As I was driving to work, it was a gray lightly foggy morning, the atmosphere outside felt quiet, I began to think about when this all started. The long drives to work give you a lot of time to think and reflect. I thought about how this year turned out. I thought about all the hurt and pain I felt and I began to wonder was I really happy in my 13 years of marriage or was I just content. I have had many wonderful experiences in the time we were together, birth of my children, vacations, anniversary get a ways and many more things. We all strive to be happy. When we do find it do we really continue to keep happy or do we become content and dont continue for more happiness. I loved my wife and my marriage and know I could have made it better but it took the shock of my life to really know that. Could it be my stbx struggled with the same issue about happiness but failed to handle it better and took the weak way out? I held on to hope that if we would have meet in the middle with our issues we could have overcame many issues of resentment, and rebuild, but those days are gone now.
As this year will soon come to a close we all will face a new year. For some the pain is still as fresh as the day it occurred for others they have handled it extremely well and for me I feel I am somewhere in between. I hated what has happened and I hated the way it turned out. I am sure we are all believers in things happen for a reason. I have loved and now I have learned. We all do not know what holds for us in 2008. All I know is that it is a new beginning. Its like when I was looking at the trees on the way to work and how their colors change and the leaves fall off and all that is left are empty branches, but when spring starts the trees will bloom and new leaves will begin to fill the tree again.
I know the end of the year was what I would have never expected to be. Its been a rough few months with the initial stages of separation but I have come a long way. I still feel I have more distance to recover in myself but I am learning that I can make it, I am learning that I will find peace in my heart, I am learning that I dont have to be so dependent on someone and I am learning that I am growing and that I am more in touch with who I am. Though I still hurt but not as much as I use to I am not afraid of the New Year I am curious to see what will happen. I wish you all the best in your continued journey in self discovery.