Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Still confused as hell.

deleted_user
deleted_user
Well i went to my first counselling session today and i left confused and upset.

I told my counsellor all about the marriage, my childhood, my current relationship and she was really good. listened and said her piece when she felt she needed to add something.

i came out of there almost positive that i knew what i wanted to do but then i do a total change of heart.

if i got back with my husband will he ever trust me? will every argument mean having my relationship thrown back in my face? will he maybe think when he is out 'why not get back at her for the hurt and cheat on her' (i didnt cheat btw, i just got with this guy very close after splitting) I am gonna have to battle against all his family that hate me for hurting him too.

anyone been in this situation?

is there a marriage worth saving after being in a relationship? or is it never gonna work because i have been with someone else?
deleted_user
deleted_user
You need to go to more than one counseling session to get anything out of it. You may need to take your husband with you and see how he feels. Just becasue you have been with someone else doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. Part of being in a marriage is listening and forgivness, and only you will know if you can forgive yourself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It depends on how motivated the man is. Also you must slowly rebuild trust and go out of your way to make your life transparent to him.

Your marriage is your own business and your husband's. If he recommits to your marriage, he should ask his family not to be rude. The rest will be up to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The first few sessions are traumatic, but then it REALLY helps. Stick with it. Don't give up on your marriage either. If you got into a relationship while separated... oh well. shit happens when your world is turned upside down. Don't be so hard on yourself. Focus on you and your marriage, NOT on the relatives, friends ect... that is too much to carry on. Take one day at a time. There is hope.
I have been separated for 3 wks and have thought about just getting out on a date, but only for distraction, and to not focus on my husband leaving. which is ok, until you find that person you only wanted to hang out with to be more interesting than you anticipated. That was the warning my therapist shared with me. So...I decided to refrain from the opposite sex. Will my feelings change, YOU BET - DAILY. Its a confusing state to be in (separation/divorce).

Chin up, girlfriend!
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks guys, problem is while being with this other guy i have developed feelings for him and dont want to hurt him either.

as much as i really feel for this guy i am starting to wish i hadn't got into this relationship so soon after the split.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sounds like you just need to take a step back. Can you just take some time for yourself and your therapist for now? Focus on you, and if the men respect you perhaps they will give you the space you need to figure things out? ps I lost two brothers rather suddenly in the past 5 yrs. Last one just 2 yrs ago. I know its hard, but they would not want to add to our burden, but to find happiness.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have one big piece of advice - you can't get out of this being in a relationship with one of them and a close friendship for the other. Whenever there are 2 people in the picture you have to choose 1 or you lose them both.
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks dazed, i had thought of doing that but the big catch is that my husband comes to see the kids quite frequently, the other guy lives 90 mins drive away so thats not so hard to do.

bham guy, i know that if i choose my husband i will not be able to stay friends with this guy because it would a) hurt too much and b) be marriage suicide. thats another thing that makes this hard i dont want to loose this guy from my life forever.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I can definitely relate to some of your post. For what it's worth, here's some of what I've learned/thought about throughout my separation in no particular order:
You can't control anyone but yourself.
Take your time to figure out what YOU want.
What was it about you that made you go outside of your relationship and turn to another person instead of your husband?
It takes two to make a relationship work, yes - but the only person you can control is YOU. Decide what it is YOU want - figure out how you got where you are and where it is you want to go.
Stand strong in the person you are, forgive yourself for your mistakes and don't look back or you'll cheat yourself out of your future.

There's a lot more :) but that's a start ;)
deleted_user
deleted_user
What was it about you that made you go outside of your relationship and turn to another person instead of your husband?

My counsellor brought this point up today actually, looking back it was an escape from the reality that my brother had died i think, the whole family thing reminded me of my loss all the time everywhere i went within my house reminded me of where i was after the funeral, what i did to try and cope with things.

the other relationship started out as an escape and a new life separate from the pressures of all that.

now if it carries on it will become a part of that.

I was very scared of letting ppl be close to me too in case they were taken suddenly from me like my brother was. there is so much more but not easy to condense it all!
deleted_user
deleted_user
That says a lot about where you are though I think. I'm starting to feel like we go through things that force us to grow so that we can depend on OURSELVES. Based on what you've said I'm guessing you feel pretty lost. Until you figure out you and heal you, you wont be able to have a healthy relationship. Just my opinion/$.02...
deleted_user
deleted_user
are you a counsellor ljb? lol!

thats pretty much what she said today, i am doing these things becaus ei need to be able to depend on me, i have had so many ppl leave me in my life that im scared ppl will do it again.

The one thing i will say tho is the relationship i am in now i feel totally content in the fact that he wont go anywhere, for some stupid reason he worships me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I would for sure get both of you into counseling before you make a decision. I was with someone that continued to bring up really old hurtful stuff from before we were even married. I truly believe that he just couldn't let it go...and it turned into a very destructive relationship.
deleted_user
deleted_user
In this new relationship you are in the "honeymoon stage" so I would'nt compare the two. I am with the others, focus on you, right now. that is my goal. To become content living alone and with myself. THEN whether my husband comes back, or I move on... I will be in a healthier place to face what comes.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No - not a counselor! LOL But I can DEFINITELY relate to what you are going through because I've been there in the not so distant past. The fact that you say "for some stupid reason he worships me" is a MAJOR red flag. OF COURSE someone should worship you - and until you recognize that and can feel good about that (not in a snobish selfish way, but in a self-confident and loving way) I just don't think you're ready to be a partner in a relationship...JMHO
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand what you are saying about wanting to escape situations that remind you of the death of your brother. My sister died an untimely death several years ago, and I still find it very difficult to be around my entire family since then.

In the aftershock, I did some very radical things in my life. I think my ill-considered marriage was one of them.
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