During this whole separation I had time to do a lot of thinking. With that came thoughts that were good and thoughts that were bad. The ones that were good kept me pushing forward and the one that were bad were holding me back. It was like a tug a war and I was the rope. Standing up my hands almost touches the ground, LOL(remember Stretch Armstrong). Anyhow, it is often said that our thoughts can be our own worse enemy. Things we dont know the answers we cant figure out we have to presume or assume. The assumptions are based off of what we would like to think, and what we know and gathered so far. At times we could be dead on while at others we could be so far off. I often try to factor in the benefit of doubt, but giving someone that benefit of doubt can back fire in your hopes and expectations of the end results. We take in what we see, what we hear and what we feel in hopes that we can find a balance in all that to help us think wisely. I will tell you, there are times when those feelings take over from logic and we end up torturing ourselves. People we once knew or thought we know defy or beliefs. They defy it because, we thought of them as a certain way when now who they are is a 180 degree turn around. They defy belief because we dont want to believe that we never saw it, we never thought they could be that we, yet here they are doing what they are doing, saying what they are saying and being ok with it all, almost feeling as if we have been tricked all these years. For me I tried to figure out what she was thinking why she thought a certain way and why she became a certain way. I will never know and I have to stop in thinking that someday I will know. She is the only one that knows the answers to her own actions her own behaviors and she is the only one that can give those answers. In order to have answers you need to have questions or be questioned and you have to know enough to tell the truth and be honest. I no longer want fill in those pieces and assume anymore. She is who she is and that is all that it comes down to. I may not like, I may not agree with it but I have the choice to tell myself you will no longer figure her out and you do not need to figure it out it will not benefit me. Focus can then be placed in areas that matter.
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