My stbx has our daughter this weekend. He picked her up this afternoon and will bring her back on Sunday. I get such mixed feelings because I get pissed if he doesn't keep her long enough (because he always says he doesn't see her enough and then brings her back early) and then I miss her so much when she is gone. She is almost 2 1/2 and she is my world. I am feeling somewhat better than my last post (Dying Inside) from almost a week ago. I did not think that I could make it a week ago. I was having a very, very difficult time. On Monday I called a therapist and went to see her that same night. I was hysterical and could not stop crying. After I told her my whole sob story even she looked at me with this look of disbelief and she was sympathetic and told me that she could help me get through all of these feelings. I will see her again this Monday so it is something - maybe it will help. I am moving forward with the divorce and have accepted the fact that I will have to move in with my parents (since my stbx left us with no money and no home as of next month) until everything can be settled. I was trying to get a place on my own but I will just not be able to swing it right now. I went to Home Depot with my parents last night and picked out paint for my daughter's room and we will get it all ready and pretty for her so that this transition will not be too traumatic on her. She is still young but knows that Daddy is no longer home and that something is happening around her. She is off on her sleeping, eating and very clingy to me and overall just a little off because of all of this, but she has done amazing so far. I hate him for picking himself and his feelings over his own daughter. He is so unbelievably selfish it still blows my mind and I think it always will. I go from feelings of pure rage and hatred to pure and utter sadness and grief. I am left here to pack up the remains of our life together and it is very difficult. I am trying desperately hard to be strong for my daughter and around my family but alot of the time I feel like I am just tricking myself into acting ok and that at any minute I will just crumble and fall apart. It takes constant effort and is exhausting. I know that this is temporary but on top of everything else I just feel that I am taking a huge step back moving back in with my parents. I was supposed to be moving into my new house with my husband and my daughter and now I am moving into my old bedroom at my parent's house. It's so depressing and humiliating. It is just alot to get my head around. I am so lucky that I have my family but it is still never ever what I thought would be happening. I know what has happened and what is happening and I just still can't believe it. Will there ever be a day that I wake up and believe it and don't feel like this is just some awful nightmare?
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