I don't think you do get over the shock of being cheated, you learn to accept the fact that it was him (or her). My wife cheated on me, and I was always asking myself the question "What did i do wrong?". But is wasn't me or you. It's their problem, and they are the ones that have it.

You need to realize that there is nothing wrong with you! You had no control over it. It's not an easy conclusion to come to either. It took me years to understand this (with the help of a good friend). Don't bet yourself up over this!

I went through cheating. When I was 24 I was being told I was old and that he could have an 18 year old. One day I screamed " I could too!!" LOL. He cheated & I kept blaming myself ( I was young and didn't know better). I must have dyed my hair 7 different colors trying to be what I thought he wanted. He called me 'fat ass' all the time. I lost weight ( due to nerves mostly) . I was size 5. Men were whistling at me in the street all the time, I was constantly being hit on. What was his comment? ????? " Well NOW you're flat." I was a 36 C, not exactly flat, is it? I finally dumped his butt. He begged me for months crying on his knees and stalking me for me to come back.
Enter husband # 2. Tells me how beautiful I am . Marries me. I swear the same day I married him I turned into a real pig. He never stopped putting me down & especially after I got pregnant the first time. I was a lucky pregnant woman whose husband told her she was ' Too gross to sleep with now'.
I know now that men who feel really inadequate make their partner feel that way because it is the ONLY way they can feel good about themselves.

It has been nearly two years since I found out about her affair. I was devastated at first. Since then I have realized some of the mistakes and behaviors that I had which made it easier for her to quit trying at the marriage. I still get angry and bitter, but that has lessened with time. I am now trying to pull the pieces of my life back together and hope that someday I will find Ms. Right. Or maybe she will find me. That would be ok to.

This may sound a bit minor, but what hurt - really hurt was the expression on his face when he said her name. I knew at that moment and I just felt like time stood still or like I couldn't take that next breath. My heart literally ached. The next morning I felt like I was eating breakfast with a stranger. I was so uncomfortable trying to make conversation.

Well I found out on my computer and never ever thought I would have to deal with this, he has found someone way way younger and for a no strings attatched relationship. I f I had not found out how long would it have gone on, my world and childs world has just stopped

Cheating usually has nothing to do with if the spouse if fat or ugly. It is a consience decision by the cheater to engage in acts inappropriate and destructive to their family. It is selfish and does not consider or care about the consequences.

When a marriage falls apart there are always things that both parties could have done better. But the choice for a spouse to cheat in reaction to the problems is totally their choice. I went through the same feelings that it was my fault or that there was something I could have done differently. But in the end, if they choose to react to the problems (real or perceived) by turning to someone else that is completely their responsibility.

On the bright, this feeling too shall pass!

Yeah, I also felt like it was my fault. In fact, he didn't come out and say it was all my fault, but would say that he thought I didn't love him anymore and thought I wouldn't care. He also said I was too busy with school to give him the attention that he needed, so he felt justified in his actions. I also went through an ugly and fat feeling phase. My husband says it had nothing to do with my looks, just that he wasn't happy in our marriage and he had found something with his mistress that was missing from our relationship. I was unhappy in our marriage for a lot longer than he was and I was supportive to him when he was in school, even though he didn't have any time for me-I still didn't cheat or ever contemplate cheating. I think there are just people out their that lack any conscious or moral code and they use other people for a scapegoat for their poor choices and society-viewed, bad actions.

He made a CHOICE. It was a BAD choice, but HIS CHOICE all the same. YOU can not take blame or resposibility for someone elses actions. HIS affair, was HIS ACTION, HE has to be accountable for that.

Affairs happen for all kinds of reasons, none of them justifiable. Cheaters often blame the other spouse for the affair, that is typical and normal.

My H had an affair. When initially confronted, he tried that lame crap of blaming me for HIS CHOICE. Said it was because I did this, I didnt do that, I never said this, I never said that. No matter what we do, dont do, say, dont say, give or dont give, we cant control another persons actions.

Once the shock wears off, its better to get a handle on what is really going on.

Stay strong~

Oh, I forgot to say that I was devastated when I found out. What was more devastating was his unwillingness to end it when he was caught. The day I found out I went to school bawling and he was talking to her the whole time I was gone at school, apologizing to her because I called her and was bitching at her ( that's how I found out, there was a mysterious picture and phone number on the computer that my husband claims he didn't know anything about- so I called it). I am still in shock. I have also turned bitter, angry, and resentful. I have even come close to wanting to put him through the same thing so he can finally get a taste of his own medicine. I'm better than that though and I won't do anything like that.

I would like to say that you are not going insane. I think it is common for people to blame themselves when a spouse cheats. They say..." If I just could have done this...", "If I just could have looked this way...". It has nothing to do with the way you look or how you are, they are the cowards who couldn't deal with their problems like an adult. Even if you had major problems, cheating is never exceptable behavior. A real man or woman would address their problems with their spouse or end things before they began something with someone else. I agree with mojo3894, this too shall pass. Keep your chin up, you'll be fine!!!

You are not going insane. I struggle with it too. I'm always asking myself, "What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently?" I wonder if I wasn't there for him enough. Why wasn't I good enough? It's a struggle. You are not alone.

people who cheat are insecure and selfish. you are not fat or ugly, you are a beautiful person inside and out, and he will realize that.

you are not alone in your belief, i am sure of that! in my case i got to see the whore and all i can say is, WOW!! at first we all thought she was a he, which did help me feel a little better. the people that cheat, are the ones with the problem, i stopped listening to his stupid reasons why. his loss, another wonderful man's gain is how i look at it!!

I felt like I was to blame too. When I found out I went a little overboard trying to "win" her back. We even started making plans for our new future together. It never felt right though. Then I found out that her trip to go see her brother and a friend was actually a "Getaway" for her and her bf. Realized then that no matter what I did, at any point in time, would have changed things.

It has nothing to do with you and your value as a person. I still have no conclusive evidence or admission that there is/was someone else. But he used to run his mouth about having "opportunities," how well he could do out there, and things like that, which sounded like threats. My STBX has never grown up, I wasn't able to stroke his ego enough - being busy w/3 kids & a house to run. He would get upset that I didn't "thank him" for bathing OUR kids! Dunno, I didn't expect thank yous for doing laundry. I think if another woman gives them attention it is a real ego boost for them. And then the little head gets all excited and they indulge! I think it has alot to do w/insecurities. That's just my opinion.

You are a beautiful person and will find the right, mature person who takes "commitment" seriously.