Hey everyone. I haven't really been on here in a while. I am just having a really bad day. Could use some support and advice. I just moved into a apartment alone and in a new city. I think being alone a good bit has triggered some stuff. Because its like now I finally can breathe a little and relax because I am more stable having my own home. But I feel like a lot of stuff is catching up with me. MY STBX and I have been seperated for 7 months now and I feel I have made a lot of progress yet feel like I am going backwards as well. Also something that is killing me is 4 months ago before I left we slept together...literally the day I was moving to go back home. I feel so stupid about this. I feel like such a fool for doing that and it is just eating at me. Its like how could I have made such a mistake knowing he cheated on me! He got what he wanted and I got more pain. I really couldn't sleep at all last night it kept going over in my head about the other women and all the lies. My STBX had a whole other life with women and a whole secret myspace with these women for three years. I didn't find out about this until we were seperated. I had no clue while we were together. So I am finding the random thoughts about his lies and the women pop up when I am trying to sleep. I have tired journaling and writing stuff down but it isn't really helping. But finally I went to sleep. And for the first time in a while I woke up feeling angry and sad still! Usually when I pass out and get some rest I wake up and feel a lot better. I started crying over all the lies and the pain I still feel. I just feel so emotionally worn out. And then I thought I am going to send him a long email about how much pain I am in because of him. I was thikning he always says to me...if your happy I am happy. Well I wanted to tell him you know what I am not happy you loser. I am in a lot of pain because of you. So I have this long email sitting in my drafts that I just wrote him. I got a lot of it out. And I was just about to send it then I remembered things you guys say here....like it won't matter if I send it. Or don't contact him. I think I am just going to reread it and then just delete it. I just feel angry and upset today. I feel like he is all happy and moving forward and I keep getting stuck. BLAH!
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