It is Friday, and the end of a very draining week. In the background my children are fighting. I wash my hands of it, it has been going on all day long. Hell it's been going on for as long as there have been two of them. I am completely drained. Parenthood has never been so exhausting as it has been these past two weeks, since I found out about the OW. I have lost it a few times today, mostly at work in the bathroom, as I thought about the craziest things. All the extra sleep he is getting. How he missed the girls first colds of the season, and how when my baby was up at 2a.m. coughing and crying, he was in a bed in the arms of another. All the old questions rise up. How could he? Doesn't he even care what he is doing to us? Well the cold hard thruth is pretty simple. How could he? It was easy. He looked at me one night without so much as a warning told me he didn't want to be with me and walked out the door. He looked that judge square in the eye told him to give me custody and walked out the door. All he has to do is put that check in the mail (which I have yet to get this week) and his job is done, leaving it all to me. Does he care? Who knows. Who knows what he's thinking about when he's alone and it's quiet. Its Friday, so he and his girlfriend will go out to eat dinner. Me & the kids? Speghetti and I ate very little to ensure there is some for lunch tomorrow. After their dinner they will hit the bars. Me? in bed by nine. It was so easy for him to walk away. Once upon a time this was both our dream. A home, a family. A life together. Now he is off making a new life for himself with someone else, and me and the kids are struggling to get by every day. They may forget in time, especially my one year old. My three year old will carry the scars for awhile. Me, I don't think I'll ever find peace with what he has done to us. I know I will never be the same woman I was before. I will never give my heart away either. I loved him so much for so long and he just tosses me aside like I mean nothing. Not only me but his kids too. A little girl who asks for her Daddy on a daily basis and I don't have any answers for her. "He's gone baby." I tell her and when she asks why I just tell her I don't know. Because really, I don't know why. I can blame myself, thats easy enough, but I just don't know why. I probably never will.
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