am a male taking care of my wife of 29+ years, 24/7. Exhaustion and frustration in her care is my primary problem. She has advanced parkinsons, fibromyalgia, lupus, is totally incontinent using a catheter and bag, is very obese, and has been bi-polar prior to when we met. As you contemplate those symptoms, she also questions why I no longer want to make love to her, why my desire is no longer there for her, etc. To be honest with her would just cause her pain and hurt, so I tell her that it's just my age, and the sexual desires I've had in the past are just gone because of that. Truth be told, my libido is as strong as ever and the sexual desires still there. But because I'm taking care of her 24/7, she's on a catheter, she needs to be cleaned up after a bowel movement, as well as the obesity and immobility, any sexual desire for her has long gone. In my opinion, a sexual relationship, especially when married, isn't a duty, but a desire and want for both parties. A duty creates resentment. If you don't feel the desire or want, then you have two options: 1) tell him the truth; only you know how he'll accept that, and 2), tell a white lie why you just aren't interested.......menopause, lack of desire currently, etc. to prevent an unwanted hurt. I know I'm being a bit blunt, but it's the only way I know how to bridge this subject.

Since writing my advice, I clicked on your profile and noted that you have since lost your husband. My deepest condolences. I did not realize that the post was an old one. I wish you the best in the months to come.