
Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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OK, I give up. I went to marriage counseling on Tuesday, individual counseling yesterday, today wrote the longest journal entry of all time, and I'm getting nowhere. My long-winded journal entry tells the whole story.
For those who don't have all day, my main question is, is it really possible that after all these years of feeling bad, this relationship is ever going to feel good again? Is it possible for a man to really change a lot - and would he maintain that change if he got me back and got to feeling secure?
Or could it end up like this: I go back to him, we agree to work on the relationship, but I never feel the kind of love I want to feel, he senses that, and over time wants the wholehearted emotion that's been missing, and then (after I've given half my lifetime to him) he'll want out?
I just want to do what's right, but the advice I've gotten so far leaves me doubtful. Honor your vows. Give him a chance. Take your time. I've already taken so much time and given so many years away. I'll never get them back.
Why does he get all the empathy?
For those who don't have all day, my main question is, is it really possible that after all these years of feeling bad, this relationship is ever going to feel good again? Is it possible for a man to really change a lot - and would he maintain that change if he got me back and got to feeling secure?
Or could it end up like this: I go back to him, we agree to work on the relationship, but I never feel the kind of love I want to feel, he senses that, and over time wants the wholehearted emotion that's been missing, and then (after I've given half my lifetime to him) he'll want out?
I just want to do what's right, but the advice I've gotten so far leaves me doubtful. Honor your vows. Give him a chance. Take your time. I've already taken so much time and given so many years away. I'll never get them back.
Why does he get all the empathy?
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I sort of answered this on another post to you but I would say based on what I have read in your posts any changes he makes are likely to be temporary.
I know, for me, once the feeling is gone it's not coming back and to pretend otherwise is doing both yourself and him a disservice. And don't feel guilty about leaving. Only you know what is tolerable to you and only you can be the one to say 'enough'. I will tell you this, I've actually had a few women who know about my upcoming divorce tell me that they are envious and wish they were strong enough to leave. I look at this way - my husband didn't honor his vows to me - to love, honor, cherish, respect me so therefore, I am not obligated to stay married to him!
There are a number of good books on these issues you are struggling with:
"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: by Mira Kirshenbaum. Has a great checklist format to help you decide whether to leave or stay.
And "Contolling People" by Patricia Evans. It sounds like your husband is a lot like mine. This book really opened my eyes to why some people have a need to control and be critical. Once I realized it was ingrained in my husband's personality and not necessarily a choice he was making I realized that he was not likely to change. Because basically he doesn't see that he has a problem. Yeah, in this last round of begging me to stay he claimed he realized it was all him but when I wouldn't cave he reverted back to his same, old controlling self. This has actually made me more resolve to go ahead with the divorce because he is only re-confirming my opinion that he is a very controlling and rigid person.
I think he does have insight into his anger/control/criticism/smothering issues. I'm not so sure if that can change how I feel; just makes me sad that it came to this point; wish I could just focus on moving on rather than trying to rescue this beached whale of a marriage. I keep asking the same question: Was there ANYTHING else I could have said or done besides I've had it, I want to leave?
I still want to take my time but I think it will become more my own desire to sort things through. Gemini, I have read both those books already! Sometimes I think I think too much! Today I ordered a book called "Should I Stay or Go" which is about a concept called "controlled separation." I really need some sense of control, but don't want to become a controlling person, but sure don't want to feel controlled by him anymore!
It feels so good to get some support! I may have to change my mood pretty soon!
I do feel though that if the basic element of mature respect isn't there, no amount of fancy communication methods can help you get yourself across.