Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

11,205 Members
99,785 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Question of timing

deleted_user
deleted_user
My STBX moved out with the kids last weekend. Since then, she's come back a couple of times to pick up some things. I have absolutely no problem with that at all.

My question is, when (and how) do I let her know that, while she is welcome to come by and pick up whatever she needs, she needs to call and let me know she's coming over. After all, she doesn't live there anymore and she can't just show up unannounced. I got out of the shower Tuesday morning to the sound of voices in my living room - she and her father were there.

When is it appropriate (if ever) to ask for the keys and the garage door remote? Her name is on the deed, but it's not her home anymore.

I hope this doesn't come off sounding cold. She is welcome to come pick up whatever she or the kids need, but I just want a phone call first...I don't necessarily need to be home at the time, but I want to know. I don't want to tell her in a way that will cause any more tension than there already is.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Change the locks, that will make her call!
JennyN
JennyN
You have the right to have her respect your privacy...she should call before eventhough her name is still on the deed. Just tell her calmly and matter of factly....I need you to start letting me know when you are planning on coming over next time. Tell her it is a privacy issue and give her the example you stated above. Divorce is never easy, I wish you luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sorry, but to me that is just plain rude. She chose to leave, however, she is treating it like it is still her home. Can't wait to hear you telling the story that you were "otherwise" occupied and she just comes waltzing in! ;-)
Just explain to her that you would really appreciate knowing when she is going to come by, so that you can make sure that everything in in order? I dunno,, however, she should have thought of this on her own! I'm actually baffled!
deleted_user
deleted_user
You need to stand up for yourself.
Just tell her that you want to know ahead of time when she's coming over. As a courtesy.

Don't change the locks unless you feel that you truly can't trust her.
My stbx did that and it made things even more tense.
When he tried to reach out after that, I didn't believe his sincerity partially because he'd shown me that he didn't trust me or care for me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
tell that unless she gives you fair notice you will change the locks but must tell her you are going to change the locks
deleted_user
deleted_user
When my stbx used his key the first time while I was home sitting on the couch, I asked for the key back. I told him that he doesn't live here and therefore, can't just walk in. He got really angry, but he always does when I stand up for myself with him. Lately, he would text me that he was pulling up, or would be here in a few minutes. I told him over the weekend that going forward, I want 30 minutes notice.

In my opinion, it's a matter of simple respect you should give anyone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Mine showed up once when I was out of town (he knew I was gone). He called my kids to see if we wanted him to feed the dog. I was like WTF? I talked to him and asked why he was there, he said, well you said anytime I wanted I could come over and watch the football game (stupid Sunday Ticket which I couldn't cancel). That would have been very fine and good except he didn't tell me he was coming over and how come he has come come back since (you know to watch a game with the kids). I do now have the garage remote and will probably change my locks after x-mas (I need him to watch over things while I am out of town).
deleted_user
deleted_user
I changed the locks on the door the day after he moved out. It is not his home anymore and he can't come and go as he pleases. I don't think you are cold, you need to protect yourself now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The next time you see her, I would say "you have decided to leave, this is my home now, not yours, can I please have the keys"... or something to that effect.

It was her decision, so make her deal with it. If she refuses, then tell her you will be changing the locks, and starting the paperwork to get her name of the deed.

She can't have it both ways!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
its common courtesy to call ahead of time before showing up anywhere. but maybe in her head she believes that its still her place since her belongings are still present. with my situation, my ex chosed to leave, but i made it clear by asking kindly to give some kind of idea when he would be dropping by. asking for the keys was a little difficult fact being he was still helping me financially pay the rent. i didnt want to burn my bridges! asking wont hurt, but the way you go about it makes a difference!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I told my stbx, the day he left, that I was changing the locks that day. Right then I asked him for the keys and the garage remote. He chose to leave our house, I didn't make him go. In my eyes, that makes the house my home not his and he needs to respect that. Eventually we will have to sell it and devide things up, but in the mean time it is my home. He is welcome to come and pick up his mail and anything else that is his, but I made it clear that he WILL call before he stops by.
deleted_user
deleted_user
What FOOMTN said, and that's what I did was change the locks. Of course mine went a little diffent, as she left with our kids while I was at work so I had no idea if she whould sneak in and rob me blind.

You have a right to not only respect of your time but a say so in how things are divided. Lack of respect of my boundries was part of my stbx's vices.
deleted_user
deleted_user
change the locks
change the frequency on garage door

but if she's on deed, she has legal right to access at all times

if you have assumed all mortgage bills, bank must be notified so equity from this point forth is strictly yours, not to be divided equally later!
deleted_user
deleted_user
FYI - As far as assets go, depending on if you live in a community property state, the equity is divided equally (50/50) between husband and wife especially if you are both on the deed. She would have an equitable interest in the property. Check with a local Real Estate attorney, they will know the laws in your state. Typically she would have to sign a quit claim deed to have her name removed off of the title and sign a statement saying she gives up any rights to the property. Otherwise she would have to be compensated for her share of the equity. This is what I know being a Realtor, however I'm not an attorney and you should definately take that up with one. Good luck!
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • irishwriter

    come unwind in the bp lounge

    Posted by: irishwriter
    Last Reply: irishwriter
    7916
    theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
  • Rizen

    Walk a Day

    Posted by: Rizen
    Last Reply: Rizen
    1895
    I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...