first of all i'am ready to receive not so nice treatment from this board, and yes i know there;s other boards that i can go to. but i've found friends here, and this is were i read posts, and were i have found my situation to be very similar to others here. okay, i got married when i was 16 yrs. old, my H was 21, we have been married for 15 yrs. so far, we have a teenage daughter 13yrs. and a 9 yr. old daughter. everything was great, the first years of my life in my marriage were good, although not the greatest, but we were in love, even though we had gone thru alot, he's parent separation at the time of our marriage, us having to take care of his two lil siblings even before we even go to be a yr. together. he was working and i was in HS. it was alot of stress, but there was love. his brother was 12 and sister 11, so very difficult age, we suffered for food, hard to find a place to live etc. etc., but i never said anything, his dad would come and go, and would never give him a cent for food at least for the kids, but my mouth kept closed, his mother came and went when she wanted but only to take what lil we had, and to create more problems. so finally we made it thru, during the summer i would get summer jobs, and the end of my senior year i had my fist baby. i graduated, started college, and enrolled into the nursing program, i have a nursing degree LVN. i also had another lil girl my depression got bad, after the birth, but somehow, i was in denial, no one understands me up to this point they say it's lazyness, but it's not. my sex drive went down hill, and that's when hell started, about 4yrs. ago, i feel i love my husband to a certain degree because he is the father of my children but i don't have any sexual desires towards him any more i care about him, he got to the point where he would sexually rape me, whenever he wanted sex, we use to get into these ugly fights i would get bruises in my legs and my hands because of him forcing his hands on me, i would dread the night coming on, i would sleep in the couch he would eventually wake up and not find me there, and drag me to the room, stating that was the place i needed to sleep, and that i would sleep there because he wanted. at one point he kicked me off the bed because i managed to get away from him, another time i fought back, and he slapped me in the face saying it was my fault that i made him do it. and then he would just push me around and get real close to me such as intimidating me in order for me to do as he says.
well any how, i ended up feeling so depressed and stuck in a shit hole that i found a person who i talked on line with for a couple yrs. before we met in person, and i was unfaithful to my H and i just don't know my self, i know i've committed a big sin, i still talk to this person, we've been talking for four yrs. i've tried to to leave my husband three times already but i'm unsuccesful. now i've come to the conclusion that i need to break of this marriage because we basically live like good friends, i commited audultery and that's unacceptable in the eyes of god, so the marriage is over, i need to tell him but i'm scared, but that's my only way out. even though he's going to hate me for the rest of my life, but at least i will have peace in my life. and be the owner of life, because he still tries to control what i do to some degree, and it shouldn't be that way.