i think true healing will start now that you are sober. Good for you :-) I would warn that you are in for a rough time still since you haven't taken the time to grieve. So sorry. Christmas is really hard when it reminds you of broken relationships or death or loss. Just don't turn to alcohol again. Be brave and face it head on and there are a lot of nice people here who will help you :-)

try to understand that you ARE FEELING...you are right to admit that last year you were numb...and although it is painful now...it it REAL. the longer you would have stayed numb, the more painful the reality would have been...THERE ARE BETTER DAYS AHEAD!!!

Hang in there through the pain. I hate it but the truth is we just have to bear the pain. I'm right there bearing it with you.

My addiction of choice is spending too much money, it was one of the big fighting points with my stbx.

Ironically her leaving helped me to deal with that better, partly because of her enabling/controlling personality not being present, and ultimatly because I was't ready to face some of my pain before that (so I take 100% ownership of my problem).

I think the number one helper is learning to love yourself and set healthly boundries, if you have lost him when you heal you can have a happy relationship with someone someday. So part of the healing is letting go of the past and hopeing and working for a better future.

I hope you find the strength to face your pain, cry, get angry, or what ever else you need to do to heal. If you relapse again don't kick yourself just get determined and get back up dust yourself off and find strength again there is healing, it is a process.

Your worth fighting for, so fight kick and scratch your way to healing.

Thank you for all of you kind replies--- each of you are right. I need to take this time and focus on myself and think about the future.

I didnt drink too much when i was with my stbx for five years. before hand a did alot. towards the end i started too and when she left i did. Im now part of AA and still struggle. but i will tell you one thing. Drinking away the pain is no cure. you wake up and the situation is still there. but now you feel worse. i probably will drink again in my life. but right now its probably the worst thing i can do for myself. Good Luck

wow, I just read that post and it sounds ALOT like what I went through. for me, even today living alone just my dog Max and I, I don't go out much or do anything. Going "stag" really sucks. Be thankfull you have carring frieds! But I am dealing ok with it. I know it was for the best. I was with her for 7 years and also going to be married to her. But as time went on we grew apart from eachother. Today I just try to tak it day by day and try to make the best of it. Like a friend at work told me life is to short to be mad and pissed off and said all the time. Good advice. The holidays I know are going to be hard for me. But I have a fun loving family that I'm sure will help me through. Just try to think and stay positve. You'll get through it.

For me, going to AA meetings nearly every day helps (sober for 17 months!). They keep me grounded and out of my own head (dangerous place to be--LOL!). When I'm having a hard time, I pick up the phone and call another recovering alcoholic and that seems to help. Be careful when you're in H.A.L.T: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, & Tired. We have a tendency to relapse when one of those needs aren't met.

BIIIIG HUG! Feel free to shoot me a message if you need to vent :)

Hello, I was 39 when I reluctantly decided to get clean and sober at the same time I was getting divorced. I was taught that all the years I was drinking I never dealt with any feelings instead I was numbing them out.
So for the next 5 years in recovery I had old feelings bouncing out all over the place, so many I didn't actually know what was what- but I finally started learning something very vital to being able to live life on life's terms.
I finally experienced SERENITY for the first time in my life and Hell I liked it.
So I keep doing what I learned to do.
Congrats to all who are living alcohol free for today.