Hello, and thanks for stopping to read my post. Hopefully, some of you will be gracious enough to read this lengthy post and offer some insight into this complicated issue of mine. One thing I ask, please no judgmental/condescending comments; I can get that anywhere.
My beautiful wife and I have been married for 13.5 years and at one time, we had the marriage that other’s wanted. Of course, we have faced issues over the years, many trials, but we always came out on top. In 2011, I was working in Iraq. Our marriage was in our hearts, on the phone, and on Skype, and I do mean every aspect of it….
One day, she was getting a pedicure and I had just gotten off work so we were talking on the phone. The conversation had gotten very steamy and during the course of this conversation, I admitted to her that I wanted to watch her have sex with another man. Her initial reaction seemed positive to it and over the next few days there were some “conversations” over the phone that were very charged to say the least. However, that ended when she said she didn’t want to do it.
Despite saying this, there were many more conversations about it while I was there for the next month. December 2011, I returned home and was there for several months. During this time, we went from talking about things to actually looking. We found one guy and even though I couldn’t be there, I let her go meet him. They met a public place and something went down, not sure what exactly (I can explain this later).
This being a long time ago, I don’t recall every exact detail in chronological order or exactly how many times I brought this up or she brought it up but I am being honest when I say that there were many times this came up, either during sex or just in conversation and mostly it was me that brought it up. Over a period of 3 years I was mostly the one who brought this up. Each time this came up, and it was quite a bit, it might last a bit but would always end in “I don’t want to do this, I’m not comfortable.” There were other times though, that she was the one who brought this up, and it was more than a “rare occasion.”
Take note of this and fast forward: It’s January 2016 and my wife really buckles down on her dieting by joining FA. She gets a sponsor and starts following the program. Over the next several months she starts losing weight. During this time, I felt things start to change (perhaps this is an afterthought, after being after what happens). One day, she told me her sponsor suggested maybe having a penpal (never elaborated on what type of penpal) as part of her service work. One of the things that she began to say during the first part of 2016 is that she has always had guy friends, that she doesn’t get along with gals, and that she had to give up all her guy friends. Not wanting to be the a**hole and trying to be supportive, I said okay.
Not long after, she tells me she has her penpal and he’s prisoner in the next state. I had objections to this and told her of them but she was going to do it. At first, she would tell me when a letter came. She received a few and would say “I got a letter today.” There came a relatively short time when I noticed she never said anything about receiving letters but she said she was still getting letters. I was never offered to read these letters.
One day, I was looking under the car seat for something for my kid when I pulled out a letter from this pen pal and as you probably surmised by this point, I was shocked. Now, there was nothing from her; this letter was from him. However, there was nothing “friendly” about this letter. It was romantically deep and things were in this letter that had obviously been discussed.
I’ll move along to avoid drawing this out too long, but leave it as said that there was definitely an emotional affair going on. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure she went to see him a few times. July 2016, she told me she wants to separate. As I have no choice, I go. However, with the kids being there at the house I was over there with them a good bit when she would go off for time for herself. One day, I found the stash of letters. There were phone calls, money sent for the phones and for food. Dreams talked about, and seemingly, plans made for a time when he is out of prison. However, she denied seeing him and that she wanted him on that level.
The separation only lasted about 3 weeks. From July to November this issue came up a few times until we started counseling. Counseling seemed to be going good and relations started to improve. One night, after we had had about 4 sessions, I was unable to go because I was sick. She went alone and had an individual session. She came home and seemed like she had been very upset but trudged on. After that, we never went back. She said Christmas was coming and it was too expensive (out of pocket). However, I think the therapist struck some raw nerves in there and she didn’t want to go back after that. This is my opinion because it all just seemed like weak excuses.
Christmas time came and everything was great. We went out of state for Christmas to her extended family’s area. The Christmas card I received from her was very emotional and deep, and it seemed from this and the way things that we were on the mend.
At the end of January, I hear from her that she is back in touch with her friend that I’ll call Ron. Ron was someone she had met in 2000 and was very good friends with. Over the next few weeks, there were a few times when I would walk into the room and she would be on Facebook chatting and would click out of the chat window. A time or two, I saw that it was Ron. One day, I decided to look in her phone and saw where their conversations were racy and that had just a little while before tried to send him a picture of her cleavage. From the time that she started talking to him she grew more and more distant. It eventually became like we were just roommates. In the middle of March she told me she wanted to separate so here we are.
A few facts to consider along with everything that is above:
1. During the 2011 – 2012 time frame, my wife had an addiction to pain pills. I went back overseas in 2012 and it was while I was there the last time that I became aware of this issue. This problem was very severe, just at the point of heroin use so between doctor shopping and using nefarious individuals to obtain pills, who knows what sorts of things could have happened….
2. My wife grew up with an alcoholic and verbally abusive father. She witnessed verbal abuse of her mother by her father then experienced it herself when she was a teen for dating outside of her race.
3. My wife was sexually violated at age 15, approximately 35 times by someone. She claims not rape, but on the last time he was at that point…
4. There are other issues that occurred over the years in the name of trust, but those are not reoccurring themes in discussions.
My wife stated that her main problem with me is that, considering the sexual abuse she endured, why I would ask her to have sex with another man, and moreover why I kept asking after all the times she said no. She said this has caused her to feel like she is not enough for me sexually, that she can’t get it out of her head.
With the above information in mind, please, any women who have either experienced similar circumstances or whatever please offer me some insight. Like, I’m truly sorry that this happened. I SHOULD have known not to ask her that, considering her past, but honestly, it just didn’t occur to me. Honestly, it didn’t. And, honestly, I did not know what it was doing to her. Ladies, please, tell me what you think…..