Get away from it! I am sure someone here will have something more detailed to share with you, but that is my first reaction.

His emotional and verbal abuse is his own demon that he will have to fight- not yours. Words hurt, hon, but only you can deflect the attacks he's bringing against you. You know that what he's saying is not true- try not to buy into his mind games. Don't give him that power. Apparently, that's the only power he has now and is trying to enforce it. Try to show him that you are becoming confident and strong and that he can stick that up his (whatever_. Stay strong!

There is an excellent book by Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It not only describes & defines the many types of verbal & emotional abuse (quite an eye opener), but it also gives various strategies for dealing with each type.

No one deserves to be verbally, emotionally, spiriutally or physically abused.

Hugs.

Domestic violence is all about power and control. When you chose not to do the divorce as he wanted (power and control) he responded with threats and verbal abuse. You can not do anything to change him only you. Find a support group in your town for people who are victims of domestic violence. Most agencies have free information,free counseling and free daycare while you attend the support group.
You are starting on the path to stop the abuse from him. He will not get better without treatment himself. stay close to your attorney and continue to do what she says, find a dv support group and keep coming in her. We will support you as well.

Thank you all. I know I'm stronger than this and shouldn't let his ugliness get to me. I will definitely find that support group. Unfortunately emotional and verbal abuse are overlooked majority of the times. This could do psychological damage that can take years to repair. I hope I can overcome it and not allow myself to break down from his lies and hatred.

Thank you again!

yes, start taping phone conversations, and if he is at the house, pick up the phone and look him right in the eye and say you leave now, or i will call the police and have them remove you, you set the boundry immediately that you will not be verbally abused by him any longer, and don't listen to his crap, have you asked yourself why he is so angry? because you didn't do things his way and he now knows that your lawyer is going to nail his ass to the wall. hold your head up girl. you did the right thing, otherwise he would have really tucked it to you.

If he threatns you file an EPO with the police department. Tell him he can only communicate with you through the lawyers or by e-mail. If he gets nasty hang up the phone or walk away. You tell him when he can calm down and talk civilly then you will talk with him. But Not until then. That will get his craw but it will truly empower you!

The only problem with taping the conversations, in most states you can't use them unless you INFORM the party that you are taping...ok there is a 2nd problem. It also means you have to listen to the abuse.

I suggest saying "I'm not going to listen to this any longer"..then hang up, close the door, walk away or do whatever you have to do to NOT hear it. THAT is taking control!

If someone were physically assaulting you, you would try to protect yourself and get away from it, yes? Well this is no different, get away from it.

Thank you all again. I have thought that it wouldn't be admissable in court if I taped it without his knowing. I have been trying to stay away from him as much as possible. Now that we're going through a divorce he refused to leave and I have four children to think about and that are in school that I refuse to leave also. He's in a very high position in the Sheriff's department and has a lot of contacts. I know if I ever tried to use the police they would just ignore it. It's his word against mine so taping it is all I may have to defend myself at this point. I thought I knew this person but he's turned very ugly. Are there signs that he could turn violent?

You hired an attorney, let him or her handle it. He doesn't need to talk to you anymore. I would suggest that you tell him that if he needs to talk to you, tell him to email you. He will understand that you have a written record of what he is saying and keep it more civil. He is angry right now. That is common in divorce, he will try anything that he can to intimidate you or hurt you. So my advice, cut communication. He will either talk to you with respect, or he want talk to you at all. My two cents....

If he is abusive on the phone, tell him you won't stand for it and just hang up. If you have to see him in person, try and have someone else with you during that time, a friend or a relative. He is trying to make you feel threatened so you'll back down. Stay strong!

Think of it this way he is just trying to get you going because that is the only way he knows how, he is scared that you are going to have the upper hand, play it calm, don't let him get to you. You have rights and legal counsel, just let it go. He is playing on your emotions and the sooner he realizes that it is not going to work, the better off you will be. Seems to me like it would be a conflict of interest for the lawyer of your ex will be involved, he is just trying to scare you, the jerk!!!

1st wife was looking for free ride. It took two years but I got custody of kids at 6 and 9. She swung from man to man. Lost all equity won in divorce quickly. Saw her yesterday at youngest sons 30th birtday party. Her and new husband are renting out in the boon docks. They were kicked out of their mobile home because he was selling pot and got busted. They both drive beaters with negetive equity. She will be a day care worker till she drops. Her husbands kids are grown. He never paid a dime child support and now owes tons of money to state. He never saw his kids grow up. He will get a job and as soon as state starts taking money for past support he quits.

True story. Some women are pigs. Some men are innocent victims. But try to express that in here and you get your head chewed off.

Now let me tell you about my second wife.....

lol.

he knows whst buttons to push with you. don't let your emotins show in front of him anymore. he wants you to be miserable and in need of him. let him know that you are strong and can do this w/out him. don't allow him to talk to you like this. stand up for yourself. hang up on him. walk away. whatever it takes. just don't take it. especially in front of the kids, no matter how old they are. be strong!

This is going to sound awful, maybe, but as a 25 year veteran of the war you are fighting, you have to make him pretty much "dead to you". I didn't for a long time and I allowed him to damage me and my children. Say NOTHING to him. There is a quote I try to remember.. "The one who angers/hurts you, controls you". DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT POWER! He does not deserve it. Concentrate on making a great life for your children. Speak only to him through your attorney. I know it gets expensive, but it has to be that way or the evil in him will continue to try to undermine your self esteem and make you doubt yourself. Also be very careful in dealing with him. When he finally figures out that he cannot hurt you emotionally/verbally any longer, he may get physically abusive. Mine did. I divorced him before I became a headline. Does he go into Rages at the snap of a finger? Be very careful if he does. Mine almost broke my arm in a rage once and the next day swore he had no memory of it. Be extra careful if drugs/alcohol are involved. Don't be naive like I was. Get an order of protection for yourself. I didn't and now wish I had that as a matter of record, because 8 years after my divorce, I am still having awful problems with him. Assume that he is capable of doing anything to hurt you. Trust me. I learned the hard way about all this. You must now concentrate on the future of you and your children. Forget him and assume he will do anything he can to hurt you. I know this sounds harsh, but I did not do these things and I'm still suffering the consequences of not having abuse on legal record. PROTECT YOURSELF.
Forget about him. He doesn't deserve you or the children. Try to hang in there and remember what goes around comes around and someday.. he will get his. If you want to talk.. please contact me. I'll be praying for strength for you as you try to get thru this. I know how physically and emotionally exhausting it is. Take deep breaths and look at the beautiful faces of your children. You can do it! I'm here for you if you need..
Hugs,
Donna