This is a good place to vent..sometime we reach our limits.. Perhaps there are other options for your Mom.. maybe a live -in ..retirement communitys are not always so awful.. I worked in some and found them very pleasant.. In fact I wish i could live in one myself right now.. the one thing I would say is it's not OK for her to be rude.. You must set boundries.. If she is saying this in front of the children,what kind of an example is that setting for them... remember it's your home.. maybe some family therapy might help.. What ever you do, take care of yourself Love D

I don't know your whole situation as far as mom goes, but I had this same problem with my great aunt, who was like my mom to me, she was very mean to me. The older and more sick and helpless she got the more mean she got, I thought I'd be a nutcase sniveling in the corner the rest of my life before it was over. She never let up. Unfortunately it is something people do, as they get older and helpless they get angry. Not only at themselves for being helpless, but at you for lack of anyone else to be angry at. I am NOT saying that this makes it ok. I wish I could tell you some way to make it stop, but I never found one. The day my aunt died she called me in and asked me to hold her hand, it wasn't until that moment that I finally knew that she truely did love me and appreciated my being there for her. Unless there is some underlying reason for her meanness, I would say, yes, it is horrible now, but the end result of what you may learn is by far worth it.

I have problems with my Mom getting snappy sometimes over things like wearing paper underwear for instance, and I realize with her, that she's actually more mad with the fact that she's losing her independence than being mad at me. I try to look at it that way, and when I can it's much easier, but it's easier said than done. Just know that you're not alone, and feel free to jump on here and vent to us anytime. That helps me - to be able to communicate with others that are in the same situation.

To tell you the truth.. I am the one that gets snappy sometimes.. I guess it just comes from being helpless and at times hopeless.. i wish i could always be happy go luck but I can't and I have learned that it's ok.. I hate to carry gulit.. even if I go months without a little blow up or some anger spewing out.. the guilt would kill me..Now i just chaulk it up as being human.. Mom is very easy but at times like the pretender says she is sick and out of sorts and can say things that rub me the wrong way.. I guess chalking it up to there illness and knowing they are really not directing it at you helps.. Love D

I hope my reply doesn't get to long, but there is much to cover in your situation. I am currently in the middle of a "Taking Care of the Caregiver" Course, an 18 hr course on how we as a caregiver MUST take care of ourself first. It is a fact that a high percentage of caregivers pass on before the one they are careing for, due to the stress and severety of their job duties.
Your anxiety attacks are an early warning that things must change fast or you may find yourself in the ER with a heart attack or stroke. If that happens, you will be in no position to help your mom, your kids, your husband, or even your granddaughter. One of our class discussions pertained to a situation nearly identical to your situation.
Through the discussion, we learned that priorities must be set in the caring: 1) yourself, 2)your children, 3)your husband, 4)mom/dad/aunt/
uncle/sibling/etc. If #4 has become #1, then other resources need to be found to assist in getting the proper priorities. In your case, with young children in the home, it is vital they are the primary receivers of your care. Sources of assistance:
1) Family. Don't take no for an answer, get them involved. In your case, your family source are your siblings. Have a sibling get together or phone confernce to discuss the needs of your mom and how to share. Also discuss the negitivity of her phone calls to your siblings. Your husband, & children are already involved. 2) Contact your county health agency for available resouces. They should be able to provide you with several. Also check to see if they have a Caregivers Counselor or Manager that can sit down with you and review your situation. In my case they provided many resourses I wasn't aware of. 3) Look into adult daycare. In most cases, the fees are very reasonable. Use it once or twice a week to give your entire family a break. Your mom may find activities and friends to improve her moods.
4)Check with your state or county to see if there is limited no charge respite relief available. Also, check with your local hospital or even church for assistance. If they can't provide it, someone may know
where else to find help.

It may be time to find the reason for your moms anger. We can assume, but may not be right. Is she open to a sit down heart to heart talk?
Is she open to a talk with a doctor. Discuss with the county, if a social worker counselor could come by and talk with her. Your moms age allows for many different elderly agencies to assist if contacted.

You have to take the load off, or you may not be around to enjoy your children and grandchildren. I admire your dedication to caregiving for your mom, even with the abuse you receive. I doubt if I could do it. I hope this helps a little. Many hugs.

You've got my compassion and support in this situation. You've gotten some really great advice here. I once had to go to the ER for a severe panic attack. I'm with you! Take care of yourself!