Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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To Bring Me Up & Back Down

deleted_user
deleted_user
I have a question for anyone who will try to give me an answer, or even advice.

As many of you know, my H & I have reconcilled. He has been back home(physically) for about a 1 1/2 weeks. Things were really good for a few days. He was being really supportive with my health issues at hand & trying to work on "us." We went out yesterday & fished at a pond for several hours & had a great time. When we got home, he just seemed to shut me out. He told me last night that he thinks that I have O.C.D., as I'm on the computer all hours of the day & night. I am on WAY more than I should be, but I also do other things in the house, cleaning etc. How can a person act to be SO supportive for several days & then BAM!!! Back to saying all the "negative" things to me that he could. With my depression, this does NOT help me at all, matter of a fact, it makes it WORSE!~! WHY does he keep doing this to me? I don't understand it.... Someone, please try to help me figure this out!~!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Also, I suffer from anxiety & panic attacks & can not sleep well. I tried to explain this to him & either does NOT want to understand it or will NOT understand it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sounds like you need to set some boundaries of no judging and negativity directed towards you. Maybe marriage counseling would be an option, if he is willing? My husband and I are trying to reconcile and are getting nowhere in the past month and a half. Throw in low self esteem and depression, which I have suffered for years, and you have a recipe for disaster without the right direction, be it with counseling or a support group, or any other resources out there.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Carol, we have been in marriage therapy for over a year now. We also go to the same therapist for "individual" counseling. I'm at a loss here. :(
deleted_user
deleted_user
from left field..... any chance he is feeling genuinely concerned for you about the amount of time spent online?

one step further.... any chance this is his shitty way of telling you he feels neglected by you spending so much time online?

sorry cat, trying to play devil's advocate for a change
deleted_user
deleted_user
Lane, I'm not on the computer much when he's home, unless he's on HIS computer. I try to spend time with him, but feel like he's pushing me away by not wanting to do things. Even sitting just watching TV, cuddling, talking, not saying anything. I feel like I'm the only one in this relationship, that he's just "here" to be here. Does that make sense?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Cat, I dont know if you've tried this already, but write him a letter about it. Maybe that could help him understand?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Catfisher, because your husband, like mine, is a bolter, I am just going to say this: focus on your health, then get a job. Protect yourself against his bolting behavior. I really think this may prove more vital than working on the quality of your relationship, because he will always find an excuse to leave. Let HIM work on "us", you work on you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sorry, no help from me. I can't figure out my own mess. I've always been the one who has wanted to work things out. In a moment of weakness, I just texted her asking if she had any interest in trying to fix things. Of course, she replied back that she doesn't. So now I'm kicking myself in the you-know-what for being so weak. Can I claim a moment of temporary insanity please?

I don't know why people act the way they do. I think I'm gonna become a hermit and go live in a hut on a beach somewhere. Hmmm... Doesn't actually sound half bad. :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have started MANY letters to him, trying to explain stuff to him. BUT, my anger & frustrations end up getting in the way. So, I end up tearing them up & throwing them away :(
deleted_user
deleted_user
makes sense, yes cat.... and i don't agree that only he should work on the "us" part as it takes two, but part of the "us" is each of you individually, and so the healing and occupational part of that advice i agree with. I do know the feeling of being there just to be there. It makes me feel like i'm a last resort, or he's there because he has nothing more interesting to do in the moment. i hate that feeling.
deleted_user
deleted_user
belz...i'm claiming temp insanity...it's mine today!

cat...i like the idea of the letter. it gives you the chance to articulate your words and gives him the chance to read at his own pace without facing you. which may sound silly, talking face to face is always better, but...it's worth a try. maybe some books on depression etc would help him too.

that's all i got. i'm pretty (excuse my language) fucked up today myself, so i don't have much!
deleted_user
deleted_user
PS I should add, if he WANTS to find an excuse to leave, he will. My husband's idea of "working on" our marriage is also maintaining his physical presence, and not walking out when he has a temper tantrum.

Accept what help he has to offer you now. Ignore the rest. AFTER your health is stabilized and you recover a job, THEN engage him on the quality of your marriage, is my advice.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I also suggested several times that I would like to do an online program to become a Medical Transcriptionist from HOME. He says he don't like the idea of me working from home, I wouldn't be good at it & because HE is NOT comfortable with it. He also says we don't have the money for it, but we do, he just won't spend it to help me with it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Do you happen to sleep in late due to staying up so late? My stbx did this and it really bothered me. For one, I was always going to bed alone. Secondly, she never got up until 1pm or so. I normally get up around 9 on the weekend so as not too screw my sleeping schedule up too much. By 1pm, I've already done my lounging around and have moved on to whatever chores that needed to be done. It just seemed to me that she was purposely avoiding me, which she most likely was. Anyway, maybe he's feeling something similar.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ok, I am absolutely no expert on this but will try one more suggestion. Print this thread out and show what you wrote here, there is no accusations or anger in what you've written in this thread - only genuine thoughts. Maybe that makes it easier for him to understand. I dont know what youve written in your journals or maybe diaries at home. Is there nowhere a passage that you've already written about this for yourself or someone else? Likely that will show a lot less frustration than something you would write directed to him....just trying brainstorm a bit.
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