I posted this in my journal, but wanted a broader audience to comment on this.

Keep in mind in reading this, my wife has been faithful, has never given me a reason to second guess her at all in 13 years. we are separated, and I've just been thinking about things, self reflecting. I would like the opinion of women to see how women think when it comes to long term relationships ending and "looking" elsewhere. Is this something I should be worried about, or can women move on when healing in this situation?

I don't think her relationship with this other guy progressed until my wife decided I was out of the picture emotionally. Is this a reaction, infatuation, or something more?

Thanks.



The wild card. The other man?

Now for something I've left out until now. Something I've chalked up to my own paranoia, but it's a concern.

About two years ago, my wife came to me confused about how computer were useful for anything. She just didn't understand why people used them etc. I had recently played a game called GuildWars and made her an account. Instantly she was hooked.

One of the reasons recently our relationship had deteriorated was I was having problems with the amount of time my wife was playing the game. It was making me suspicious, angry, jealous, etc. frequently when I would come home, she would be on the computer. I started criticizing her about housework and her time with me. She has been a stay at home mom for a while, and of course things around the house would be metnotinous, and mundane, so at first I didn't have a problem with it.

But once we moved into the new house, she became more withdrawn, and spending significant time online. Sometimes well into the morning hours.

As the months passed, I became more and more concerned, and voiced it in the wrong way (criticism, analyzing, anger, accusing, questioning her parenting and housekeeping duties)

I started noticing that she was using skype to talk one on one with some people, and I became even more concerned. She had invited me to play with her, and to interact with these people, but to me, I felt very threatened.

My mother left my step father for someone online, my stepmother left my father for a man online, and yes, even I early in my relationship when I first got online called a girl I met online, only to realize what was happening and ending it immediately and telling my wife about it. I was 18 btw, not to say it was okay, but I was very immature at the time. Needless to say, I've been very insecure about the internet and my wife.

Fast forward to the blow up, and the man she was talking to when we had our fight was him.

I talked to him the next day, and we talked, and I was reassured that there was nothing going on. I have since talked to his wife and understood that they were concerned for my wife. I talked to other people she knew online, and it became clear that my wife had always been safe and cautious online and didn't take any crap from anyone. I felt relieved. That is, until things progressed.

As things got complicated around the house, and emotions were swinging back and fourth before I moved out, my wife was all over the place in what she would say, suggest, etc. It was very confusing, once minute it seemed like she wanted to work on things, the next she didn't want anything to do wit me. I realize now she was afraid to hurt me, and was looking for a way to cushion the blow. She was also afraid of me. Lots of confusing things, along with botch counseling etc.

I noticed she was ever increasingly talking to this man, granted so was I. He too had anger issues, has/is working on things with his wife and throughout all of this has seemed to be a neutral friend between bot of us that gave suggestions, and acted as a liaison between us.

Then I noticed my wife started taking the conversations offline, and onto a phone. Which made me very paranoid, and even caused some conflicts between us. I accused her of cheating, and she admitted to me she was very fond of the man, and even fantasized about him once. This planted the seed.

After therapy, I realized that the more I tried to intervene, the more and more she would be drawn to this guy. And I decided to detach, and let what may come come.

That was easier said than done, and took some time, a few weeks to come to terms with.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is a very good and moral person, I don't believe she has ever cheated on me or ever would. But she did admit to me she had become emotionally attached to this man. I tried futilely to suggest that the relationship was unhealthy, even if they were just friend, but it only pushed her away more. And every time I asked him about it, he wouldn't ever tell me there was nothing going on. He would say stuff about grass being greener, and under other circumstances, and she's a very alluring person, etc. Or who know what will happened down the road, I can't see the future.

I don't know if it's a good guy, knowing he's attracted to my wife trying to be honest but trying to keep it responsible, or the other way around, where he's confused and thinking things he shouldn't, especially when he has issues with his wife, and mine is starting to look available.

I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt, and talked with him many times about my feelings about what was going on, and he continued to offer support and suggestions as to what my wife was telling him and not me. In some ways he was encouragement. but it became ever increasingly clear that he may even feel some feeling for her, she is very beautiful and has a very, very engaging personality, and then remarked that he doesn't know, with all that baggage she has .... One of the reasons I was so protective of her to begin with, I felt I needed to protect her from bad people because she was so trusting, and so alluring.

My wife had wanted me to go to a Halloween party a neighbor was hosting and for the first time since high school, she decided to drink. She's since told me she's felt left out at parties because she had to watch the kids and not have fun. A complicated issue seeming our religious beliefs have changed somewhat recently, and I had predefined notions of what she wanted. (I'll cover that later)

Well, she got hammered. This is after I had moved out. I took her back to the house and dressed and took care of her. It was quite unnerving seeming there was a lot of emotional confusion at the time. She then proceeded to tell me, that she didn't love me anymore, not in that way. That she "really liked" this guy, even blurted out with a giggle and a smile that he was VERY cute (he has a webcam BTW) that she felt sorry for him and his situation with his wife. His wife seems to be a nice gal, but apparently (this guy) sleeps in his own bed, and she sleeps with the kids, and she's constantly trying to "pick apart" their marriage relationship, and child rearing thought books etc. My wife could relate because she constantly felt analyzed by me.

She even told me she wanted to live with him, (there was an offer for her to stay t the time of the blowup, for concern of her safety)

I reminded her that he was married, and she replied with a sad "I know .."

That night she tried calling him to tell him she liked him, but she was too drunk, and he and I talked for hours about her. He seemed genuinely concerned about our relationship, I was was honest with him about what had happened, he suggested things he had suggested to her, about therapy and not rushing into devorce, etc.

Again, it's confusing. He seems genuinely interested in saving our marriage, but at the same time seems to emotionally involved to be helping. He's even suggested at times he thinks he may be doing more harm than good, but never seemed to break it off. I had suggested to my wife at one point that she may even making things more difficult in his relationship, and that she could be responsible for breaking up their family if this continued, either consciously or not. He talked to me the next day, a bit annoyed telling me that if his marriage didn't work, it wouldn't be because of my wife. (but I thought to myself, it doesn't matter if if she's the cause or not, anyone that has a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, that they are attracted to contributes to your will of working on that marriage.)

I talked to his wife one day, she was online, and I brought up the fact that he had mentioned that she was concerned as well about the relationship between himself and my wife. She said he understated the issue. And told me I had ever right to question their relationship because of my concerns of it being inappropriate and a threat to my relationship.

After moving out, I haven't been as involved with seeing her talking to him as much. She always wanted me to stay in contact with him, because "he's your friend too."

Last week, right before I found DS, I had a conversation with him, and really found out a lot about the real him. He's has severe depression, has gone of medication because he wants to do it on his own, tlaked frequently about killing himself etc.

I got very concerned that I really didn't know this guy, that he's emotionally unstable, and my wife has feelings for him. I decided to call it quits and cut off all contact with him.

I talked to him once after that, but briefly. About how things were going with me, that I was supporting my wife in what she wants , and working on me. He asked me about how my therapy was going, but it seemed very ... blunt and less involved than usual. I told him things were going well and never talked to him again.



So........



This said, this is what is on my mind.



How do I handle this "if" my wife and I do decide to work on things?

Will this always "bug" me that she strayed emotionally? Or is that expected?

What if she still wants to be friends with this guy? Can it ever be healthy, if indeed they were just helping each other out?

She's expressed interest in going to a DragonCon in GA next year with him and his wife. Is meeting in person, even after healing a bad idea?

If we decide to work on things, is it controlling to tell her that I don't want her to have anything to do with this guy? I feel like that's telling her you can't have friends.

I feel like if in all of this, he attachment to him may have been a projected illusion to him, because she felt unsafe and he was a non threatening resource to her that she attached to because of our circumstances. If indeed we are able to heal things between us, she may realize this and there may be no reason to mistrust.

I'm not sure if they decided to stop talking to each other recently or if they still talk. They both had talked about calling it quits so they both could concentrate on their relationships, but in someways I'd feel better if they were still talking and things ended up repairing, that way I ould know there was less of an attachment.

She has expressed she has deep feelings for this man, and he's a really close friend. But everyone feels that way about people the meet online, because you are always insulated from the real them, I know, I have friends that I like a lot online, but despise in person.

So here's the deal. Is there a future for me and my wife if this other man is still in the picture? Should I just trust her if things work out, or should I set a boundary?

It's complex, but I love the woman. If she decides to work on things, should I just let go and let her be her, and trust her? She's never given me a reason not to. But under the circumstances, it scares the hell out of me if I decide to let her into my heart gain and find out things end up going the other way. I don't think I could live with that.