Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Just got off the phone with my husband and there I went and started analyzing our marriage and what went wrong....I always do this and he always treats it the same way. I do all the asking of questions and he either doesn't answer (the silent treatment) or says it doesn't matter what he thinks anyway, what's done is done. I just can't accept these lame assed answers.
He says I've known for all these years that he was 'this' way so why should I expect anything different now? I say this is cruel to refuse to even discuss what happened and him downplaying the importance of me in the home as the mother of our kids (since I worked only pt time and opposite shifts than he did). It feels like a tornado just ripped through my house and I'm standing here in the mess trying to pick out the pieces that can still be salvaged. :( He acts as though it's a bump in the road of life. This hurts more than if he said he hated me or whatever for leaving. He is absolutely oblivious to the entire thing. This is 17 years of marriage and 2 kids together later. How can he be so emotional over the dog we put to sleep, yet never shed a tear for me??? He NEVER loved me all this time? I'm blown away. I want to just shake him and say what the hell were you thinking and why would you stay with someone you didn't even LOVE? I always knew I could walk. How dumb was I to stay? Security was so important and now if it weren't for our kids I really wouldn't care if I lived in a cardboard box. Sure I like nice things, but that's all they are THINGS. Things are replaceable, people are not. Oh what the hell was I thiking? As if he was just going to all of the sudden "care" and "fight" for me as if I were important in his life.
Not sitting on the pity pot really, just trying to make sense out of how this happened and isn't this a form of emotional cruelty?? I feel like it is or emotional neglect or something like that. I can't quite put my finger on it. Where it just makes me feel it's all my fault things are ending like this...he really did have his fair share. I hate this feeling. I feel everything, he feels nothing. I'm obsessing I know.
He says I've known for all these years that he was 'this' way so why should I expect anything different now? I say this is cruel to refuse to even discuss what happened and him downplaying the importance of me in the home as the mother of our kids (since I worked only pt time and opposite shifts than he did). It feels like a tornado just ripped through my house and I'm standing here in the mess trying to pick out the pieces that can still be salvaged. :( He acts as though it's a bump in the road of life. This hurts more than if he said he hated me or whatever for leaving. He is absolutely oblivious to the entire thing. This is 17 years of marriage and 2 kids together later. How can he be so emotional over the dog we put to sleep, yet never shed a tear for me??? He NEVER loved me all this time? I'm blown away. I want to just shake him and say what the hell were you thinking and why would you stay with someone you didn't even LOVE? I always knew I could walk. How dumb was I to stay? Security was so important and now if it weren't for our kids I really wouldn't care if I lived in a cardboard box. Sure I like nice things, but that's all they are THINGS. Things are replaceable, people are not. Oh what the hell was I thiking? As if he was just going to all of the sudden "care" and "fight" for me as if I were important in his life.
Not sitting on the pity pot really, just trying to make sense out of how this happened and isn't this a form of emotional cruelty?? I feel like it is or emotional neglect or something like that. I can't quite put my finger on it. Where it just makes me feel it's all my fault things are ending like this...he really did have his fair share. I hate this feeling. I feel everything, he feels nothing. I'm obsessing I know.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
i posted on advise am i nuts...i just don't get it either...i dying a slow death and he's moved on to a stripper, half his age...wish i could have a lobotomy and scrape him out of my mind the 8yrs gone.
I dont beleive someone can be married 17yrs and feel NOTHING when it breaks down (for whatever reason)
Maybe and Its just a maybe he just doesnt let you see how hes feeling!
((((hugs))))
(apologies if this is totally off the mark, its just a thought)
I am going to CoDa meetings - and am finding out lots about me. It is fantastic. It has also taught me a lot about the kind of person I was married to.
I am really angry still as my 'child' ex is messing up my kids. He is leaning on them, and making them his parent, just like he did to me. Pity I didn't see this a long time ago!
It seems all the crap that was slung at me is really just a defence for a scared, mean child under it all. I wish I hadn't bought into all the lies.
One day you will probably find out it had nothing to do with you - and everything to do with his insecurities.
As hard as it is - you are better off to end it. That way YOU are back in control and not making yourself available for further abuse.
Some people are very out of touch with their emotions. It is probably a control issues (as in if I allow myself to feel anything I will become engulfed with emotion so I'm better off not feeling anything) or it could be fear that is causing him to stonewall you like that.
Either way, the sooner you accept the fact that he is who he is and you're never going to get him to admit to having feelings about this, the sooner you can start healing. It really sucks but when I complained to my counselor about the exact same thing, she got a puzzled look on her face and said, "But that's why you are leaving him. Why would you expect him to behave any differently now?"