Everyday, I wake up hoping that today will be the day I get excited about something, excited for my new house, excited because I don't have a controlling, manupulative person, telling me how, when, where to do things, excited for a new life. I don't understand how a person like me, who was once so full of life and energy can go to being like I am. I feel nothing, except for the anxiety attacks, and an overwhelming urge to be held, so that I know that its okay to feel again, and feel what its like to know that the person your with, loves you, would never cheat on you, and allow you to be who you are, and not treat you like a dog. I wonder if its because I don't like to rock the boat with someone I love, because I don't like to fight. I'm not good at fighting, I just walk away. I can never say mean things to hurt someone I love, no matter how upset I am. I just want happiness, without the fighting....am I dreaming or can this really happen? I mean, for crying out loud, my husband had 4 affairs, and I still stayed with him for the kids, some of you may ask why I stayed with him for so long or how I could stay, I started turning my emotions off, turning a blind eye, and counting the days, but it just got so horrible at the end...I can't even say that it hurts me that we're divorcing, I just hurt because of what could have been, and wasn't, I hurt for the pain I know this caused my inlaws. I've never felt so alone, the only people that are where I live that help is 1 friend thats all, because my family all lives in ky. I know I got myself in this predictment, but I'm really having a hard time getting out of it. I think it would be easier if the people that had been my friends before all this happened were still my friends, but they've turned their backs on me, and I feel so isolated. Any thoughts on this? Please be honest, even if its brutally honest. I know I did this to myself, by leaving, but I really couldn't stand one more minute in that house with him. I just handle the fact that he mentally abused me, called me a fucking stupid ass all the time. You can only take so much before it feels like your life is being sucked out of you little, by little.
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