Actually, I think, paulbear's advise is not suggestion of a game. It is a suggestion of ALTERNATIVE. If you'd think of it: so far you've done so many things to save the relashionship and NONE OF THEM WORKED. so why don't try to do the opposite then? what do you have left to loose...it is not a game, but rather yet another fresh and optimistic take on the problem. and even if the opposite won't work, in this case, at least you'll be doing this all for yOUR own benefits as well - you'll get back self-respect and become a better person.

Honestly, I feel that I did what I could to save the marriage. I can't "make" him stay with me...that is now pretty obvious.

You do what is right now matter what. Just do your best. I am sure that you did your best. Don't be so hard on yourself.

It is a game to act like you feel something you don't.

If your goal in a relationship is to put all the focus on you and your goals and issues, where does that leave the other person? Unfortunately, this game doesn't work for the person who is IN a marriage with someone who won't work on it yet doesn't want to end it.

Maybe Rodd's and paul's situations were different but I was absolutely never "in love" with leaving. I made my feelings clear and just wanted them validated. There were a lot of things he could have said to get me back - but more bullying did not work and this game would not have worked.

I appreciate the idea that a relationship can be saved and indeed maybe it can't be, but perhaps the marriage can't be saved.

I don't want to fight at the moment with my sbtx. I am not in contact with her right now and that is better. I am going to start divorce proceedings.

I am done with her because I am starting to value myself more. Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone that cuts and runs when she feels unheard, or sad. Why would I want a spouse that turns to an extramarital affair rather than counseling to work out problems? I have come to know myself a bit better through this process. I am a man that values committment and has honor. My word is good. I promised to love her and I do love her. However, staying waiting is not love; it is a sort of sickness on my part. Divorce is the last thing I wanted in my life but I see that there are things worse for me and one of those is losing my self respect. She has made it clear how she feels, "We are not married any more." I feel that we will be married until the day the courts say that we are not married. The two of us exist on different planes of belief. I don't think we share core values anymore. That means that reconcilliation would be a sham. It is a great relief to put down that dream of staying together.

PaulBear - I personally don't see how one person can save a marriage when the other one doesn't care!

The only way my marriage would have been saved is if I would have taken him back after yet another affair, taken on all the blame, looked the other way as he did it once again..I could go on and on with issues of the marriage.

Point is - in my particular position, YES, I did everything I could do to save my marriage. It was one sided clearly - I accepted him as a cheater and I also accepted that I no longer accept it.

There is no way that my marriage would have been saved..no way in the world.

Ugh...

I see myself in the post and so many of the replies. I am so conflicted and confused and trying to decide what to do in my situation...H left in June, seeing a counselor, throwing evything I have at trying to make it work, he seeming to just take it all in and doing the bare minimum, I don't know where to draw the line in the sand. Still too much hope to file, but weary of the process...I know the only way banging my head against the wall will stop hurting is to stop banging my head against the wall, but if I give up, he won't step up.

Ugh..

lovesuks - please read what I wrote

I DID NOT write that one person can save a marriage when the other person doesn't care.

please read b4 you post

daisyday,

Okay when I suggest that you act as if youre happy this is not suggesting that you do this while you are IN a relationship. This is suggested for the LBS to begin to show the WAS that you can and will be able to get on with your life. This is in a response to a relationship that has desegregated to the point that the marriage is in separate/divorce mode.

A funny thing begins to happen when you act as if you actually begin to BE happy and are able TO MOVE ON.


I did not suggest that the goal IN a relationship is to put all the focus on you and your goals and issues. Again this is when the WAS has gone and left the LBS.

This is after the typical WAS has abandoned the marriage and vows and become narrow minded, ego centric, selfish and stubborn. The putting the focus on YOU is to regain control of their lives and try to restore the shattered heart of the LBS in the wake of the brutality of divorce.

You have to know that you tried and would have continued trying if she would have let you. I know I would have loved mine forever and done anything for him and to save our marriage, but he wasn't willing and I couldn't do it on my own anymore. We all reach that point. You have done nothing wrong.

Some of the replies sound alot like that divorce busting book out there.

Personally, I dont feel one person can save a marriage. You can certainly bust your behind in trying to but if the other person just isnt interested it isnt going to work no matter what you do.

I feel I have done all I can and so I now accept that and am taking care of me and doing what I can for ME. If in time he comes around, good for him but when he does I may be long gone.

So no, I guess I really dont think one person can work on the marriage while the other is disinterested.

that's great for your myopic view point. But there are people who have and will continue to.

PaulBear - I guess i'm not understanding what you wrote then in reply #13 you wrote you disagree with the statement "you can't work on a relationship when the other person doesn't want to"

You stated - Most of the time it takes one person to begin to repair a relationship. Or as you said in the same post it takes one person to get the ball rolling, but when the other person doesn't want to help roll the ball then what?

Reply #27 - 01/03/08 6:34pm
" that's great for your myopic view point. But there are people who have and will continue to. "

PaulBear:

Who exactly would you be talking to? I would certainly hope not me since I was the reply before yours. If so, perhaps you should restrain yourself in your passing judgement of others. Or maybe not participate in a thread where the opinions of others is being asked for in case they dont agree with your own as to avoid any potential arguments.

The OP asked for opinions and what people thought, I gave mine as did others, just because someone does not agree with your viewpoint it does not mean they are narrow minded. You do not know the stories behind a majority of people on this site and what they have or have not done in regards to their marriages.

I find your reply sad at best.

My H left in July and I am still trying to save the marriage whilst he has single handedly decided it be best for the both of us to divorce. It is a heartbreaking endeavour and I realize that soon I will have to understand that I truly did everything I could and move on.
I agree with everything you have said Paul and my counsellour thinks along the same lines. It is easier to know the principle then to put it practice, in my case anyways. Good post and good discussion!