Caregivers Support Group
A voluntary caregiver is a spouse, relative, friend or neighbor of a disabled person or child who assists with activities of daily living and assists those unable to fully take care of themselves. The challenges of a caregiver are unique and sometimes it's hard to find people to talk to who know what you're going through. Join the conversation and find others who...
hi there, this is my first post in this community. i have been feeling just awful for a long time now, worse recently. i am 28, my mom has MS and i moved home 2 years ago to help out. i now live with my boyfriend 15 min from my parent's house. my dad is on the road with business all the time, so i am forced to deal with everything. he is constantly calling me worried about mom, or that something is wrong, or can i spend some time with her. i am so torn because i want to have my own life, i want to take care of me and my house and my boyfriend. i want o do well in my job. but i am doing none of these things because if i am not doing errands for mom or seeing her then i feel overcome with guilt. i even feel guilty when my boyfriend cuddles with me because i know my mom is alone and lonely. when my dad is home he is so stressed out by her that he snaps and can be mean. he actually wants to leave the house. he is gone so much and i am left to care for their animals, help clean, etc. sometimes mom just wants to have dinner and i feel awful that i would rather be at home. recently she had a bad fall and i moved in for two weeks since dad was gone. i thought i was losing my mind. and on top of all this, she recently found out that she is retaining so much urine that she needs to self catheterize, but she was sexually traumatized as a child and cannot do it. so she may go into renal failure and die but she says she would rather die than put in catheters. i can't take this, i am getting fat and acne and i have headaches all the time and tired all the time and moody and mean. i never get anything done at work, just stare at myspace all day or e-mail people. i can't take the guilt of not wanting to help but i can't take the helping either. HELP!!!!
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
My dad moved in with my husband and I 10 months ago.
I didnt think I would be a full time caregiver till I was 50 or so.
I know it seems so simple, but if you are not seeing a councelor. That
Would be the 1st thing I would recommend.
I went for the first time ever last week and I already feel so much relief.
If money is an issue, they have support groups. Just hearing others talk about the same issues you are going through helps a lot.
And 2nd if you have a relationship that allows it, I would sit down with your dad and try
To come to a happy middle that you both can help mom and not be so overwhelmed.
Dont let yourself get to upset, it will just grow and grow. I know I didnt get help as soon as I should have and I almost exploded. There IS help out there.
Good luck and welcome to the group, it really comes in handy to complain to others who understand what you are going though.
It's truly awesome that you help your mom!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a wonderful daughter!!!! ;-)
Wow! From your post I get the impression you feel overextended and out of control of your life. You are trying to cope with the demands on your life that you feel other people are making of you. This is what happens to so many caring people like yourself.
I'm certainly no authority on how to work all this out, but, I have some suggestions on how to sort things out a bit. They are some tools I use to keep me on track and help me be a healthier person.
Your parents issues are theirs NOT yours. This is tough because you feel like they affect you. They are adults and need to sort out their own stuff. Let go of this and things will improve for YOU and believe it or not them!
Prioritize. You have done quite a lot of it already in your post here. What you could do is put it down on paper .... It will help to see it in writing and you can revise as needed. Keep it simple, 2 columns for + and -, may get you started.
Meet with your family and discuss your priorities and WHY they have become necessary to you, in a kind and loving manner.
Stick to the priorities list as much as possible because it is fair to everyone. It gives you a sense of direction, you can better see your purpose and care for yourself and in turn everything else.
Know for a fact that you can only "control" you. You are a wonderful, mature and very responsible daughter so trust yourself in your feelings. It is your life and when you can pull your own strings, (so to speak,) you'll feel so much better.
Hugs,
Beverly
Just like the others said if possible talk to your dad and let him know how hard this is on you.
We are here to listen and offer what advise or support we can.
Love and Hugs........Shelba
I had to set boundaries b/c I was literally having mental issues thinking I had to be all, do all, etc.
and remember, you are totally allowed to enjoy your life. it's OK to say, I'm going to enjoy time with my boyfriend for an hour, then I'll go and give my mom an hour.
hugs. hang in there, it can get better!
1. You need to sit down and discuss with your dad, that his participation is necessisary for the sake of your mothers well being. That avoiding the house, is avoiding the problem, and that the problem needs HIS attention, not just yours...
2. Your mother needs to talk to a health professional, to discuss the issue with the catheter. She is opting for a fatalistic approach to this problem, which is neither good for her, you, or your father.
3. Obviously this entire problem is effecting yourself, your work, and most likely your relationship with your boyfriend. If financial resources allow, I would seek outside help for caregivers, since it is quite obvious that until your dad decides to step up to the plate, somebody--not just you, needs to help your mom.
4. I think this situation is getting close to the edge, which could fireball into neglect on everybodies part. There are several issues that need to be addressed and solved, and may benefit from a third party--such as a councelor or psychologist.
Have some idea of how you feel. I'm in my 30's, and hubby has had MS since before we met. We also have elderly parents who sometimes need more than we can pitch in.
It's normal to feel a bit guilty about not meeting everyone's needs all the time. But nobody can do that... and excessive guilt disables you, too, as you've found. It sounds trite, but once you've decided what your role is here, just do your best each day (whatever your best is that day) and you will have no reason to feel guilty. It will wear off after a while.
I do agree with the others, who make many good points about decision making and getting outside help for yourself and for your mother. This will help you to spend more quality time with your mom... not "tool time," as I call it. Also, you'll feel better about yourself, and be able to spend more time with your boyfriend.
My GP reminded me lately that "you're his spouse, not his nurse." You're in a different position, but as someone else said, your parents' problems do not equal your problems, even though you can do your best to help them solve those.
Do get together with them (and maybe a home health care professional) to talk about options for your mom's day-to-day needs.
Re the catheter problem: Don't have experience with internal ones yet. A lady I knew had one put in through her abdomen surgically. Don't know the details of how it works, except it passes through the abdominal wall instead of having to go up the urethra. Obviously different care is needed for one like this. It might be an idea if your mom is in need of it and is really set against doing the other, though.
All the best to you. This is a great group to talk to!