YES YES YES!!!!!! I cant believe no one else has responded yet. I feel exactly the same. Granted, I've only been married a little over 3 years, but DAMN I want to end this marriage. He has not been so wonderful to me during our relationship, even before marriage, and I just grew tired of it all. I dont enjoy physical contact w/ him anymore either. Yet, I'm so afraid of hurting him that I just cant end it. Please do not think you are the only one. Not by far! And if you figure out a way to do this, or make the decision, please clue me in!

Welcome to DS. You'll find a lot of us here. I have no kids, just an old dog. stbx and I have been together for 26+ years, and I could have written the rest of your letter. I don't want to hurt him, but I know he doesn't love me anymore, it's just my paycheck he loves. I too can support myself if I leave, but money has not been the issue. I've made so many excuses why I should stay, that when the click finally came that I have to leave for my own sanity, it was almost anti-climatic. Hang out here for a while, and you'll see many different sides to just as many stories. You'll see yourself in other people, as they will see themselves in you. If the day comes that you take that drastic step, let the room know and they'll take the step with you. Oh, and while I've never done this, I understand that we're open 24 hours a day, so if you need to vent at 2:00am, there will probably be someone around.

Thanks for your reply. It does make me feel better to know someone else feels so emphatically the same way! I have been thinking of this over and over in my head for quite a while, but I will never do it and I know the bottome line is because I don't want to hurt him, which means, I am putting his feelings before my own, but that is the way I have always been, and I don't think I can change it. Thus, I go through every day pretending to be somewhat happy but feeling miserable inside. I thought that at the first chance I had when he did something to give me a reason, that would be it. Then, he did this on-line affair thing last summer with several women and I thought, okay, here is my chance. I hated him so much and was so hurt, but he was devastated at hurting me and proclaimed how much he loved me and would never do it again and couldn't bear to lose me, that I just forgave him (but not really). I don't know. I wish to God every day that I was one of those woman who could just say, I am not happy, this isn't working, I want to end it, but I guess I am not one of those woman. I don't know what to do and meanwhile I feel so tormented all of the time. The physical contact is the worst, because I hate his touch anywhere, but I pretend I don't with that, too.

As I'm on the other side of the fence right now, confused as to what more I could have done, let me add that the grass may not be greener. I'm sure my wife thinks she is doing the right thing though .. I do not. Thanks for your comments on my post. Best wishes.

Boy do I feel it too....I would honestly suggest that you see a counsellor as I found that enlightening as to how to approach the whole subject.

I'm not sure what makes you folks think that anyone wants their spouse to BEGRUDGINGLY stay with them. Most people want their spouse to WANT to be with them, and the GREATER HURT is waking up one day and finding out you were married to a COWARD who blames their inability to manage their own life and feelings on you.

My *sshole husband could have written your sad little "I don't want to hurt her feelings" story, I suspect.

Well, what REALLY hurts my feelings is that the narcissistic *sshole TIED UP YEARS OF MY LIFE with his inability to be honest.

Although, I suspect that while he *says* he was unhappy and wanted out, but didn't want to hurt me, he was more likely CONFUSED and didn't know what he wanted IN GENERAL, and he was projecting his confusion about his life and his feelings onto our marriage. His continued unhappiness, now that he is FREE, is proof of that. (And, too bad, so sad, I'm glad to be FINALLY be rid of him and I would have held the door for him years ago had he not been so (PUKE) concerned with hurting me, so that I had no idea he wasn't invested in our relationship.

You aren't doing anyone a favor, even though that is exactly what you try to present this madness as.

You aren't the least bit concerned with your spouses feelings, or you wouldn't FORCE THEM to LIVE YOUR LIE.

Get down the dusty trail. Take responsibility for your own feelings and quit blaming someone else (your spouse) for your inability to do so.

I would ask some ladies where is his concern with hurting you if he won't listen, won't talk, won't make an effort. He is content and not getting off his arse for you. So why the pity?

I ended my marriage six weeks ago. After I ended it she told me that she had purposely cut me and our 2 children out of her life and concentrated on her career. The rub is that I never wanted children and yet was the stay at home dad for 6 years. I don't hate her anymore I just feel tired.

My advice is after 26 years... go out and read the 5 love languages.. dont' throw in the towel jsut yet... also read dr. Phils' relationship rescue.. sounds like you dont' communicate at all anymore.... try... don't stay because you dont' want to hurt him.. life is too short for that.... take care and keep smiling

Tesla, maybe you're not quite ready for the changes that would happen if you leave. Leaving means you would have to leave the life you have now to create a new life. it seems the boat is rocking and you've got room to get off but you won't. I would never advise anyone to leave a marriage but I am a huge advocate for peace of mind and personal happiness.

This was me for years, I stayed for the exact same reason, I couldn't stand to see him hurt, not to mention our three children. I left after 17 years, he was verbally abusive, called me every name in the book. Mornings I would be woken up because he couldn't find a pair of clean socks, mind you he was screaming at full boar with every expletive being every other word. Once I got up and got him what he needed he proceeded out the door and was the nicest person "to the neighbor". It made me realize, why did I care about his feelings, he didn't ever care how much he hurt me. My advice, be very careful, while I left because of the pain I did have someone else that showed me I did deserve to be loved. When I left I had to be very careful, he had threatened me that if I ever left him he would hunt me down and shoot me. Unfortunately he's continued to hurt me through the children, not allowing them to stay with me, turning them against me. Our son Matthew was killed in a car accident after having dinner with him and some friends where he allowed our 21 year old daughter to order beers and pass them out. On there way home she was racing the 5 boys in the car and they crashed, three of them passed away that night. His cruelty knows no boundaries, he told me Matthews death was his revenge for me leaving him. What some of us caring, loving wives don't understand is because we always take care of everything and want everyone to be happy, the person with the least happiness ends up being us. No one cares what we want, when how or otherwise, and if you don't care about yourself no one else will.

It's comments like yours, CarolAnnie, that really make people feel like they cant leave w/o their s/o becoming some kind of crazed lunatic. You obviously still have some sort of feeling for him otherwise this particular topic would not have gotten you so riled up. While it's true we may be cowardly in not revealing our true feelings the second we feel them, it's for good reason. We have relationships with a person who we absolutely love but are definitely not happy with. Emotions can be pretty tricky sometimes and just because I dont want to be married anymore doesnt mean I want to hurt him by dropping a bomb like that. It's more complicated than you obviously care to recognize. Also, I'm sure your ex DID love you alot and WAS afraid to hurt you. I can understand why you're angry, but you need to understand this is why people delay doing it. This is the exact reaction we want to avoid. I for one, dont want my husband to hate me just because we're not married anymore. I hope that he's a little more rational when I finally decide the time is right to reveal this. You may not agree with our doing things this way but it's not fair of you to judge us all because of the hurt that you felt. Everyone's situation is unique, and every person has their own way of dealing. Telling someone

"You aren't the least bit concerned with your spouses feelings, or you wouldn't FORCE THEM to LIVE YOUR LIE"

is very judgemental and apparently directly related to your own mind. Not everyone feels this is a LIE, it's just a situation that cant be immediately sorted out w/o creating a whirlwind of problems and chaos. So please dont judge a "leaver" by what your husband did to you. Thanks.

one day it came out that she felt we drifted apart and suggested maybe we should separate. after a few days of unsuccessfully trying to discuss it, I realized she was right. SHE found me a new place to live and I moved out.

I don't know if she's happy with her decision, but I AM! Maybe your husband doesn't want to rock the boat either but maybe it would be best for BOTH of you.

perhaps a long talk IS in order?

I would suggest reading a book or two. Try I love you, but I'm not in love with you by Andrew Marshall. If you are willing to give your husband a chance maybe you just need to find the right ways to get your husband to change the things that are making you unhappy.

This is a very interesating post. I am the one that is getting hurt. Its funny people say I don't want to say it because I am afriad of them getting hurt. You know what its going to hurt no matter what. Get it out so the hurt can be dealt with quit saying I don't want to say anything because I will hurt tem, more then likely if they(I) were all ready hurting then it wouldn't matter because the pain is already there.
Thanks for the post