I have to say that if you do not feel for him the way you did, it's over--stop wasting your time--move on--I just see you doing what I did--wasting so many precious years on someone who is not worth it.

Daisy, my gut reaction after reading your entry was to end this relationship. It shouldn't be this hard to be together. To say you are staying together to honor vows is unrealistic and idealistic. I have really found it is bettter to be alone than in a bad marriage. My marriage was terrible and I am so glad it's over. My problem is not being able to get over my XBF. But i always say the one good thing he did for me was get me the hell out of that loveless, passionless, inspirationanless relationship. Stop trying to make it work.

Well Daisy. I was madly in love with my husband 24 years, really was. I could have made him stay if I played the guilt card on him. But I really didn't wanna be anybody's mercy wife. If you really feel you still love him then try and make it work. If you know inside that love is not there anymore, then you are just prolonging something inevitable.
Ask yourself this. When he says I love you . Do you think I love you too, or I guilt you too?

Daisy:

I sort of answered this on another post to you but I would say based on what I have read in your posts any changes he makes are likely to be temporary.

I know, for me, once the feeling is gone it's not coming back and to pretend otherwise is doing both yourself and him a disservice. And don't feel guilty about leaving. Only you know what is tolerable to you and only you can be the one to say 'enough'. I will tell you this, I've actually had a few women who know about my upcoming divorce tell me that they are envious and wish they were strong enough to leave. I look at this way - my husband didn't honor his vows to me - to love, honor, cherish, respect me so therefore, I am not obligated to stay married to him!

There are a number of good books on these issues you are struggling with:

"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: by Mira Kirshenbaum. Has a great checklist format to help you decide whether to leave or stay.

And "Contolling People" by Patricia Evans. It sounds like your husband is a lot like mine. This book really opened my eyes to why some people have a need to control and be critical. Once I realized it was ingrained in my husband's personality and not necessarily a choice he was making I realized that he was not likely to change. Because basically he doesn't see that he has a problem. Yeah, in this last round of begging me to stay he claimed he realized it was all him but when I wouldn't cave he reverted back to his same, old controlling self. This has actually made me more resolve to go ahead with the divorce because he is only re-confirming my opinion that he is a very controlling and rigid person.

Oh, boy. Thanks, everyone. I know I seem to be asking for permission or something like that, but this is helping me think things through.

I think he does have insight into his anger/control/criticism/smothering issues. I'm not so sure if that can change how I feel; just makes me sad that it came to this point; wish I could just focus on moving on rather than trying to rescue this beached whale of a marriage. I keep asking the same question: Was there ANYTHING else I could have said or done besides I've had it, I want to leave?

I still want to take my time but I think it will become more my own desire to sort things through. Gemini, I have read both those books already! Sometimes I think I think too much! Today I ordered a book called "Should I Stay or Go" which is about a concept called "controlled separation." I really need some sense of control, but don't want to become a controlling person, but sure don't want to feel controlled by him anymore!

It feels so good to get some support! I may have to change my mood pretty soon!

Daisy- Whatever you do don't assume that ALL the problems were his as very likely 50% were yours. So many times changing partners equals same game just differnet names.

Of course not all the problems are his, and that's my biggest reason for continuing counseling! For starters I need ongoing assertiveness training, or I'll just keep taking care of my own needs AND other people's too.

I do feel though that if the basic element of mature respect isn't there, no amount of fancy communication methods can help you get yourself across.

Let me give a bit of advise from the other side. If you can give the wholehearted emotion to him he will want to stick with the changes. It's when the other isn't fully committed that makes one feel their changes don't matter, and that leads to falling into old patterns.