i don't think understanding 'why' helps at all. in order to let go and move on, it takes time to heal. just try to accept the new life you have now and be happy with it. you will be a happier person for it.

You could drive yourself crazy wondering..and to no avail.

Chances are..the reason why they leave really doesn't have much to do with us..and they don't fully understand it themselves.

Nope I don't think it is helpful. I know the OW and I think she just was there at the right time. I don't think this is about us, it is about our ex's. The letting go needs to be because they choose to be with someone besides us, understanding why won't help because it is a fantasy. They are living in a world that is not real. I know this woman, I know how controlling and hurtful she can be, he has told me this for too many years. But when sexual things become involved one loses their common sense. That is my opinion, hope it helps a little.

che2 Why do you think they dont fully understand it there self? It was her choice.

There's no logic in why people cheat. You can tell this from the myriad of excuses you get:

* It just happened
* It was an accident
* I didn't mean for it to happen
* They understand me
* I don't know how it happen for so long

There's no thought behind this. The only thought that may be envolved is the tourtured denial of reality it would take to completely ignore the vows someone took that include "forsaking all others".

Those words are just a formality, they're the ground rules to base a relationship off of, they break the ground on what are supposed to be a new beginning to two people and two people ONLY.

In a marriage, these ground rules are paramount. And a failure to uphold them is a reflection on the cheater's part, not the person being cheated on.

"But but but...there had to be reasons why the other person cheated."

Bullshit.

There had to be reasons why the person doing the cheating felt it necessary to inflict this kind of pain on their partner. A sadistic streak otherwise unrealised. Somehow, in their mind, this kind of behavior is okay.

But there's nothing that makes it okay.

So fight the fantasies and move on?

Yes.

Joe you are a better man than this. Yes you fight those fantasys with a big ole sword.

Then fight it I will. You know I get pretty tired of all these fights. It really drains me. But the drain from wondering why is just as bad. So fight I will.

There are no reasons. Any reasons they give are really just excuses they are making in their own mind to defend their actions. No one can make you have an affair. It is really just a personal decision on their part to break their vows. Just leave it alone and move on. It helped me a lot when I finally got to that point and stopped trying to understand it and just started to deal with it. Good luck.

Jungle, I have those same questions myself. I wondered why she was into the porn, cyber sexing and cheating. I was always there for her. I looked for those answers too. I didn't like what I found in the answers! : (

Joe & others probably facing the same thing. The answer is NO.
I'd survived an affair from her in 04 only to have it happen in 07. Apparantly, I didn't get the hint in 04 as she put it. Therefore, the first time around, I did everything to understand and consumed by what happened. This time, yes, I had my moments but just came to realize that I am better OFF without her. AND affairs NEVER ever last! That being said, just consider yourself lucky that she was stupid enough to think the grass was greener, which might be while everything is new and eupohoric but sooner or later, blam, she'll see the grass is dry and brown. and you'll be a healed person.

I dont think its helpful or even healthy to try to understand why the cheaters made the decisions they made because even if the reason is clear for them, at least for us "no cheaters", its not because its beyond our understanding. I agree with che2, their reasons dont have much to do with us but with their own selfish personalities and what they think its their "right".

When my stbx left, somehow I didnt ask the question to myself, because deep inside of me, I knew it. For the past three years, he proved again and again that he was only interested in himself and his own entertainment activities, and family for him was only an annoyance in the way of the things he wanted to do, people who did not understand that he needed to be 24/7 dedicated to his "things" because he was "depressed" (although he refused to go counselling because he was busy "doing stuff"). When he finally announced that he was leaving me for another woman because he wanted to be "single again and do stuff with his girlfriend and friends", I was not surprised.

We can ask a million question trying to understand this, but at the end, its a waste of time and the only thing that matters is that we need to heal and move on

I think so. It's hard to not ask the details. I understood why my husband did it. I understand that no matter how much I thought I was doing for our lives together, he is human with human needs. Sometimes we get angry because we want to believe that we were the best person we could be; always pleasant, understanding and giving. Nope, more than likely we nagged a little, paid more attention things other than what He/She wanted us to and they stopped looking at us as the person they fell in love with and saw us as the wife or husband.

I never wanted to know if there was anything I could have done to make it better, I wanted to know when and how many times, stuff like that. But things that I knew it would seriously hurt me to know, I never asked.

I also thought I needed to know why my h usband left me.
I brought it up to my counsellour as H said he would only tell me in a controlled environment because it's gonna hurt me.
Counsellor said it is not a good idea and that I do not need to know why in order to heal. And that sometimes it really hurts hearing it and can set people back.