So, I feel I've dealt with my break up, made peace with the answers I got and won't get, and I'm O.K. When he first left, after the initial shock, I felt very needy for a man, I went through a couple but realized I wasn't really there in an authentic way; I was using them to feel something but my feelings for them as people were shallow so I backed away. Now I'm in a groove. My life is functional, I am not unhappy, I have a routine. But I realized here lately that I am completely cut off from the feelings of a future. I live day to day, which is good; I'm staying present to my life but I am very singular and even when I do try to look forward it's a blank. I loved being married; I function well in relationship and they were always easy and mostly joyfull for me but I think I've disconnected from that. I honestly cannot imagine what a man I would now choose would be like. I see flaws everywhere I look, either in them or me, if I even play with the idea of a man as more than a friend and I think I'm "finding" those flaws because I don't want to open myself up to the desire for it. I think my ability to see men or myself as a partner has been damaged. I wonder how to fix it or if it even should be fixed.
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