
Caregivers Support Group
A voluntary caregiver is a spouse, relative, friend or neighbor of a disabled person or child who assists with activities of daily living and assists those unable to fully take care of themselves. The challenges of a caregiver are unique and sometimes it's hard to find people to talk to who know what you're going through. Join the conversation and find others who...

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I must be the most selfish b---- that ever lived. I take care of my 90 yr old mom but not myself. I have no longer got a life of my own. I do love her but I don't know how much longer I can go on. And I don't need someone during the day for a few hours. I need my life back. She wants to stay with me and won't even consider assisted living. She doesn't have a clue how hard this is for me. I am not well myself and I am getting worse everyday. I have physical problems and am bipolar. I can't go anywhere with my husband because I can't leave her alone. She had a big fight with my sister who she used to live with and she won't go back. And my sister refuses to take her back even if she would go. She had all the room in the world at my sisters and I have no room in my small house at all. There is just stuff all over the place and I can't fit another thing. She sleeps in the living room because she can't climb the stairs all the time. She had her own room at my sisters. This is just stupid and I am worn out. I don't know what to do. If she went to assisted living she would have friends and places to go. But she won't even consider it. I would still see her every day. I want her to be happy, but I want a life too. Am I just a selfish b----? And I don't want her to think I don't want her.
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Many years ago I let an older brother who was alcoholic disrupt my home and my bank account. Hubby made me go to therapist and they made me see it was just as much my fault as his and it wasn't helping him one bit and it was making me sick and disrupting my family's life. I had also let my mother move in and out of our home whenever she felt like it.
I am 79 years old and I firmly believe the more you give the more gets taken when it comes to family. I don't know about others families but we never got a thank you from any of the many we helped, the more we gave the more they wanted.
The therapist made me see that they cannot take what I am not willing to give. That is when I learned the difference between helping (we gladly helped pay such as school tuition) and being took advantage of.
My cousins put one of my aunts in a home and she raised holy hell for about a month, wouldn't talk to them on the phone or let them come to see her. Then she turned into a very lovable old lady after she got involved in the activities and told her children she wished they had put her there sooner.
I do hope you get some help, I have a friend who is bipolar and it is very stresfull to live with. You don't need added troubles.
And, for heavens sake, do not feel guilty for sticking up for yourself, if you don't, who will.
Know for sure, that you are not selfish. You have a life also, and you owe it to yourself to live it.
As much as we would like and feel obligated to take care of our parents in our own homes, it's often not possible or feasible. It was never a case that I didn't want her or didn't care. It simply just wasn't feasible.
NO, you are not selfish...you are human. One of the hardest things I had to endure, that a lot of us, I suspect, does is that we are part of the sandwich generation - caring for our parents while also caring for our own families, and often young children. We get stretched so thin that we don't know at times whether we're coming or going.
No, you're not selfish - you're human.
My mother finally had to accept that she had to live somewhere else besides her home that she and my dad built. It was hard, but it was necessary. As I told a family friend who was constantly telling me that I should let her live with me, the Waltons don't exist anymore, not in the real world they don't.
No, you're not selfish - you're human and you're totally normal.
i care for my grandma deeply but taking care of her is so hard sometimes and so energy draining, i feel like i lost myself in the care of her...
im finding myself again tho
you will also
just do what your heart feels is the right thing
YOU ARE NORMAL AND YOU ARE SAYING NORMAL THINGS AND WANTING A NORMAL LIFE BACK.
Even a newborn baby gives us more time and a life to enjoy.
Not only does she soak up every attention cell on the planet, she is also going to soak up more as she gets older and time goes by.
YOUR TIME.. as YOUR life goes by.
She isn't being selfish either. She is baby-like emotionally, even if she is in a 90 year old body and gives orders or cries for your attention.
I went to a therapist who speicalizes in Elder Care Issues. It was a God Send. I stopped being a complete doormat to my MIL, and started being better to myself.
And, I found that what I was feeling was normal.
Your life is ending too. You are on your last years too. What are you going to do about it?
Not even the Pope has made an edict about caregiving and the devastation it wrecks on those lives it touches. The loss of life. the loss of it all.. for our elderly parents or whoever we care for.
Caring for a child is so different than an elderly person.
I recommend that you see a therapist to learn how to set boundaries. And, if necessary, how to free yourself from this caregiving mess.
It might be placement for her.. or not, but you need freedom.
I feel the same way you do. Oh my God! I went out and bought a house for me to leave my husband and move into it! Anything and anyway to get rid of that old woman in my life!
My MIL has disliked or hated me forever. Long before dementia. And after when she came to live here, she is a sharp razor with a snarling nasty attitude. She is an emotional blackmailer and an attention hound. And, she acts like she is the Holy Woman of the Planet. She has the victim role down like nobody else.. and she LOVES to drag her cross when she isn't nailed to it.
There are few choices for us to make decisions, and there are legions of neighbors, store clerks, and whoevers that will say..
"Oh.. your poor mother! She is loosing everything isn't she? Oh, that poor sweet old lady, how sad."
When the truth is..
She is doing everything she is able to do, everything she is capable of doing. She is encouraged and cared for..
IT IS YOU WHO IS LOOSING EVERYTHING!!!!
You are capable and able to do EVERYTHING life offers.. and you are loosing it all to caregiving.
Nobody "gets" that like another caregiver will.
I get it.. and I support your angst and encourage you to see a therapist for your wellness.