Do you ever feel like going through the divorce process makes you take huge steps BACKWARDS in any progress you've made in therapy and personal healing? One thing I'm working on is trying to believe that I'm a lovable person. I thought that I had gotten past some things in the past few months and stopped blaming myself for my husband's adultery. But recently, I read his statement as to why he thinks we need a divorce on the divorce papers. He says it's because I had emotional and social issues I refused to get help for until he found someone else who's more emotionally together. WTF?! I don't know why this is getting to me, but first of all, neither my H or the whore is emotionally together and second, what gives him the right to 'find someone else' while he's married to me? I was 'unhappy for a long time' too in the marriage, he was making me feel like crap, shouldn't I have the same right to 'find someone else' and be happy? Not that I want someone else after I've been so hurt, but why should I be penalized for actually having morals and refusing to try to find someone else who would make me happier while married because I actually believe adultery is wrong?! And then, my stbx was upset because I was not giving him my bank account and credit card numbers for his legal paperwork and because he doesn't want me slamming him or saying anything to people we know about what he did. I was trying to get a hold of my lawyer, but I finally just sent the account numbers directly to the lawyers and bypassed my stbx. My MIL sent me a couple e-mails saying stuff like "not to justify what he did, but he's been unhappy for a long time and unhappiness makes people do crazy things. Why did you wait so long to get help?" and then another e-mail about cooperating with the paperwork and "I need to look in a mirror and ask myself WWJD" and something else about Jesus and "remember Him?"

Okay, now maybe I shouldn't be telling people so many details about what my husband did and I probably shouldn't have e-mailed my MIL so many details about what her son did. Maybe that's not what Jesus would do but that e-mail and his stupid response on our divorce paperwork almost made me feel like his selfish choices were my fault and I will NOT be responsible for another person's actions. It's just that those old thoughts like that I failed and There's something wrong with me and just feeling like an unlovable human being came back and that really frustrates me. I just so want to be loved, to be hugged and held and treated like I'm awesome. I can't wait until I'm done with this whole stupid process, so I can move forward in healing and not get hurt anymore by my stbx.

Thanks for listening to me vent.