so i shoudlnt have asked him but i esked my friend nate if he had talked to the ex. they graduated at the same school on the same day and their last names are even spelled the same so they sat next to eachother and i knew something would said between them. they used to be like brother and sister and kind of drifted apart but i knew theyd talk given the history. well i asked what was said and aparently my ex wanted to go to the same friends graduation party that i was at but never did. understandable like i said given their history but nate said no which i also get, hes beyond pissed at her for what she did seeing as him and i are practically brothers. but what really got me is that she is been doing a lot of the things that almost seperated us before when i was doing them. but now all of a sudden there ok to her. and theres something that my frineds not telling me and i know its the answers to a few of the questions ive had but he wont tell me. which he doesnt want to see me hurt so he doesnt want to tell me but ive been in the dark since it happened and i believe i deserve those questions answered. you know what i mean what really happened so i can stop guessing and i should be able to hear them from her but shell never tell me and i really think id be able to heal quicker or atleast a little easier if i could get those questions answered. i feel like the fact that him and i are so close would mean he has a duty to tell me but i can see why he wouldnt want to if it something he knew would hurt me but i still deserve the answers right? i honestly dont know what to do. i went off the deep end last night but i didnt do what i used to. i had to walk away and ended up in the woods. my frined followed me to check on me and we talked. well it was more like him trying to calm me down from the spiral i was going into and me just rambling about everytything i think went wrong and all the bullshit ive gone through in my head a thousand times over but i ended up hitting a few trees which is good compared to what used to happen. i just want the aswers. like i said i know i shouldnt have asked nate about the conversation but i made my mistake. i have to live with it. im doing better now but it still feels like im back at square one you know? like nothings changed since the first day and im stuck in the same damn rut i was then. sorry about it being so long and me rambling so much but i just had to let some of this out.
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