OK right now I'm putting jellybeans right outside the closed door of the bedroom and watching the dog stick her tongue under the door to try and get them.

I can see her nose now and she is sniffing loudly (snort snort snort)

What kind of fish can't swim at all?

a Dead one

Jane, that is Cruel I tell ya! Hilarious though! Between you and NMguy...I've had to change my underwear 3 times already! LOL

got this in a message earlier today...may offend some. IF it does, get the hell over it.

WHY WOMEN ARE CRANKY...

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).

Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.

When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

Women are the "weaker sex."? Yeah right. Bite me

Oh, Jane!!! hmmmm, my Roxy has a long tongue...She would just breakt he door down, though :-/ hehehe

Cruel maybe but it's funny.Plus she loves it I give her the purple and yellow ones I don't like em.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

yes, confused...being female has it's share of Cranky Stuff

OK, the Monkey one got some of the Minnie Mouse out of my voice!!!

No offense intended on this:
A man goes to the toy store to get his daughter a new barbie doll. The clerk tells him we have:
Disco Barbie-$19.95
Beach Barbie-$25.95
Cheerleader Barbie-$19.95
Divorcing Barbie-$395.00
What? says the man $395.00 for divorcing Barbie? The clerk responds by saying," It does come with Kens house, Kens car, Kens boat and one of Kens friends.

Oh, I am wishing that I WAS Barbie, that Biotch has it All.

Will be happy just to get what was offered.

Are you on title? If so, the house cannot be listed without your signature. If you are not on title, seek legal advice.
Here's one from Comedycentral.com:
An affluent couple are arguing one day. "If you could cook", says the husband, "we could fire the chef". "If you could screw", says the wife, "we could fire the pool guy".

tell the Realtor the Barbie joke.. I like that one..

that Barbie is one lucky bitch I tell you... one lucky bitch...the convertibles.. the jeeps.. the loft in NY...the pad in Malibu...blondes get all the stuff... damn bitch.. wonder if she did the Judge at the Divorce Hearing?...

I had a swim date with a guy who had no arms or legs his name was Bob.

Bob? battery operated boyfriend? Bob's have no arms or legs, they just hum a few bars LOL