Im On here because its been about 17 days since i decided To end a relationship. Or At least the thought of It. I dated him for 6 months And he for one reason Or another ( excuses i thought at one point were genuine) Didnt want To commit And be in a relationship with me. He never actually said those words, he always said he Was Almost ready And that he Was On his way there , he mentioned he Was the type To make sure everything Was right Before he jumped in To a relationship, he mentioned that when he Was in a relationship "he Was All in" And this why he needed To make sure. I always questioned myself On why i Was so sure of him And he wasnt so sure of me. Was i Not honest enough with him? Was i Not affectionate enough ? Did I seem like a dishonest person ? ... So I was on a mission to prove to him that he could trust me, that I wouldn't hurt him. That I was into him seriously. That I had good intentions. And in that process maybe I lost myself, and I was terrified that he would leave me, that I wasn't enough and therefore that's why he wasn't committing. So I kept holding on to him and his words, but his actions were not meeting his words. In a period of three weeks, he uninvited me from his house party with his friends( and he did it in a ver subtle way ). He told me it was because he was nervous about his friends and the random people at his party asking about us and what we were, we talked about it and I believed him ( that he was just nervous) and it seemed like both of us wanted to talk through what had just happened, why he had gotten cold feet. In the process of that happening, of us trying to work through the un invitation a week later he slipped up in conversation that he had gone hiking with someone when he had previously said he had gone by himself .. It wa the classic slip up where he began the conversation explaining to me the hike and in one of those he slipped and said " we got there early " and quickly fixed it to " I got there" .... I was so distraught that had just happened and I wanted to end it with him right then and there but in the middle of me trying to just get rid of him I also wanted him to fight for me and in that conversation he cried to me , telling me I was everything he wanted and that the girl he had gone hiking with was just a friend... And after him crying to me I telling me she was just and friend I believed him and we talked through it again... And about a week and half later.. [The time he should have in my opinion convinced me of him being honest ( in fact he got more distant and just not the same, not affectionate , not at all trying ) he somehow managed to do the opposite] ... so cut to that week and a half later..I pick him up at his house .. And he is acting very weird.. He prohibits me from going into his home because it's "dirty" and he became very defensive and it just gave me the eeriest feeling. I was distraught , I couldn't Believe that he was doing that when in other times hanging out at his home was normal , he had never behaved that way and it was just so shady. Especially after the last few weeks. He claimed it was nothing , that he had Been painting and it was just dirty and he didn't want me to see his house that way. I of course did not believe and after going to watch a movie ( because I decided to move pass that because maybe it was nothing and maybe he just simply was embarrassed of his mess and decided to spend time with him even after feeling so shitty) we got back to his home and practically forced him let me in cos "I needed to use the restroom". In any case, walked in and saw a pillow , covers , flashlights and papers all over the floor. When I walked in he was also attempting to hide stuff under the sofa and so I walked directly into the bathroom and in the bathroom there was a Bacardi bottle ( so not like him, he hardly drank) and no sign of painting that's for sure. Once I got out of the restroom he had turned off all lights so that I woudnt it see obviously and rushed me out of there ... I still remember how nervous he was, his hands were so fidgety and something was not Right. We talked for hours about it, outside of his house of course and it was a very tense conversation because as always bringing up my feelings about any situation was always tough, he would quickly shut down and blame himself for everything and therefore I felt bad and quickly thought to myself that maybe I was too dramatic and overanalyzing... And couldn't tell him everything I felt. It was so frustrating. That night ended by us moving forward anyway and trying to continue working to be together. The next day though I woke feeling heavy, and I decided ( with tons of tears in my eyes and a real heavy heart) to end it with him, to tell him I could not take it anymore . That we just couldn't work it out. I told him everyhting I was feeling over text because I just could not handle hearing his voice or seeing his face in person ( like I had previously done ) ... Very long story short, he agreed ... He told me ending it out now was for the best .. That I was good person and that I deserved more. (That almost hurt more than anything else) and like that it ended. Of course he didn't fail to mention over text just like he always did, that he was the failure , that he just always came up short and that he wasn't enough and so forth, as if I should feel sorry for him. As if he was the hurt one as if he was the one that was sure of me as I if was the one that had acted so weird and distant and just shady.
So I ended it and what would come next was just a wave of guilt, depression, anxiety and doubt. Doubt in myself, in not making the right choice... In not being sure in the decision that I took of walking away. I miss him terribly and I care for him terribly. I remember how used to be in the beginning, it was so easy and freeing, I never felt any dishonesty on his behalf and then it seemed like when I began mentioning that I was into him and I eventually wanted a relationship, he slowly backed off, I don't know maybe he did it consciouly or unconsciously.
I've been Looking for for people to tell me that I made the right choice. I may never know, what I do know is that I couldn't continue feeling like I was asking for too much.
I often think that maybe I should have been more patient, that maybe he was telling the truth, that maybe he just needed more time. That maybe I wasn't patient enough, understanding enough, enough of something and even that I pushed him away by wanting more.
But I do deserve more , I want a relationship, I want someone who wants to spend time with me and meet his friends and family and include me in his life just like I would. I want clarity.
This is not the first time this has happened to me, I'm told I choose men who aren't willing to commit because I unconsciously think I can get them to commit ??..
Is that even real and if it is, how do I fix that. I definately don't consciously want that. I consciously want someone who commits.
how come some days it feels like I can't live without him , how come I feel like that and also Still know that if he wanted to be with me , then he would. But he's not, so I have to let him go, and stop torturing myself. But how do I do that ?
anybody gone or going through the same ? Any thoughts, advice , words of wisdom.
i want to feel like me again, I felt so sure of myself and somehow in trying to be what he wanted I lost myself and he still didn't want me. It breaks my heart to even write this because I used to love who I was, now I don't even know who I am.
Please help( sorry for writing so much.. But writing the story down is almost therapeutic)