Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
hello. i'm new here. i'm am so relieved to have found this site!
i'm very alone. my friends were her friends originally. i isolated myself and now have noone. except for my beautiful cats, one unavailable friend, and my therapist.
i'm struggling with a lot of grief and sorrow and regret. i abrasively and ragefully told my girlfriend to move out 4 months ago. now in the past couple of weeks i've been seeing more and more and more how a benign incident triggered a profound and paralyzing fear within me. i panicked and reacted angrily by pushing her out. i continue having flashbacks to moments and words that i missed hearing, that i missed accepting, acknowledging...
i cry throughout the day...
i feel like i've woken up from a nightmare... 4 months of being blinded by fear and anger, stuck in the quicksand. i stayed still long enough to be able to hear, to be able to pull myself out of that fearful, angry quicksand. now i'm laying on the ground, exhausted, terrified, covered in disgusting mud, feeling naked, vulnerable, raw, lost.
fear and anger that had so little to do with her and so so much to do with unhealed childhood wounds, erupted, like acid, and melted away our union. and now i am paying a price that breaks my heart. that broke her heart repeatedly.
i couldn't hear what she was saying... i couldn't hear/see that the safety, trust, and loyalty that i've always wanted was truly alive and well... and now i see how harshly i reacted, treating the most wonderful person i've ever known rudely, disrespectfully, unkindly.
i'm very alone. my friends were her friends originally. i isolated myself and now have noone. except for my beautiful cats, one unavailable friend, and my therapist.
i'm struggling with a lot of grief and sorrow and regret. i abrasively and ragefully told my girlfriend to move out 4 months ago. now in the past couple of weeks i've been seeing more and more and more how a benign incident triggered a profound and paralyzing fear within me. i panicked and reacted angrily by pushing her out. i continue having flashbacks to moments and words that i missed hearing, that i missed accepting, acknowledging...
i cry throughout the day...
i feel like i've woken up from a nightmare... 4 months of being blinded by fear and anger, stuck in the quicksand. i stayed still long enough to be able to hear, to be able to pull myself out of that fearful, angry quicksand. now i'm laying on the ground, exhausted, terrified, covered in disgusting mud, feeling naked, vulnerable, raw, lost.
fear and anger that had so little to do with her and so so much to do with unhealed childhood wounds, erupted, like acid, and melted away our union. and now i am paying a price that breaks my heart. that broke her heart repeatedly.
i couldn't hear what she was saying... i couldn't hear/see that the safety, trust, and loyalty that i've always wanted was truly alive and well... and now i see how harshly i reacted, treating the most wonderful person i've ever known rudely, disrespectfully, unkindly.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Welcome to DS. These people saved my life. I won't be the only one to testify to the healing offered by wonderful people on DS. Strange that the worst struggle in your life becomes the best growing experience in a very short time.
At least now you are aware. Good Luck.
i'm practically obsessed with anxious painful thoughts about a 'friendship' she has reassured me and i do believe sometimes, is just friends... i feel fury at the thought of them hanging out... i feel fury and disrespected because this was the beginning of the end in some ways... she started the friendship 4 months ago, we were already in trouble, i asked her to wait, because she had admitted to me that there had been flirtation and sexual energy... but she assured me it was no longer that... and because i had asked her many times to limit contact with several other friends of hers that she had been intimate with in the past ... i'm the type that doesn't keep in contact with exes... i have had a hard time understanding... and she was agreeable with me about limits, but it caught up with her and she realized she had agreed out of fear of losing me, fear of upsetting me... rather than plain ole' support... and in hindsight... the majority of those 'exes' had been nothing more than a one nighter... she has boundary issues which irritate me to no end... anyway, so i asked her one to many times and i understand that this last time she had to, for her own well-being, she had to say no... granted her manner with me wasn't great either... nevertheless, i reacted harshly...
my childhood pain stems from not feeling supported, no one had my back, i felt betrayed by my sister when she'd gripe about my parents to me and kiss their ass when they were around... i understand she coped how she needed... the pain is still there... the anger... so despite moments of feeling calm and reassured and clear and confidant in our love, and in who i am... sometimes i feel such rage that i know it has connection to some intense pain from childhood that i haven't acknowledged yet, haven't separated the pain that belongs to then vs. the pain that relates to the present reality...
thank you for reading... "
i wrote this 11/13 afternoon...
i'm actually in a good place right now... i'm doing an alright job of stopping negative 'what if' thoughts. i'm choosing faith in what we had and self-respect. hey, i'm a catch and she knows it... she tells me i'm spectacular and that she really likes me and that i'm the only one she knows who responds to her with compassion... and i'm remembering her reassuring words, 'i'm not attracted to her' 'she's not important to me' 'i don't know if she is going to be a friend or what'.
anyway, mostly i'm just choosing to focus on my day, my interests, my life, making new friends, getting support, enjoying my kitties, remembering i have a full life... i have my asl studies, my b/w photography, a party to go to after thanksgiving, new people that i'm meeting...
and also, just remembering the painful things i don't have to deal with anymore... differences in our needs between us that too often conflicted... remembering i've been asking for space for a long time... my regret is my harsh reaction that wasn't called for... and i also know that that was the best i could do then. i didn't know what i know now about myself... clearly i had to go thru this to learn how to separate my anger towards my father from anyone in the present...
and frankly, let her go start something with that person... someone told me that person takes things personally a lot... lol. so does my g/f. maybe some of her own sh*t back at her is a good thang... from what i do know of that person, if she wants her over me, then i didn't know my g/f like i'd thought... she can have her...
she may be coming over today... (her stuff is here still.) i'm ready to be pleasant, confidant, strong, smiles, helpful, kind... i do believe part of human nature is wanting what they don't have... so i do think it's important just in terms of human dynamics, that the sooner i really let her go, accept it's over, find peace within me, and stop asking, begging, for a reconciliation, the sooner she'll come my way... and you know what's interesting, i noticed a part of me actually feel uncomfortable with the idea of us reuniting any time soon... she wants to see behavior changes in me... turns out, i want to/need to see behavior changes in her too... so, truth be told... i'm not ready to get back together either.
of course, as i reread this, my insecure thoughts start trying to get me... u had a good thing, she wasn't having any affair of any kind, u f#cked up, she's with that woman, blah blah blah... aaargh! i don't know how to interpret a lot of what she says... is she saying i'm spectacular as a simple objective straight-forward statement or is she saying it as a way of saying, that's how special and important you are in my heart, still... she has a way of using words in ways that mean a lot more to me than they do to her... so... yuck...!
nope nope nope. stop stop stop.
happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts...
" thank you all... sickoflife, dixie, betunot, maryariene, lindel, and snowcanwait2... i'm still learning how to maneuver thru this site and only now found out of all of your supportive, compassionate, kind replies! i added dailystrength's alert email addresses to my book so they won't go to spam anymore... anyway, i talked with her today and she gave me and i accepted her words of hope... things she said: i'm her soulmate because with me/because of our love, she is evolving... she added that she knows it doesn't mean we will definitely end up together... that didn't help... but i'm trying to hold to what does make me feel better... her song for grief, alanis's 'simple together'... i interpreted it as we are completely over... she explained, no, that it's just her grief song, and reminded me that alanis starts by talking about 'this transition...' (truly, my g/f and i speak different languages... words, for me, are much more intense in meaning than they are to her... i have to remember that... when i hear her calling others baby, sweetie, honey and all her 'i love yous' to others...) i'm going to post some other things i've written to keep you up-to-date... thank you for caring, for being so interested, for wanting to be kind and supportive... thank you!
Take it one day at a time. Forgive yourself...we are all human! Tell yourself your life will get better and it will.
Cherish yourself...for those of us who have endured rough childhoods, it's important to reparent ourselves and learn to be loving and gentle with ourselves.
Thanks for reaching out~
we definitely and i definitely need to cool things out... and i am in no way looking to start anything intimate any time soon with anyone else... our separation happened for a reason, not just bc of my reaction... it helps me to remember that where we're now at needed to happen one way or another...
it would be so much easier to deal with this if we weren't still in contact... all her stuff is still here 'til she finds a place in unaffordable los angeles...
if she would just tell me that 'it' (whatever that is) is over with that 'friend.' it would make such a difference to not be in this limbo... i just want to hear, yes, i'm interested in her or no way never going to happen w her... right now i feel like it's all up in the air... that's my suspicious hypervigilant mind... danger danger danger! maybe, just maybe, there is no limbo... maybe i don't know how to hear or trust her words... i know when i feel insecure about something i need to be assured over and over 'til it sinks in.
maybe i just can't be at peace. don't know how. still not believing i deserve good lovin'. maybe.
she HAS told me recently that that person isn't important to her... but her actions contradict... they spend time together... she doesn't even want me to meet her anymore because 'she just isn't that important.'
so my mind goes to, sure, u just don't want me to meet her cuz u or her feel more for each other than just friends and it'd be too awkward for one or both of u... anyway, she also called me her soulmate but then added that doesn't mean we'll grow old together...
so all of this is to say, i want to move far away and not deal with her until i'm more at peace with myself and can let myself trust and receive love... i'm the cold-turkey kinda person... this dragging things out, her stuff here, her talk of she loves me but can't call us a couple or girlfriend... if that other woman wasn't in the picture it would feel more clear to me... of course, i know i am most likely making that woman much more important than she really is... i'm trying to get some clarity on it... i asked her if she would let me know occasionally how their friendship is evolving.
this came after i had disclosed that part of what was hard was that a few times after a relationship ended, i've had exes hook up with someone that they had insistently claimed was 'just' their new friend... then she told me that she that happens frequently... i didn't know that... so.... i'll stop here... i was going to continue with my suspicious thoughts again... it's pointless. i'm addicted.
thanks for reading this all the way to here...