Pardon me this may be a long one.

Lately I've been seeing things about my former relationship in a different light.

The other day I wrote about my day to myself.After writing that topic I took a long bubble bath and a nap.When I woke up I instantaniously remembered the last time I had a serious discussion with my ex.It was like I got hit in the back of the head by somebody telling me WAKE UP!

He had (yet again) disappeared for two days with no phone call to let me know that he was alive and well.I realized he was depressed for many reasons (good ones) that had nothing to do with our relationship ,so all I asked of him when he went out on his drinking binges was for a phone call.

I somehow felt that my understanding and acceptance of his alcoholism was what I as his fiancee was warranted.I knew many of the reasons he has this addiction

1.Family history
2.Started drinking at the age of 7 by sneaking leftovers in glasses from the adults who had left them around and mixing them to get a full glass.
3.By the age of 9 it was even easier because he was making the drinks for the adults.
4.His mother bought him his first litre of his own for his 16th birthday.
5.He had used alcohol and drugs a majority of his life as a coping skill.

Now I also used these excuses to accept something that made me unhappy.I NEVER EVER would have wanted to change him as a person.I loved him AS IS and therefore nevr asked him to change.

He however was unhappy with it.Many times told me
"I'm going to stop drinking for you."
I always replied
"Don't do it for me.Do it for you.Otherwise you are changing yourself for someone else and also because it won't work if you don't do it for yourself."
He alwas answered
"I want to do it for you because you make me want to be a better man."

Back to point.The day he and I had this last serious discussion,he had returned home after 2 days.I had gone to the store to buy myself something special for dinner and had also bought myself a bottle of wine.Like I had done a few days ago when this revalation hit me.I had called off work because I was depressed,pissed off, and worried.I know DUH but I was worried.

After I got home he shows up like nothing was wrong with all his reasons and excuses.So I took him to the bedroom helped him undress and tucked him in.He tells me again how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me.He also says that tomorrow morning,when I get home from work,we will do something special together (just the two of us).

I spent the evening having a porterhouse steak with a loaded baked potato with a bottle of merlot watching movies in the livingroom.I also had fruit and cheese for dessert with my wine and fell asleep on the couch.I treated myself to a candlelit date all to me.

When he woke up about 4am,he woke me up and asked why I was home.I was supposed to be at work he thought.I told him that I took the night off.He also asked wh I was drinking because I rarely do an I told him because I treated myself to dinner and wine because I didn't know he'd be home tonight.He sai I should have let him know.He would have taken me to dinner.Yeah with my money he would have but anyway I tol him that I felt he seemed so tired and needed his rest.Besides I didn't really want to go out with him I wante to spend the evening alone.

Well now I get a repeat of all the resons and excuses followed by the apologies and promises.So I told him that I was done worrying about him.He always told me he was an adult and could take care of himself.If he didn't want to call me that would be fine but I won't sit by the phone worrying anymore.I would let him be the grown up he is.

Well a year later I see he left me without a word for 6 monthes like he did so I would worry.And I did.Maybe if I didn't have so much else going on I would have seen it sooner but it doesn't matter to me because I see it now.

Last night a friend of mine broke up with her husband.She has been my biggest rock other than myself throughout all of my past year.As we were talking I told her that.I also reminded her that she could call on me whenever wherever just as she had done for me.No pressure just to know she has backup when she needs someone to help hold her up.

I also told her NOW HOLD ON THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT......

Remember about a year ago when I was crying to you and telling you that I didn't think I'd get married to him.She remembered of course.

I told her that it took me a year to realize that I would have left him eventually and had already known it.He left because he knew that I was not willing to accept his actions anymore.I only had asked for a phone call and he wouldn't oblige but that really didn't matter in the end because.....NOW GET THIS

He hated himself and his own behavior but didn't even love himself enough to change.None of it had anything to do with me because you can't really love somebody else if you don't love yourself.

His self hatred is another of his reasons or excuses to continue his behavior rather than change to make himself a better man for himself.I hold no obligation or responsibility to or for him in that respect.I never did.It's not my fault that we weren't meant to be.It just is.

What did I just say that without thinking but really listen to and hear my own good advise?

I am actually crying tears of joy at this moment.(waving arms in the air)YEAH FOR ME!!!!

Jane