Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband of 18 years moved out 2 1/2 weeks ago. At first he said he needed time because he didn't know if he still loved me. Yes, I was unhappy in our marriage too because we never talked or did things together except civil family things. It was very lonely, but as soon as he left I realized that is not what I want and I even got a little excited that we could start working on our marriage and get it to a wonderful place.
Since the first few days, I've gotten deeply depressed. I went to a therapist and she advised me to go to my physician because she thinks I am clinically depressed. I realize this problem has been going on for a while and the separation just brought it to the foreground. I have an appointment Monday (This is Wed), but I'm afraid I will do something stupid before that because of these emotions I can not control. Nothing to myself, but something to break the thin connection we are trying to hold on to.
We have been talking (occasionally after the first week) and he is reading a marriage book I bought us both a copy of, but he says he dreads our talks because he fills guilty because he is hurting me so much (I cry pretty much all the time). He told me last night that he is searching his feelings and wants to make sure he is 100% committed before coming back. We separated before 6 years ago and things were better only temporarily. He is afraid that will happen again. I understand the things I did to ruin our relationship and have been writing him taking more blame than I probably should, but he says he knows he is at fault too.
My biggest problem right now is the insecurities I feel. He is telling me he is trying to work though things and wants to go out with me and the kids for dinners and casual things. He sends me short non-emotional emails and calls to let me know what is happening but nothing emotional. He wants to make sure he still loves me the way a husband is suppose to love a wife (In his words "That I would be willing to take a bullet for you") Am I believing in a pipe dream? Will these casual things help him or just make me more unhappy because I'm feeling no emotion from him? I've pored my heart out in letters and been telling him I love him and what I am doing to fix my part of the situation. He says when I call upset, it distances us even more, so I'm trying to stop. I hope the terrible pain I am feeling daily can be lifted a bit by medication. Maybe then I will be able to step back and let him have his space.
Am I just reading bad into everything because I am hurting so much? My family seems to think he is trying, but how long do I wait. I feel so helpless, like he is in control of my life. At times I can see the little things that he is doing, but then I start thinking and wondering if I'm being led on.
Since the first few days, I've gotten deeply depressed. I went to a therapist and she advised me to go to my physician because she thinks I am clinically depressed. I realize this problem has been going on for a while and the separation just brought it to the foreground. I have an appointment Monday (This is Wed), but I'm afraid I will do something stupid before that because of these emotions I can not control. Nothing to myself, but something to break the thin connection we are trying to hold on to.
We have been talking (occasionally after the first week) and he is reading a marriage book I bought us both a copy of, but he says he dreads our talks because he fills guilty because he is hurting me so much (I cry pretty much all the time). He told me last night that he is searching his feelings and wants to make sure he is 100% committed before coming back. We separated before 6 years ago and things were better only temporarily. He is afraid that will happen again. I understand the things I did to ruin our relationship and have been writing him taking more blame than I probably should, but he says he knows he is at fault too.
My biggest problem right now is the insecurities I feel. He is telling me he is trying to work though things and wants to go out with me and the kids for dinners and casual things. He sends me short non-emotional emails and calls to let me know what is happening but nothing emotional. He wants to make sure he still loves me the way a husband is suppose to love a wife (In his words "That I would be willing to take a bullet for you") Am I believing in a pipe dream? Will these casual things help him or just make me more unhappy because I'm feeling no emotion from him? I've pored my heart out in letters and been telling him I love him and what I am doing to fix my part of the situation. He says when I call upset, it distances us even more, so I'm trying to stop. I hope the terrible pain I am feeling daily can be lifted a bit by medication. Maybe then I will be able to step back and let him have his space.
Am I just reading bad into everything because I am hurting so much? My family seems to think he is trying, but how long do I wait. I feel so helpless, like he is in control of my life. At times I can see the little things that he is doing, but then I start thinking and wondering if I'm being led on.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
He could be depressed too. When people are depressed, some people become overly emotional and others seem to have no emotions at all.
I would also suggest if you don't do this already to start a journal. Put all your feelings in it. Share your feelings with your best friend or us here on DS. You both need some time to deal with your respective feelings, after which joint counseling might be the next step.
(((hugs))))
I think you should take a step back from your situation so both of you can breath, clear your minds and so on.
It does sound like he is trying so relax, play it cool just like when you were dating...let him chase you. Making yourself slightly harder to get ahold of may help him out for 2 reasons,
1) It gives you both time to think
2) He may realize he misses you
Don't answer every time he tries to contact you. No I'm not suggesting you play a game, I am simply suggesting you step back, think and give both of you space and time to miss each other.
I am not afraid of hurting myself. Although I've felt being dead would be better than the pain I've been feeling, I know that is not the answer and have 2 kids I would never hurt that way. Plus I work in the ER so I've seen the results and would never do that to my parents or kids.
I was afraid I would get too emotional and call him again. He directly told me this pushes him away, but I've not been able to stop.
I have a wonderful update though. He called me last night. I had written an email. I can write and rewrite until what I'm meaning to say comes through clearly that way, plus he doesn't hear/see the crying. Anyway, something I said made him feel like I was ready to move on and find someone else. I did not mean that and that has never been on my mind, but he was worried. HE WAS WORRIED. That is good right? There must be something still there. He said he needed time to think if he still loves me. He is not usually a jealous person, so maybe this jealousy is a spark of the old love?!
We talked for 2 hours. He initiated it and I only crying once. I made sure he understood I've been talking to a therapist and the crying may be something physical right now. He seemed relaxed and good at the end of our conversation.
He is going to come over this Sunday to watch football (we live in Indiana, so the Colts game is a big deal this weekend) I have to work in the morning, then go back in the evening, so the time together will be limited, but it will be something and he initiated it!