Caregivers Support Group

A voluntary caregiver is a spouse, relative, friend or neighbor of a disabled person or child who assists with activities of daily living and assists those unable to fully take care of themselves. The challenges of a caregiver are unique and sometimes it's hard to find people to talk to who know what you're going through. Join the conversation and find others who...

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Helping mother undertand she's not helping me!

deleted_user
deleted_user
My mother is 84 years old and a stroke victim which has left her paralyzed on the right and limited/no speech ability. I'm having problems lately because she sees that I'm tired and tries to help but what she tries to do doesn't help me. Yesterday she was on the potty and trying to reach down and take off her shoes and fell head first into the bathtub. I was in the laundry room and she was yelling for me to come help her get up. This is the second time she has done this and when I try to explain to her that she can't reach her shoes she just looks at me and says "I know". Today she was at her tray in her wheelchair and then takes her dishes onto her lap and tries to move into the kitchen to place the dishes on the sink. One, she would never make the turn into the kitchen and two she spills all along the way. I know she must be so frustrated but it's been 8 years and she's not going to get any better. I hate when I get angry and I try to help her understand, but it's almost like she just doesn't care and continues to do it anyway. I hate that I think to myself I wish she would just pass on. I miss living with my husband who has a job in AZ while I have remained in CA to care for my mother as we felt moving her right now would disrupt her world. Help ... or am I just being selfish????
deleted_user
deleted_user
phypoy01,
I know how you feel I relocated for awhile to take care of my grandmother and it was a long six months. My hubby lived here in Fla. and I was in Ga.
I had some of the same feelings you are having and then felt so guilty for having them. I can not say for sure but feel it is one of the stages of emotions a caregiver goes through.

If there is anything I can do for you just let me know.

Love and Hugs........Shelba
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi, My feeling is that all caregivers at one time or another have had these feelings..I do not think it's selfish at all to want to have your life back where your Husband is... I have a feeling your Mommy would adjust if you had to make changes .. Just my two cents.. Much Love D
deleted_user
deleted_user
No your not at all being selfish. Your being human. Your mom just figures that maybe she can help you out some. not that it works. just makes things harder. its also a way of her trying to be somwhat independent. its just makes things harder on the caregiver. Its ok to get upset because we all get tired. Have you talked to mom about moving she might just be willing and would like a change? Good luck and take care. God Bless
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have seen this post just as I had been having a talk about my mother losing her hearing aid yet again! the hearing aid seems to rule our life! My mother lately says she really hates herself, at 90, and not being able to operate as she used to, is disabled and partially sighted. It must be sooooo tough - but also, so frustrating and I think we have to recognise that the frustration and exhaustion in ourselves must be honoured by accepting ourselves a little more? I honestly think it is one of the toughest things, made worse because you are watching a much loved parent get older and more infirm and this is so painful. Recently I found by mistake the co-dependency community and it has a lot of good things in there that make sense when dealing with loved ones in a balanced way, it has helped me..:0)

take care....Cathrynn X
deleted_user
deleted_user
No, you're not being selfish at all. You need and miss your life. I know just how you feel. My mom is 90 and healthier than yours and trys to do things to help like the dishes. She can't see well and she thinks she has washed them but they are all still dirty and she puts them away like that. She spills makeup all over my couch and rug. She makes messes all over the place and I hate to scold her like a child but sometimes I find myself doing it anyway. A person can just take so much. Like you told me, you are entitled to your life. I am trying to accept that this is the way it is right now. If I don't I'll go crazy. I know she won't be around forever, but at this rate she'll outlive me. So I have to try to calm myself down and accept it. That keeps me a little bit sane.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Dear Lady, do not feel you are being selfish.
My husband of 59 years is terminal with cancer. He is just recently reached the personality change phase. The hospice nurse said 75% of patients go through this and I am asking myself how on this earth am I going to live through it. I keep telling myself that is not him acting like that, I really feel he has already left me and there is a stranger in my house. I am 79 years old and I am determined to take care of my own health, mental and physical. You have to do this to servive.
Love and hugs, Hazel
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