You should have a counselor talk to your mother, and you should talk to one and I bet they will tell you to put her in a home. No one person should have to completely disrupt their life for another person, be it parent , child or sibling.
Many years ago I let an older brother who was alcoholic disrupt my home and my bank account. Hubby made me go to therapist and they made me see it was just as much my fault as his and it wasn't helping him one bit and it was making me sick and disrupting my family's life. I had also let my mother move in and out of our home whenever she felt like it.
I am 79 years old and I firmly believe the more you give the more gets taken when it comes to family. I don't know about others families but we never got a thank you from any of the many we helped, the more we gave the more they wanted.
The therapist made me see that they cannot take what I am not willing to give. That is when I learned the difference between helping (we gladly helped pay such as school tuition) and being took advantage of.

My cousins put one of my aunts in a home and she raised holy hell for about a month, wouldn't talk to them on the phone or let them come to see her. Then she turned into a very lovable old lady after she got involved in the activities and told her children she wished they had put her there sooner.
I do hope you get some help, I have a friend who is bipolar and it is very stresfull to live with. You don't need added troubles.
And, for heavens sake, do not feel guilty for sticking up for yourself, if you don't, who will.

I to take care of my mom it is very hard she made a deal w/me you take care of me till i die and you can have my house that was 15 years ago we never thought she would live this long. We have lots of family all around us but she wants only me. I have a good husband and we do as many things together as we can. I don't work because of mom she has a good income to keep me home for her but it gets boring. She won't leave the house at all stays in her room all day she has (macurlar degeneration)can not see very good.

I don't know if Ohio has asistance through the county health department, but give them a call and see if they have assistance available. In Illinois, the county health departments do provide assistance in many ways. I am currently going through a "Caring for the Caregiver" class, and one of the first things they taught us is to take care of ourselves first. We can't care for others if we don't take care of ourselves. We also learned that in some cases, for the sake of our own families and lives, we must turn over the caregiving to others, whether it's other family members or assisted care/nursing home care. We have to ignore the guilt of doing so, and protect our own families.

Know for sure, that you are not selfish. You have a life also, and you owe it to yourself to live it.

Hi. First off I do not feel you are selfish at all..You sound a little overwelmed .. We all feel that way at one time or another when we have to care for a loved one full time..In fact i think that's the reason for the wonderful support group here.. I know many people who really enjoy being in a retirement community.. for some of us who's parent or loved one are not able to have that option then we have to do other things.. But maybe your Mom could try it for a couple of weeks and see how it works for her.. they do allow people to do that.. At least with the ones I know about..Love D

Thank you for all your support. This ordeal has really been hard on me. I just wish she would see this and offer to go to assisted living. This would solve most of the problems.

I can see this in the future for me - it is so hard - I think you should have a life of your own - and talking to a counsellor will help you with this, I agree with the others....stay strong, but for yourself as well as your mother, I know I am going to have to learn to Cathrynn X

My sweet friend, you are not selfish. Caring for another is a tremendous act of service, but you must take care of yourself and your family. At 90 your mother is not going to live forever, but if you don't take care of yourself first, she just might out live you! Don't let her do that to you. She knows you love her and if she loves you she'll make the move that would be best for you. I love my mother too, but I am having to take a hard look at what I am doing to my family. My husband works out of state right now and I'm not with him because I didn't want mother to have to move and change doctors and her routine. What's wrong with that picture???? I'm married to my husband, not my mother. She has lived her life and it's my turn. She needs to live on my family terms, not the other way around. She can be selfish sometimes and only wants me to do for her, but I have started making plans to move to AZ with my husband and gave her the choice ... come or stay here, but I'm going. Stay strong and know that there are many out here to support you. You can do this ... and we will help you!!

Don't be hard on yourself, you are not a b....! What you are doing is very sensible because you are identifying your limits and reaching out for help. It sounds like you have done very well but you know how much you can handle and there is no need to feel guilty about it at all. Start looking at alternative arrangements for your dear mum and reassure her its best for her and you. She is probably fearful of you abandoning her (as she may have perceived your sister to have done). Try and stay positive about a move and stick to your guns!

You are not selfish. You are fighing for your own survial and sanity. After my dad died and I had to become caretake to my mom, I knew it would be absolutely impossible to do it in my own home. I work, I had a young child and quite frankly, my home wasn't set up for it and she needed more help than I could reasonably give. Fortunately, there was an assisted living facility about 2-3 miles from my home. She had her own 1 bedroom apt. and I got back a small sliver of my life, brief that it was.

As much as we would like and feel obligated to take care of our parents in our own homes, it's often not possible or feasible. It was never a case that I didn't want her or didn't care. It simply just wasn't feasible.

NO, you are not selfish...you are human. One of the hardest things I had to endure, that a lot of us, I suspect, does is that we are part of the sandwich generation - caring for our parents while also caring for our own families, and often young children. We get stretched so thin that we don't know at times whether we're coming or going.

No, you're not selfish - you're human.

My mother finally had to accept that she had to live somewhere else besides her home that she and my dad built. It was hard, but it was necessary. As I told a family friend who was constantly telling me that I should let her live with me, the Waltons don't exist anymore, not in the real world they don't.

No, you're not selfish - you're human and you're totally normal.

Its ok to ahve these feelings...we all do at one time or another. Remebrt to take care of yourself. your no ggod to anyone if you forget that.

i know exactly how you feel
i care for my grandma deeply but taking care of her is so hard sometimes and so energy draining, i feel like i lost myself in the care of her...
im finding myself again tho
you will also
just do what your heart feels is the right thing

No, I don't think that you're being selfish at all. You are looking out for yourself, and although I'm not good at practicing this - I keep hearing and reading that we caregivers should care for our own needs, or we'll be useless to the person we're giving care to. I'm facing a similar situation with Mom, in that my health is beginning to limitate me in what I can do for her, and since my stinking brothers aren't interested in her anymore, I've got some decisions to make too. It's a tough decision, but we have to do what's best for ourselves too.

no, you are being selfish at all. You deserve a life yourself. You need to time yourself to be able to reflect. You have every right to feel the way you do.

You are not a bitch. You are not selfish. You are not being a terrible person, child, or anything.

YOU ARE NORMAL AND YOU ARE SAYING NORMAL THINGS AND WANTING A NORMAL LIFE BACK.

Even a newborn baby gives us more time and a life to enjoy.

Not only does she soak up every attention cell on the planet, she is also going to soak up more as she gets older and time goes by.

YOUR TIME.. as YOUR life goes by.

She isn't being selfish either. She is baby-like emotionally, even if she is in a 90 year old body and gives orders or cries for your attention.

I went to a therapist who speicalizes in Elder Care Issues. It was a God Send. I stopped being a complete doormat to my MIL, and started being better to myself.

And, I found that what I was feeling was normal.

Your life is ending too. You are on your last years too. What are you going to do about it?

Not even the Pope has made an edict about caregiving and the devastation it wrecks on those lives it touches. The loss of life. the loss of it all.. for our elderly parents or whoever we care for.

Caring for a child is so different than an elderly person.

I recommend that you see a therapist to learn how to set boundaries. And, if necessary, how to free yourself from this caregiving mess.

It might be placement for her.. or not, but you need freedom.

I feel the same way you do. Oh my God! I went out and bought a house for me to leave my husband and move into it! Anything and anyway to get rid of that old woman in my life!

My MIL has disliked or hated me forever. Long before dementia. And after when she came to live here, she is a sharp razor with a snarling nasty attitude. She is an emotional blackmailer and an attention hound. And, she acts like she is the Holy Woman of the Planet. She has the victim role down like nobody else.. and she LOVES to drag her cross when she isn't nailed to it.

There are few choices for us to make decisions, and there are legions of neighbors, store clerks, and whoevers that will say..

"Oh.. your poor mother! She is loosing everything isn't she? Oh, that poor sweet old lady, how sad."

When the truth is..

She is doing everything she is able to do, everything she is capable of doing. She is encouraged and cared for..

IT IS YOU WHO IS LOOSING EVERYTHING!!!!

You are capable and able to do EVERYTHING life offers.. and you are loosing it all to caregiving.

Nobody "gets" that like another caregiver will.

I get it.. and I support your angst and encourage you to see a therapist for your wellness.