Hi!
I didn't see that show but I went to Oprah's site & started reading Dr. Beck's site. Yes, I agree. I do the same thing, give and give to fill my self esteem. Asking for help is hard for me, receiving is hard, I want to be on the offensive, always giving so I don't have to look inside. I get worn out too. Wonder if people really like me. Not taking the time to relax and just be me. I will try now. Thanks for sharing I will keep on reading this is very good stuff. Sandi

Hi Sandi! I hope everyone is having a safe and wonderful Memorial Day weekend. I've found that one of my biggest problems in having low self-esteem is feeling the need to please everybody. Last summer I read book called "Pleasers: Why Women Don't Have to Make Everybody Happy in Order to be Happy" by Dr. Kevin Leman (or Lehman). In reading his accounts of women he's counselled, I couldn't help but see myself and was moved to tears. I HIGHLY recommend this book to anybody whose struggling with the disease to please.

you got it! very good topic.

I saw parts of that but didn't see the part about low self esteem. how interesting!
I didn't really think I had low self esteem until I got lupus and now, for various reasons, it is in the toilet.

I call myself the annoyingly helpful invisible maid/janitor/chaffeur/cook. I always tend to feel that while I'm helping others, they are irritated with me. It is so weird. I dont' think I'm imagining it either. I'll go all out helping someone to the point I feel way too exhausted and then they will complain about some little detail and not notice the 57.5 hours I put into the totally voluntary project.

I don't give help for the thank you and usually enjoy it while I'm doing it, but when I'm criticized or treated less than a member of the family, it really hurts.

Or, I'll cook a nice large holiday meal from scratch and enjoy doing it but feel too exhausted from it for my own good and then have the guests say "what, no rolls??"
I just can't wrap my head around how my life got to be this way.

I started seeing a counselor b/c I thought my head might just explode from this problem and in the end, I felt like she was too hard on me -- criticism without compassion. I can handle constructive criticism but she was like a drill seargent. I felt like I couldn't be open with her at all.

I guess I need to check out this reading material!

Hi I'm headed to the library now. My counselor said the way I'm making new boundaries with mom "is work" I need to look at it as I am taking care of me and it will take answering mom in a non emotional manner, because any raise in my voice mom will grab onto and make it look like I am the bad, bad guy.

I ordered the Pleasing book today from the library. Can't wait. I am getting better mom & I had a big blow out yesterday, I realized today it was her "fear" covered up in anger. Today things settled down, mom keeps saying this needs to be done, that needs to be done and now I speak up kindly and say can't do it (while smiling), I am behind on all my work/play. It will sink in, it's my life we're talking about. It is time I stop being the giver to everyone else and be the giver to me. I don't want to stay worn out I want to be excited to be alive.

I have to raise my hand here.

The messages I was given as a child have doomed me to the damnation of low self esteem.

I asked my own father once.. and he was the one that loved me for sure.. I asked, "Why is my nickname Dolly?" I was so excited to know why it came about! My brother and sister had such cute stories behind their nicknames!

He said.. and I quote here..

"Because a dolly is a play thing without any brains!"

I have spent my life trying to forget the horror of his words.

Hi Sunshine: words heard when we were little sure stick with us don't they. I too had words spoken over me. I've asked God to please replace them with more positive words. That is so sad about your nickname, I would nickname you sunshine. May we all learn to be better role models. When I heard what your dad said I almost stopped breathing, really. I understand!

Another good read is Boundaries: When to Say no and Take Control of your life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I finished this book a few days before Michael's mil left for New York. She can be rather demanding in her own way, wanting things to be done in her time and on her terms; but little by little, I am learning to set boundaries with her. I can totally relate to you mechellebelle but I've learned to allow myself to be human whereas before if I made one little mistake in spite of the million things that I do right on a daily basis, it was like the end of the world. Once I learned how to start taking care of me and saying no, I began to feel much better. In a nutshell, the only One we have to please is God and it doesn't please Him when we don't take care of ourselves. I would rather please God even if it means I have to disappoint others in the process rather than vice versa; but be warned. When you learn how to start setting boundaries, those around you may be uncomfortable and may even try to sabortage your efforts at self-improvement because they're more comfortable with the way things use to be.

I've also recommended the Boundaries book -- it really helped me but I have to say that I didn't agree with it 100%. Sometimes God wants us to say yes and maybe the book makes this process seem a bit businesslike, saying no a whole lot. We need to say Yes and NO with Godly discernment.
Anyway, I am praying this week about that very issue of how we see ourselves in our humanness.
I'm praying that God help me see myself as HE wants me to.
Often, all I can see are my mistakes or times when I was misunderstood and judged based upon false information.
That does not add up to me. That does not define me.
I grew up in a very critical environment and I'm working on overcoming the effects. God has helped me evolve a lot but I still have a lot of work to do!

Like what you said, I just told DH last night that just because I am trying to change myself and my own image and not be invisible anymore, doesn't mean others around me are on the same page.

Last night FIL stopped by for a visit before DH came home. I had the same conversations with FIL that DH did (later) and FIL's answers were completely different. His responses to me were sort of authoritative, snippy and like he saw me as below him, and telling me how to plant tomatoes like I'm an idiot who can't follow directions.

His answers to his son were all meek and servant-like "gee, I didn't know that" or I've never planted a tomato in my life, what do you recommend son?"

DH and I giggled about it later. I am trying not to let it get under my skin, which is a big achievement for me.

The trying not to let it get under the skin is my biggest challenge. Maybe since I never gave birth to a child, I'm clueless as to how to be in charge. Plus living with my toxic mother (who knew before I did not now I do) I have to force myself to improve, read self help books, pray hard, keep myself busy with my happy things. I tried to replace my inside door to have a lock on it but I'm having a problem with the knob, I've asked for help on line at another site (mom keeps opening the door and yelling down at me what good is a door). I feel worn out being in the same room with mom, she is diagnosed with chemical depression. All I know is I can't go on like this. I need today to get the lock on the door.