I know I have posted a lot today, but I am starting to get a cold and feel crappy, so I haven't gone out today. Anyway I have read though a lot of the discussion and just started thinking about what I want most from my husband or wanted, don't think I have a choice now. Anyway the one thing that I have yearned for all my life, is just acceptance for who I am. For my silliness, my moodiness at times, my spontaneous personality, my loving actions, just to know someone doesnt judge what I am doing but loves me inspite of my many shortcomings. I grew up with a very strick dad, we couldn't even laugh at the dinner table, you know the ole kids should be seen and not heard. When I was going through my depression and craziness last year my husband said so many hurtful things to me. A little history here, I belonged to a pretty stricked religion, a lot of pressure to be perfect. I really believed what I was doing was right, but never felt like I could quite messure up to all the standards. I felt inside I was really this wicked person that the church kept righteous, but if I got out of that box I would just go mad sinning. I know weird, but anyway I stepped out of the box. Had a little fling, smoked pot with my 23 year old daughter, tried drinking, tried gambling, came to a stunning realization I could create my own bounderies. I was a good person and I wasn't either righteous or wicked. I know I should have known that before 50 but I didn't. Anyway sorry this is dragging on, but during this time, even though my hubby told me he went to church but never believed any of it, he would judge me for everything I did. He would say oh, now you are going to start gambling, I went 3 times, and it wasnt' my thing, and won each time. I went drinking with my daughter, wasn't my thing, or the pot. It was just that my husband instead of seeing what I was going through tried really hard to put me back in that box. I felt very judged by him instead of accepted no matter what.
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