After 5 years of relationship, with a lot of bad moments, but also good moments, I finally take the decision to break up with the man that I know its the love of my life. He was toxic to me, and was destroying me everyday. People say that I aged 30 years in just 3 months, thats when he started to change.
He was a very good person, who understood me, my anxiety, undiagnosed that time, made everything to make me trust me, and most of all to show me how much he loved me. He cared a lot for me. But from the night to day everything changed. We're happy before, planning to get married.
The story its he discover he's a transgender, and want to do the change. I was shocked, and cried when he first told me, but with 3 days I realize that I loved him, and dont care how he dresses. But since that moment he changed with me. He said he wanted me by his side, that he loves me more than anything, wanted to move in with me, but at the same time made everything to push me away, screaming with me, not caring about me in any way, gaving all the signs he didnt want to be with me anymore. And when I said that to him, he complained with me that I dont care with him. Everything I tried to do, its not good. He made me feel like a monster. And I know that I'm not.
I took vacation of everything, I leaved the country and went to USA to be with my supportive family, since mine, doesnt care about me at all. The day before I leave he screamed with me again saying that we need a break from each other, since its not working out. I replied that was my idea, since I needed some time to find myself again. Thats when my cousin said I've aged 30 years. And I know he was right, he also saiyed to me that my ex was toxic to me.
And thats the moment I started to think, for me, in my mind, he's not a transgender, thats a made story to push me away. He never showed any kind of signs, and once he told me, I tryed to talk with his friends that suposed to know, and he never let me, I tryed to teach him how to use make up as he asked me, he never didi that. he was always running away from me. Telling stories, everyday he was a completely different person. I've talked with transgenders and they also think that he's not, especially because he says he wants to take hormones, but for that he needs to see a psicologist, but he didnt want to. They say they have problems with their body, that he never had before, sexually speaking he was very active. They also said to me that it doesnt change personality, but in his case did. My therapist also thinks that he is boderline.
With all that and the certain that he was destroying me, with his abusive emotional on me, I decide that when I got back home, I would not talk to him anymore. That I had to end this.
I got back home, and when he came to satisfaction with me since I didnt communicate him that I was back (I dont know why I had to do that, since we werent together anymore, and he doesnt say anything to me anymore) I said to him that I gave up on him. I didnt say anything else, coz I didnt want to start an argument that would probably hurt me more than I'm already. I didnt want to do that, but I had to. I need to stop feeling like I'm a monster. He answer have a good time. He didnt fight for me like he said he would. He just let me go.
My questions are: why he talked to me? Why he treat me like that ? Why he doestn fight for me like he said he will ? Why he tried so hard to make me stay, and then to push me away ? Its true that he's a trangender or he made this just to hurt me? Its another woman ? Is he going to appear again ? He sayed to me that I need to care about me, why now that I do that I'm a monster ? Am I a monster ? Why do I feel so guilty on abandoning him ? Why I miss him so much, even dought he treat me like garbage?
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