very good question. Have thought that many times. Currently having the same problem. Interested in hearing some imput too.

How they live with themselves is not my business. I know that feeding my anger and blaming keeps me stuck. That being said, I do wish some kind of non fatal but extremely painful condition on my sbtx. And therin lies the conflict. I know to heal I have to forgive and move on, but I am not in that place today at all.

can't answer your question.
i just divorced one of those.he tells me that it is just the way he is, and he thinks he will never change.
so, let it be.he will move out soon, only then, when he's on his own, maybe he realises that life is meaningless unless it's shared with someone, maybe he will understand that love is give and take, ... just maybe...aparently he is happy this way.

I wonder that too. I want to believe it is something they fail to address and are in many ways unaware of it. They fail to see the results of there issues. They turn it around onto us as if it was all our fault. They will continue to live unfulfilled lives since they can not admit to their own faults. It seems so unfair that it takes so much time we invest in being committed that they just throw it all away as if it meant nothing. All related to selfishness.

i, too, have had many opportunities to wonder about this.

i think that they enjoy it. they act miserable about it, now and then, but overall, i am sorry to say they may just be satisfied with the way they are.

and, anymore i don't care to understand. just want to ensure that i avoid having to deal with it in the future.

I'd like to know the answer to that question. Maybe I will ask him next time I talk to him.

That is exactly what I asked my STBX the day before he walked out. So that he can be "happy" he is destroying so many others rather than adapt or go to counseling.

He hasn't seen me, the kids, or grandkids in six months and it doesn't seem to bother him. The OW is worth it.

I have heard several explanations, but none seem reasonable. Some of us re just wired differently than the rest I guess.

i often think the same thing about a sponge.

i am a kdg teacher, formerly preschool...i see these beautiful children..innocent and new...their whole lives in front of them...i also see their home life...their parents...the experiences they go through (some I"VE never been through), and the often ugly world they are to grow up in...i'm sure your stbx and others like him started off life just as beautiful as these children today do...it's all the yuck and not enought real love in thier lives- comounded with a lack of inner strength and love as adults-- that take them down the wrong paths later in life...

Cynthia, I don't want to have to deal with it in the future, either. What's scarey is that sociopaths put on a good front and later you find out the truth. Think I'll spend a little longer getting to know guys in the future!

Self absorbed people are narcissists, and so they were formed in this pattern of being at about age 6. Some may argue, but it is clear that by puberty, the pattern is set. Their is a provable genetic component to these character traits, and you should, with careful non-judgmental observation, notice these traits in your STBX's family. But just as strong as genetics, is the environment in which we find ourselves. There are many deep and obtuse angles we can branch-out on here, but in a nutshell, it is learned and adapted behavior that has been reinforced to the point of programmed behavioral responses. This is bolstered by a strong genetic predisposition tobeing susceptible to this programming, and their you have it. Voila! The BCWDA narcissistic, histrionic, sociopathic, psychopathic, gas lighting, mendacious, little gems who are our STBX's, OW's, ands OM's. Blah.......

Mo...

adriennne..i agree, the innocence of a child is the first ingredient to life....i have found that all too often the adult influence is a self absorbed back lash on the unaccomplished gaols and dreams of a former youth. i truely admire the adults that sacrifice their short comings in the hopes to strengthen the innocent.

thanks barney...hard work as it is...i wouldn't trade what i do for anything!!!

pure heart, that's all it is is....very simple if you think about it. again, i admire the strength and unselfishness of those of you follow the path. ;)

According to my husband he says it is a constant battle in his head. Fron being selfish and self absorbed to doing what is "right". I wouldn't want that battle within everyday. I know the only time he thinks he is "happy" is when he is drinking.