Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Today, my wife, Rita, came over and we spent about 4 hours talking. Then, she packed all of her stuff and moved out permanently.
This is absolutely the most difficult day in my life. I could not let go when I hugged her goodbye. I have decided that I am NOT going to seek any revenge on her.
I also think our talk finally explained to me for the first time what I am actually looking for in a woman. And, sadly, I really truly doubt that there are any other women out there who fit the qualities that I am looking for and also would be interested in me. It just is not possible, at least in America.
It's really hard to put into words what it is that I am looking for, but I understand in my heart, after talking to and learning more about my wife. What I think I am looking for is the inocense of a girl growing up in a strange place and needing to be nurtured and taught everything. I am looking for the inocense of someone who has little or no experience in love and relationships and wants to explore all of those feelings for the first time with someone. (not necesarilly a virgin, but that could be part of it).
In Rita's case, it turns out that she has complete and total love for one man--her boyfriend. And, he feels the same for her. She felt she has been cheating on him for the last year and a half--not her cheating on me. He was her first love. He was her first everything. In fact, she said he's the only boyfriend she's ever had. I had originally suspected that she was a virgin. I found out that I was close--she had only lost her virginity a few months before I met her.
Rita thinks that it would be a good idea for her boyfriend and I to meet and get to know each-other. I told her that I am not ready for that yet, and she understood. I think she's doing this because she wants to put him and I at ease so we can concentrate on a friendship instead of a marriage.
Also, she plans on moving in with him within the next few days. She is not staying with her friends for much longer. And, he is going back to Russia with her. And, while she was in Russia, she spent most of her time staying with his family--not her's. That was the "travelling" that she was doing. As for the age difference, he's 1 year older than I am.
Rita and I have decided to remain friends--very close friends. We both said it would be difficult, but she said she would be honored if we remain very close, as long as I don't cross the line with her (which will be very hard).
I am firmly convinced that the woman that I am looking for does not exist. Not anywhere except in my wife. She said that many Russian girls are the way she is, but I don't think I want to get into that mess again with anyone else. I want it to be REAL, too. I just don't think any American girls still have those strong values. In fact, if I posted that description on a dating site, they'd probably accuse me of being a pedophile (which I am NOT). But, in today's world, 18+ with those qualities are RARE.
I updated one of my singles' profiles to contain the following--let me know what you think:
I am looking for a sweet woman who's INNOCENT IN LOVE. Shyness is also a plus, as long as she can let me into her heart. One who is new to love and relationships and wants to learn together with her man. Making me her first "true" love is really what I am looking for. She does not necessarilly have to be a virgin, although many women past that stage in their lives have already become too jaded or experienced for me. In return, I will love her and care for her and be everything to her. I will be her supporter, her confidant, and her best friend. I expect her and I to have total trust for each-other and never have any reason to hide anything.
I know that some may feel that what I am looking for does not exist. But, I have known two women with these qualities very well. Both are in very serious relationships, so they are not a threat to any potential mate. I have a feeling that the woman with these qualities will wind up being younger than I am, (I'm thinking around 22-28) but I have been told by someone very close to me that is in the same situation in her relationship that age does not matter--her boyfriend is 13 years older than her and it works out perfectly.
Note that the close friend that I am referring to is actually my stbx.
This is absolutely the most difficult day in my life. I could not let go when I hugged her goodbye. I have decided that I am NOT going to seek any revenge on her.
I also think our talk finally explained to me for the first time what I am actually looking for in a woman. And, sadly, I really truly doubt that there are any other women out there who fit the qualities that I am looking for and also would be interested in me. It just is not possible, at least in America.
It's really hard to put into words what it is that I am looking for, but I understand in my heart, after talking to and learning more about my wife. What I think I am looking for is the inocense of a girl growing up in a strange place and needing to be nurtured and taught everything. I am looking for the inocense of someone who has little or no experience in love and relationships and wants to explore all of those feelings for the first time with someone. (not necesarilly a virgin, but that could be part of it).
In Rita's case, it turns out that she has complete and total love for one man--her boyfriend. And, he feels the same for her. She felt she has been cheating on him for the last year and a half--not her cheating on me. He was her first love. He was her first everything. In fact, she said he's the only boyfriend she's ever had. I had originally suspected that she was a virgin. I found out that I was close--she had only lost her virginity a few months before I met her.
Rita thinks that it would be a good idea for her boyfriend and I to meet and get to know each-other. I told her that I am not ready for that yet, and she understood. I think she's doing this because she wants to put him and I at ease so we can concentrate on a friendship instead of a marriage.
Also, she plans on moving in with him within the next few days. She is not staying with her friends for much longer. And, he is going back to Russia with her. And, while she was in Russia, she spent most of her time staying with his family--not her's. That was the "travelling" that she was doing. As for the age difference, he's 1 year older than I am.
Rita and I have decided to remain friends--very close friends. We both said it would be difficult, but she said she would be honored if we remain very close, as long as I don't cross the line with her (which will be very hard).
I am firmly convinced that the woman that I am looking for does not exist. Not anywhere except in my wife. She said that many Russian girls are the way she is, but I don't think I want to get into that mess again with anyone else. I want it to be REAL, too. I just don't think any American girls still have those strong values. In fact, if I posted that description on a dating site, they'd probably accuse me of being a pedophile (which I am NOT). But, in today's world, 18+ with those qualities are RARE.
I updated one of my singles' profiles to contain the following--let me know what you think:
I am looking for a sweet woman who's INNOCENT IN LOVE. Shyness is also a plus, as long as she can let me into her heart. One who is new to love and relationships and wants to learn together with her man. Making me her first "true" love is really what I am looking for. She does not necessarilly have to be a virgin, although many women past that stage in their lives have already become too jaded or experienced for me. In return, I will love her and care for her and be everything to her. I will be her supporter, her confidant, and her best friend. I expect her and I to have total trust for each-other and never have any reason to hide anything.
I know that some may feel that what I am looking for does not exist. But, I have known two women with these qualities very well. Both are in very serious relationships, so they are not a threat to any potential mate. I have a feeling that the woman with these qualities will wind up being younger than I am, (I'm thinking around 22-28) but I have been told by someone very close to me that is in the same situation in her relationship that age does not matter--her boyfriend is 13 years older than her and it works out perfectly.
Note that the close friend that I am referring to is actually my stbx.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
As for the 'type' of woman you are looking for, it sounds almost as if you want to be the parent in the relationship. One of the problems with having a parent-child relationship in a marriage is eventually the 'child' wants to grow up and move on. You could be setting yourself up for further pain by continuing to seek out this type of relationship. Although there are sweet qualities to it, it is not really a healthy relationship. Emotionally healthy married couples see each other as equals not as the the 'wise' one and the 'inexperienced" one or as Eliza Doolittle and Professor Higgins.
You might wish to get into counseling and try to find out what need this scenario is serving for you before you get into another relationship. Otherwise, you could be doomed to repeat the same pattern. Just some thoughts. Best wishes.
Thinking that you'll be able to educate and cultivate a foreign woman as opposed to an American woman is demeaning to any woman that you will find. I'm sure your stbx found it so. Take it from me, my ex is Russian too.
I have two suggestions for you to move ahead. If you really respect your ex, then see if she will find and introduce you to your future ex-wife. It will help you both to have some closure. And she probably has a better idea of what kind of woman you need - not want.
Secondly, get some counseling for your own personal development. You have issues and problems about yourself that you need to take care of. You're trying to be somebody's saviour and white knight. You want her to be totally dependent on you so you won't be abandoned.
This is just an opinion of mine from the little about you that you've posted before.
I'm sorry if I took your words in the wrong way but I will say that I felt very insulted by some of the things that you said...I know you've had a hard week and I'm hoping that your post was just a reflection of that hard week.
I am just not in the same stage of my life as others who are my age.
Now, as for her and I staying friends, I really do feel that this is the best thing for her and I to do. Meeting her boyfriend is both to calm the situation down between us and also to build trust that we are just friends and that I am no threat. I value her friendship a great deal, because I really have learned how my wife REALLY is inside (for the first time in our relationship) and I think she is a great woman who got stuck in a very bad situation. She's very surprised that I want to do this (she said if she was in my shoes, she'd hate me). But, I think I need to do this. I don't want to lose her, even if it means that we are just friends. If I have to settle for a friendship, it's better than losing her completely. Make sense?
If somebody disagrees with me, I'd like them to say so - just so that you aren't being mislead.
I think you're rationalizing and deceiving yourself as to your motivations. You've admitted that you handle relationships in an immature manner (my words, not yours). The answer isn't to find somebody else that has the same limitations.
The reason why I posted this was partially because I wanted people like ashew to speak. I was concerned that some people might not like my wording and thinking I was some sort of pedophile. And, ashew confirmed that fear, even though I know that she is wrong about me--I worded it incorrectly.
Incidentally, ashew, if you were in the same stage of your life as I am in and we were local to each-other, I would not mind getting to know you better. As for your teenage daughter, please understand that is not what I'm looking for either.
I guess the best way to describe it is that I want a woman who is in the stage of her life that she has not yet found true love, but she is mature enough to want to settle down and start a family. I find women like this are generally in the 23-25 year old range, personally. (my wife is 24).
Most (not all) women who are 23-25 years old have no frikken clue that they want out of life yet.
They might seem sweet and innocent and just right, but more than likely, they're going to break your heart. If you keep looking for someone in the age group for companionship, you're going to keep getting the same results over and over again.
You need to cut off contact with this woman you're involved with. She obviously has plans otehr than maintaining a relationship with you. It's only going to hurt you in the long run. I've seen this before; a woman (I guess men do this to?) completely messes with some guys head and heart, then ditches him for someone else. But while she's ditching him, she says how great it would be if everyone could be friends, including the guy she's ditching with the guy she's dicthing him for.
It's messed up. It makes no sense.
I guess it does...kinda...sorta...in a way...the woman gets to look like she's doing everyone a facor and being nice, but at the same time, she's not taking into consideration either of the guy's feelings.
Which is odd, because women are usually the first to point out when someone's feelings (usually their own) have been hurt.
Hmm.
Leave her alone, get some space.
Please.
Now, as for what you said about that age range, you are correct--most of those women do not know what they want in life. I truly believe that Rita was an exception. And, I know that limiting myself to looking for someone like that will make it harder to find someone, but not impossible.
What I need to do is somehow figure out where QUALITY women of that age range spend their time. Clubs and Bars are definitely not the answer. And, I'm finding out that singles' groups are also not the answer because the ones I've been in so far seem to cater to jaded divorcees that aren't even interested in relationships anymore, let alone not having that "new" feeling to them.