If I could go back nine months, I would have started counseling on my own. After the divorce started, I started counseling so that I could learn how to handle the divorce.

It would have been better if I had started counseling before the divorce so that I could handle the pre-divorce anxiety better. If I had, I'd feel better now about the breakdown of the marriage.

The problem I had, was that I thought she needed counseling more than I. After counseling, I still think that is true. However, I should have had counseling for myself to better myself as best I could. Now it seems that I'm bettering myself only for myself. It feels a little selfish and causes a little guilt.

Hi jolineC my husband has left and when he was here I think a part of me wanted him to leave because I was tired of trying like you. I didn't trust him and didn't know when he was telling the truith. He did make changes with himself and I was happy for him. I think alot of the past hurts were controlling me and I couldn't love him the way I did at the beginning. I guess I'm starting to be honest to myself and maybe instead of acting strong I should have told him how I really felt. In the past if I told him my feelings he would hurt me on purpose and do the things I hated the most. Anyway I'm not sure if that makes sense but I guess I'm trying to tell you to be careful what you wish for, he may just leave. Also I keep telling myself the cost of the divorce is holding me back from filing, but I just found out I can go somewhere and get the divorce free because I am unemployed. Now I'm asking myself is that what I really want. I'm not sure if I have answered your question but I find myself in a similar situation. Take Care

Theresa,

I think what you said is understandable.

We have behavior patterns we have learned over the years. And many times we talk ourselves out of even having a conversation because we've already had the conversation with our spouse in our heads.

That's why some sort of counseling is good. If there is a disinterested third party that can act as referee, then we get to break the usual arguments and negative conversations we're used to.

Sharing a house, part time, and living on this computer.

Doing whatever it Takes to maintain sanity. It isn't easy, but it IS building strength and More Character :-/

I am legally divorced as of a week and a day ago. She still "resides" here, but hasn't spent the night here since 10-12-07.

I dealt with that same issue for about 1 1/2 years. He refused to discuss anything and felt that as long as we weren't discussing it, then the problems didn't exist.
I just gave myself a time frame and one night after we went to a work function for him, I told him in the car on the way home because I knew he would have had a couple glasses of wine and would be a little mellower and I had to drive him home so he could leave his car there.

I did go to counselling on my own. We had gone together last year but the counselling for me really made me see that it's not all my fault and he helped me to work through the blame game that was going to be pushed my way.
By getting equipped with information and the support of both my counsellor and my family, I was able to handle the situation much better.

My stbx is normally a guy who thinks that he is better than me but his attitude changed when he realized how much I had thought it out and did my research before approaching the separation. It made him realize that I'm not just a "trophy" dumb blonde wife.

I hope this helps even a little!

I too have a time limit, but mine is not written in stone. I have an elderly dog and I will not leave until she passes away. I don't think it's going to be very long as she seems to get weaker by the day. However, my leaving or telling him that I'm leaving and the arguments that would start because of that would kill her even quicker, and I'm not willing to do that. My husband refuses to get counseling, and refuses to do anything about his drinking. I have seen a great psychologist and I feel confident that I'm not just overreacting, or crazy, or living outside of reality. If you haven't seen a counselor yet, please do so and do it quickly. The peace of mind will be an enormous help in the future.

i wouldn't leave for 2 reasons:
1) I couldn't afford it
2) I love my wife
3) the children, and the sanctity of marriage
4) I am a sucker
5) i have no self respect
6) I do not want to pay alimony
7) I do not want to pay child support( not saying i won't, but why should i, they can live with me)
8) i have no self respect.. oh wait did i say that already, just re itterating the fact