A few months ago my husband and I started hanging out with one of his friends he grew up with and his wife. At first everything was great. We were having fun and hanging out. We started drinking and smoking pot (keep in mind I had only smoked pot once in my life) After a couple of months of hanging out with them his friend kissed me one night. I kissed back for a split second and pulled away. I was confused about the feelings I was having. My husband is a good man. He worships the ground I walk on. I felt repulsed, but at the same time I have very low self esteem and so the attention felt good to some part of me. I was molested and raped as a child and I never received counseling for that and so I never dealt with it. I justified it in my mind as "it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't pretty" The same thing happened with this. It made me feel like I was pretty, and when you have no self esteem these feelings cause confusion. Because of this confusion, it happened more than once. Over a two week period, it happened more than five times but less than ten. Each time, it brought back these feelings of being attractive, but once it was over, I felt horrible again. Each time it happened, it was initiated by this other guy. I never went to him and tried anything. There were times I had my back turned and he came up and grabbed me and kissed me quickly and walked away. He also tried to get me to send him dirty pics on his phone, talk dirty to him, and he even wanted me to come to his house and sleep with him while everyone else was at work or school. My husband doesn't understand the deep rooted psychological problems that I feel led to this. Nor does he understand the effects of the alcohol and marijuana. My husband has told me that he loves me deeply and cares for me but he just can't be with me anymore. We shared an extreme amount of love and trust before this incident, and I don't understand how he can consider letting it go. I know what I done was wrong and I am truly sorry for hurting him. What do I do to make him see that this is not going to happen again? I don't want to feel this way ever again and I don't want him to hurt the way he is hurting now. How do I make him understand what goes on in my mind? Please help! Any advice is welcome!
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