No you are not making a big deal out of this. You dont have the problem, your stbx does. He used you as an object and has harmed you badly. I would suggest you go to a counselor for help.

Nope - you're not. I had that issue with my stbx too. Its not you. I've learned that it wasnt me. I know now that it was his problem and not mine. It really does take a chunk of your self esteem though, doesn't it?

I remember walking into his office in a little pink outfit and sitting on his lap. He completely ignored me. I got something like.. nice bikini. And that was it. He looked over my shoulder at his computer screen. I cried.

And later he'd go surf porn and the internet porn would get some and I would not. I felt cheated on.

anything that causes a spouse to feel as you describe is a bad thing- it matters not who thinks its ok, you are the only one who counts.

You've been traumatized. It's only natural that this would be a major issue for you.

I know a lot of men use porn and certainly the internet has made it unbelievably available to anyone. I think it is like any potentially addictive behavior. No big deal if someone drinks a little bit. Big, big deal when someone has a drinking problem. Same for gambling, workaholics, shopping addictions, etc. A person who has been in a relationship with someone with an addiction would be a fool not to view it as a potential problem in subsequent relationships.

There are many men out there who don't have a problem with sustaining from porn.
Don't feel like you won't be able to find someone who will honor your feelings. You will, just be upfront about it.

As for harming your self esteem. Well, my STBX has said some things to me over the years that most people would think were no big deal. But they were a big deal to me and rocked the foundation of my self-esteem. That is why I decided to end this marriage. I will no longer submit to his toxic behavior. I couldn't just shrug it off. I'm having to work hard on my emotional stuff right now, just to get back to 'normal'. People's words and actions can hurt you deeply. You are not making a big deal of this.

It's so hard for me to get over how he's made me feel about myself. And now I'm so starved for affirmation and even affection; it scares me. I'm afraid of falling into another trap of a relationship. And it's because of him and his porn!

I don't think you're making a big enough deal if it's a major issue for you. You feel the way you feel, no matter what anyone else thinks or feels about it.

Believe it or not, not all men view porn. My stbx has never to my knowledge viewed it or even expressed an interest in viewing it. It's not too much to expect you're significant other not to endulge his fantasies if they come at your expense.

I think it's a shame that we seem to settle for situations and circumstances that end up hurting us because of another person's selfishness.

Nikki, there is a difference between you guy pickin' up a playboy once in awhile, or watching a porn movie occassionaly, and spending so much time with porn that you are damaging the rest of your life.

Don't let his porn problem affect your self-image (easier said than done I know). Even thought they'll denie it in front of other guys, most men don't want a relationship with a porn star. They want someone to love and cherisha and who loves and cherish's them. You're stbx has a problem, not you.

no...it can be very disturbing. It is his problem, not yours

I know how you feel. It's hard to distinguish between what he fantasizes about and what he wants. I know it hurts your feelings and I know you probably feel like you are not enough for him. I have experienced this also. I don't know what to tell you. It really sucks. When you come up with a solution, please let me know what it is. Then maybe I wouldn't feel like crap each time I find the newest video interest.

Nikki..regardless of society's view point, if it is affecting you, its a BIG deal. I too battled a pornography addiction. My wife was left feeling much as you are. I have known my addiction was a problem for a long time, but found ways to justify it over the years. It wasn't until we separated that my wife told me (or I finally listened to her) how much my pornography had hurt her. I am taking steps to correct the problem, but it took me loosing my wife and children to get honest with myself. I am still learning to be honest with others.

You mean I'm not alone in this?? I too have battled these same feelings. The lieing about it, was the worst-it broke my trust. Addictions are difficult for everyone dealing with them. My thoughts & prayers are with ya.

No you are not making a big deal of this..this was a major factor in break up of your mariage.. so it is a valid issue.

try and get counselling for your self image issues and deal with what you can contol and take care of yourself now... move forward and heal yourself.

For the record, Men are not the only ones who can develop porn problems. I have a good friend who couldn't compete with his wife's porn addiction.

Having raised two boys (who are adults now)...a little porn is somewhat normal). Women can look at a Neiman Marcus catalog and have fantasies. Men....and some women seek other outlets..at times...there's the "rub" so to speak. When pornography takes the place of intimacy...it's out of hand! (bad pun).

Yes I know how you feel...my ex did the same thing...ergo..he is my EX!

I can relate to your feelings of what porno does to you. My husband had a problem with it when we were first married. I thought he had stopped. Then last year he confessed that he has always had a problem our whole marriage. He just kept it hidden. He would even go to Adult book stores and see peep shows. Anyway I was really hurt by him hidding it and then by the fact that he is an ob/gyn, it just seemed weird to me. Also we have a good sex life. So I don't know, the addiction really affects their self esteem too.