I married my 1st husband when I was 22. He was my high school sweetheart and a year & a half after marriage I began to feel trapped and was tired of being ignored so I left the marriage. I was unfaithful to my first husband the last 2 months of our marriage. I ended up marrying the man I was unfaithful with. I had no alone time or break in between the 2 relationships. I am now feeling like I made a huge mistake. My current husband started out very sweet and sensitive to my needs saying he would never treat me the way my 1st husband did. That lasted until we were engaged. I had a gut feeling that I should walk away but I was too proud of admitting I had made a mistake. My current husband likes to put me down in front of people saying things like "I'm sharp as a marble". He always has to point out to me that "HE" owns the house and the cars. Once when we were engaged we got into an argument and I tried to walk away. He grabbed me by the back of the neck to keep me from leaving, enough to the point it hurt me. He hasn't touched me since but this still weighs on my mind and he says he never remembers doing that. Most recently he got really drunk one night at a mutual friends house. He called me up and said if I came home smelling like sex he was going to slit my throat. When I confronted him about this the next day he does not remember saying it and says he would never do that. After talking to my family and friends I have found out that there were quite a few who didn't approve of how he treated me but never told me because they thought I was happy. I know I'm not in love with him but this is my 2nd marriage and it's only been a little over a year. I really started questioning my choice once we started talking about kids. I have this gut feeling that if we have kids together he will become more belittling to me and controlling. I know he loves me the best he can but I don't think it's the best I deserve. I feel the only reason why I am staying is because I can't bear to break his heart and my family's. I feel like I will be letting them down so much that I would rather suffer than have to bear the pain I would be putting everyone else through. I know I have screwed up so badly and I'm not sure what to do.
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