Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Please some advice.

deleted_user
deleted_user
I have been struggling with this issue since my husband decided to move out over 3 months ago. We have 2 children still at home, 10, and 17, and a daughter 19 that comes home from college pretty often on weekends. Also 4 other children that live away from home and come to visit regularly. Okay my dilema, he is the one that wants the divorce, I don't. But I struggle with how to act around him, how much I should let him be here when the children are visiting. He wants his own life, should I just shut him out and not let him come over when the kids are here??? I am not a mean, vindective person, but it does hurt me to be around him. Do I swallow my feelings and just smile through everything for the children?? I don't know the right way to handle this. He doesn't want to be married to me, but he does love his children. It is so confusing to me. I just am not sure what to do.
deleted_user
deleted_user
.

Get a Pirate as your Life Coach.

.
deleted_user
deleted_user
What ever you did to your husband, or he did to you, is between the two of you. Live with what you have. I suggest to not put children in middle of mess. You will always be mom to them. He will always be dad to them. Why try to manipulate, or be vindictive at cost to childrens happiness?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Lynthegal, I am in the same boat - he wants it, not me. It is a hard place to be in. This is new to me, so I have the same questions. I have been trying to smile, but inside I am so mad at him for doing this to us. I want to hurt him the same way he hurt me, but....I can't. The kids want him to. I guess he gets it all.
deleted_user
deleted_user
How are the kids handling the situation?
It is great that you are considering swallowing your feelings and trying to smile through it, but you need to sit down with him and set some boundaries as well.

Just my thoughts. I am certainly no expert.
deleted_user
deleted_user
To lynthegal and kulia~

I have to agree with sockpuppet here. I am somewhat in the same boat, but I'm trying to give my advice from an outsiders point of view. Let him see the kids. The kids may pick up on some things now and some things later, but something they will see if they dont' already is that you did what you had to do for them. They will appreciate what you all did - sucking up your feelings in order to let a man who you don't want to divorce see his kids and them see him. You dont' ever want to look back and your kids ask where Dad was this day or if he ever tried to see them and you said no. Then you will become the bad guy or they might resent you. I know the situation all out sucks, but just put your kids first, and it suddenly becomes simple. I'm praying for you both!
deleted_user
deleted_user
why not send the kids to him when they visit and don't get on the emotional roller coaster.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thanks flutterby - really good advise
deleted_user
deleted_user
Lyn, I'msorry you have to struggle with this too. Stbx is a "grown" man and its HIS responsibility as a parent to maintain a relationship with his children if he chooses to do so. At this point, the children are grown as well (other than the 10 yr old) and they are able to choose what kind of relationship they want with their dad. Its a tough place to be in and I'm sorry for your pain....take care!
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks flutterby - Good advice, I have been struggling with the same issue. It is killing me to see him but it is the best thing for the kids. I have enough regrets, I don't want to look back with anymore.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Have you asked your kids what they want?
deleted_user
deleted_user
i disagree here, he wanted out, he's out. all but one of your children are old enough to drive over and see their father. if they want to see him, they should go to his place, and if he wants to see them, he should call them and invite them over. why should he have the convienience of coming into YOUR home. this makes you hurt more and makes you uncomfortable, set your boundry. your not shutting him out, he chose that path himself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband wanted to come over and spend Christmas with the kids. He wanted me to do like I have always done. I do All the shopping, all the wrapping, all the cooking. He shows up to take part of the credit. He gave up on our marriage. He has been decitful, manipulating and out right hurtful with his words and actions. I say with all the pain and all the work I've put in to preparting for Christmas why should he get any credit. I'm sure your spouse could make his own arrangements at his new apartment or at a restaurant. Your kids will understand that it's out of respect for your feelings that things must be different this year. It's a matter of self preservation. My kids are so young that they purely don't understand which makes it easiter to make this choice.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you so much for the imput, I really do want to do the right thing. Of course my kids just want us to not be getting a divorce. They would love to have this all be simple. But the reality is that this is what their dad is choosing. I think the bounderies are important for me to get into place. He isn't living in his own place, he is living in someones bedroom. He does need to grow up and do this like an adult. I agree that I need not worry about his feelings in this anymore. I am trying hard to not have my children in the middle. I am just to use to making everything work for everyone else. But this is my home now, I need to stand up for me. Thank you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
if he has to come over to be with the children, i think it is fair to arrange to do so when you don't need to be at home. i am wary of the sucking it up for the children approach because this, too, teaches them something. it is his responsibility to create a home for his children and to welcome them in to it.

i hope that part of no longer being married is that he has the respect and courtesy to not expect to visit whenever it is convenient for him. i would set days and try as hard as possible to follow a schedule. your children will get more accustomed to things with a clear routine. you don't need to be involved in a weird family situation, such as all interacting with the children together in your home. he left.

we all know that you are not a mean person BTW : )
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hey, I just want to tell you that you are beautiful, kind, intelligent, a great mom and a very STRONG woman.
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