Do you think you will ever be able to get past all of this and move forward with her and trust her again?

I wouldn't tell you what to do, but having been through it, it's very hard to rebuild the trust and intimacy - it will take a long time, and your relationship will never really be the same. We've been trying for over two years, and are again on the brink of divorce.

There's also the fact that you now know she has a propensity to do this, and in your case, I think she was particularly callous in how she went about it. You're a better man than I if you can pull this back together...

You should try counselling if only to satisfy yourself that you tried everything and gave it your all.

At a min the counsellor can help you both realize how you both lost communication so that even if this relationship does not survive you can take these new skills and lessons and use them in your next relationship.

I have not directly experienced an affair ( but I highly suspect he is having one or had had many in the past) Infidelity is very difficult to over come but apparently it can be overcome if both parties are truly genuine about it. so You must think long and hard and see the pro's and the con's and think of your children ( if you have any) and do the correct thing for YOU.

But how can you honestly throw in the towel now... at a min you may get some closure.or maybe you guys will be the lucky ones who "make it" and become a better couple for not the infidelity but the couple counselling you both sought.

You said it right there she doesn't want to settle for less..which means she thinks "your less" that kind of thing will never change. You need to find someone who thinks you are "MORE"

Did she end her other relationship because she realized how wrong she was and wants to fix things with you?

or...

Does she want to fix things with you because her other relationship didn't turn out the way she had hoped?

Two completely different scenarios.

Ditto on mycherub!

I think there is a certain amount of guilt that we all feel if our spouse offers to try to work on the relationship and we refuse. However, having been through what you are going through I can only say that trying to work things out added an extra two years to what was already a painful time in my life. That is only my personal experience, so I cannot say things would not work out for you. But, given that she is suggesting this because other things in her life are not working out I would be leery of investing too much in trying to reconcile.

Her fling fell apart, of course she is crawling back to you!!! You are stable, and "comfortable" and "security" to her. A while ago that was "less" but funny how now it seems to be "more."

I would go to counceling yourself before you make this disicion! Lots of prayer, too. God will revel if her heart is right or if this is a set up! KEEP watch!

Also, unless she has a total about face (which seems to have happened awefully quickly after her break up there) she is likely to do it again. Can you go through this later on down the road.

I know you will do the right thing. Ask the Lord for direction. I think you will know what is best for you and your children very soon.

I think Flutterbye is right. Is she coming back because she realized she has made a terrible mistake and wants a life with you or are you the backup plan? If that is the case, she will walk back out the door the first chance she gets.

Naturally, you are confused. A few sessions with a counselor would probably help you sort out your feelings right now. Sometimes when people are confronted with type of situation, they realize that , yes, at one time they did want to work things out but now they really don't. Nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, you might find that you can forgive her and want to fix things - that's good, also.

Just remember, YOU don't need to settle for less than what you deserve - a loving, faithful spouse whom you can trust. Good luck.

I should also clarify that in our case, "trying" was on an ad hoc basis. I suggested we go to couseling, but she didn't want to do it, so I can't speak for its efficacy, though few people I know, and few people I've heard from on here give it high marks. It seems like in most cases, the focus is on straightening out the other person. Few people seem honest, introspective, and motivated enough to explore what they may have contributed to the situation.

I do agree with Gemini and Flutterbye - do make sure that at the end of the day, you really WANT to be married to her again, and look hard at whether you're anything more than a safety net to her right now.

My stbx refused to go to counciling but now is trying to get me to go to divorce counciling with her to help her get rid of her guilt...She wouldn't go to try and save 16 years of marriage and now she wants me to go to help her feel better about her guilt...NO WAY!

Ponyboy...you're put in a difficult position. Can you salvage it or not? For me....there is no going back with her....ever!
I wish you luck!!!

Ponyboy - My husband and I did couples counseling two years ago - after his serial adultery was revealed> He's gotten fired from his job and his reputation was ruined. I chose to "STAND BY MY MAN" like the song says. He suddenly got religion and actually became a really good husband - for about 8 months!

Who he really is and the lifestyle he really wanted finally won out. Divorce will be final - in 12 days.

The reason I shared that with you is because I believe once that trust is broken by a spouse - it is very difficult to get back. You may still love her dearly - but will you ever be able to trust and respect her as you once did?

Only you can answer that question. God will give you wisdom and discernment if you ask him!

I am living this same thing, I chose to try again when he asked but all the things that were said about his "perfect" haunt me constantly. I feel like his 3rd choice sometimes, even tho he is trying so hard. Good luck with your decision, it's a hard one either way.

If the OM was "so wonderful and right" why didn't it work out? She'll never settle for less again? Seems to me she settled for less when she left you the last time. At the very least, she clearly has some issues with her judgement! If you want to try counseling...cool, but I'd keep her at arms length for a few months to see if her actions match her words! Best of luck!

Wow... your STBX has guts. Also sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants. How long do you think it will take for her to change her mind again if you decide to invest your heart and go into counseling with her at this point?