He told me today he was going to start dating. After 8 months of sitting by, waiting, crying, and trying. He said he wanted to try, he said he couldn't imagine a life without me. Today, before the girls soccer game, he says, he's going to date. Fair is fair, he said. Again, lowering our family to a trivial competition. Im still here because he expressed a desire to make it work. Im so fd up right now...what a waste. He is supposed to pick the girls up for religious ed in the am, but told me his mom would be down to do it. Apparently so he can party all night, and then go to some snowmobile race with a hang over in the morning and start all over again. I've never been able to compete with his "activities", hell, it's all a lot more fun than diapers, sippie cups and FNG REALITY!!!! Maybe i should get a sitter and go! Pisses me off that they enable him to do so...I cant describe how they have babied and enabled him through the years...I never had a chance with them in the picture. I think i've had it. He is toxic to me and has put bs like this race before us for ever. Im sick, im sad, i cant understand. There's nothing more i can do or say. Why would someone put such nonsense over family and love? There's nothing that could fill my void and the regret i carry for my children. How can he go sit and watch a dumb ass race and have that numb the pain that this loss carries? I've not been this angry in a long time. Sorry, more a venting, but, this is too much. He led me on, and is laughing me. His parents aid and abed him, and im here alone doing it all with 5. I want to wish him well, but i do not. I dont want to be bitter, but i am...i want to leave this depressing dump of a town and never look back. He'll be fine. His mom and dad will continue to raise him as he is not done yet. My life is a farce.
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