
Caregivers Support Group
A voluntary caregiver is a spouse, relative, friend or neighbor of a disabled person or child who assists with activities of daily living and assists those unable to fully take care of themselves. The challenges of a caregiver are unique and sometimes it's hard to find people to talk to who know what you're going through. Join the conversation and find others who...

deleted_user
Well where do I begin. My dad died in 1999 and my husband and myself have basically been taking care of my mom since then. We have all been living together for about 4 years now and I have two kids 9 and 12 still at home plus a 25 year old with a 3 yr old daughter. My 25 year old has a defibillator since she was 15 so I was pretty much worn out when I started taking care of my mom. My mom has said so many things to me and my husband that were just so hurtful in the past 4 years that it is hard for me to get pass them. However I still take care of her because she is my mom. It is getting harder and harder for me. I anxiety attacks that send me to the ER and I am on medication for them now. Sometimes I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I have 5 other brothers and sisters but they don't help me out. They don't even come and pick her up for an hour or two. Whenever we leave the house to take the kids for an outing somewhere she gets on the phone and tells everyone that will listen that we have left her at home alone. If I don't get out and away sometimes I feel like I will just bust. She has said so many hurtful things to me that I have pretty much gotten use to it. It use to make me cry more than I does now. I don't know which is better crying or resentment. I hate to say it but sometimes I hate to see her come into the room. I would not put her in a facility because I don't think I could live with myself if something were to happen to her. But if she was not my mom I would not do this anymore. I just needed to vent some. I have so much built up inside of me if I ever let it out I don't know if I could stop crying.
Thanks for the time.
Thanks for the time.
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Your anxiety attacks are an early warning that things must change fast or you may find yourself in the ER with a heart attack or stroke. If that happens, you will be in no position to help your mom, your kids, your husband, or even your granddaughter. One of our class discussions pertained to a situation nearly identical to your situation.
Through the discussion, we learned that priorities must be set in the caring: 1) yourself, 2)your children, 3)your husband, 4)mom/dad/aunt/
uncle/sibling/etc. If #4 has become #1, then other resources need to be found to assist in getting the proper priorities. In your case, with young children in the home, it is vital they are the primary receivers of your care. Sources of assistance:
1) Family. Don't take no for an answer, get them involved. In your case, your family source are your siblings. Have a sibling get together or phone confernce to discuss the needs of your mom and how to share. Also discuss the negitivity of her phone calls to your siblings. Your husband, & children are already involved. 2) Contact your county health agency for available resouces. They should be able to provide you with several. Also check to see if they have a Caregivers Counselor or Manager that can sit down with you and review your situation. In my case they provided many resourses I wasn't aware of. 3) Look into adult daycare. In most cases, the fees are very reasonable. Use it once or twice a week to give your entire family a break. Your mom may find activities and friends to improve her moods.
4)Check with your state or county to see if there is limited no charge respite relief available. Also, check with your local hospital or even church for assistance. If they can't provide it, someone may know
where else to find help.
It may be time to find the reason for your moms anger. We can assume, but may not be right. Is she open to a sit down heart to heart talk?
Is she open to a talk with a doctor. Discuss with the county, if a social worker counselor could come by and talk with her. Your moms age allows for many different elderly agencies to assist if contacted.
You have to take the load off, or you may not be around to enjoy your children and grandchildren. I admire your dedication to caregiving for your mom, even with the abuse you receive. I doubt if I could do it. I hope this helps a little. Many hugs.