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3 Online
3 Online

Passive aggressive behavior

I have been with my husband for 10+ years and have never been able to put my finger on what has been our communication issues until recently. Our relationship is based on passive aggressive behaviors. Him being the passive aggressor and me playing the rescuer and victim. (yes I am in counseling for myself to deal with my downfalls). What I would like to know is has anyone out there stayed in their marriage like this and been able to deal with by both parties - with help from counseling ect- and move beyond a passive aggressive cycle? All I see out there is that the best way to deal with this is by leaving the relationship. It is gut wrenching to me to think that the only way out is to leave. (That is just where I am at with the thought of leaving.) We have children and he will be parenting them if I am with him or not and what kind of distance do you put between parenting and self? Where have any of you drawn the line? When was it time to try and a time to say goodbye? Is it worth trying? I have SOOO many questions and am looking for insight. Thanks!

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

think clearly and long..divorce sucks the big one, but if its the right choice in your heart and you're head do it..if theres any chance on working things out, i sure would try.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Mine wasn't passive aggressive. He was the decision maker on EVERYTHING - when and what for dinner, time for us to go to gym, go to the store and buy this. Now that I am alone, I miss having somebody tell me what to do. I don't have anybody to tell me "remember to lock your doors", etc. So be careful what you wish for because if that is the relationship you are used to, it may be tough to relearn to relate to somebody else in a different way.
deleted_user
deleted_user

it's always worth trying!! i too am dealing with passive agressive behaviour and it is confusing and frustrating at times. in my case, he won't see a counselor (even when he did, he said he would 'go' but not participate), won't do anything pro-actively to make things better...i have no other choice than to move on. the part that is difficult is that it's not imperitive that i leave immediately. i'm a sahm, and it's not like he's physically hurting me or our child. i know it has to happen (us physically separate) soon, but for now, we are separated in our house.

good luck with your situation...keep in mind you have to know YOUR limits. what you can live with. make sure you don't make any rash decisions and that you are in a 'good place' before you decide what to do.

many blessings to you!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Well I've been married to my husband 17yrs. Known him since the fifth grade dated after high school had four children together a daughter and 3 sons. He has been passive aggressive since i can remember and our time apart was usually because he would be incarcerated and this last time i kicked him out with an order of protection but as you might know passive aggressive is so confusing and the biggest roller coaster i hate to admit it but it is better to leave the relationship but i am personally still married and chose to defend myself when he is aggressive and be with him when he is passive the boundaries were not there and are just being set but u can see the inconsistency i haven't dealt so well with the death do us part i am to hopeful that there is a solution to this i am still seeking myself
MsBlank1
MsBlank1

I stayed in a very passive aggressive marriage for 24 years.I've been seperated for 4 years now and am in the middle of the divorce right now. It's been very difficult as he still is using his behavior to try and manipulate the divorce(he doesn't want it). My stbx was highly abusive and had his mom and grandparents in on the abuse.We tried marriage counseling for 2.5 years and I have had therapy for around 19 years now. I'm happier than I've ever been and now know I'm not crazy!!! I have no contact with my stbx.Our children are grown.The youngest(a daughter who is 19)lives with him and he has turned her against me with a bunch of lies....but I know one day she will know the truth. I keep the kids out of the divorce stuff. I wish you the best.It's a difficult decision,but we are all here for you :)
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am married to a severe passive aggressive narcissist. I had no idea for 8 years of our 10 year marriage what passive aggressiveness was. I am a firm believer than anyone can change, but it requires absolute commitment and a lot of hard work with the help of a therapist or counselor. If your husband is willing to go to therapy and is showing a 100% commitment, I'd say its worth considering pursuing. The reality though is that most passive aggressors do not change. You need to know this when you make a decision.
If he recognizes he has issues and is willing to work on them and proves it with action...I think you owe it to yourself to exhaust all means to make this marriage work. I wish you luck, I really do.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi to whoever reads this.
this is the first time i have ever belonged to a supportive site, i am 63 yrs old,i have been married to an emotional abuser for 42 years and am at the end of my tether. i have left once but seem unable to cut off conmpletely (as i truly need to do for my sanity and wellbeing.)because i am one of those beings who have to know absolutely what it is they were involved in before they can cut all ties.thanks for your email i am glad someone else knows what it is like .can other women please contact as i need to get to the bottom of what has been a life totally overwhelmed by the se -saw effect of being married to a passive aggressor who also has narcisistic tendancies.
deleted_user
deleted_user

you have so much invested in your marriage and so much potential for it to really improve. i would think that it would be much easier for the two of you to get your heads together to evaluate your needs, your wants, and how best to make a great relationship that works for both of you.

get some good couples counseling so that you two can learn to communicate and understand each other.

divorce and the years that follow are absolutely not a good option for you. it's only a last option.
Skwerl
Skwerl

If there's still love, than it's always worth trying.

In my experience passive agressivness is most often an indicator of some other issue. To end a marriage over a symptom and not getting at the heart of the real problem would be a mistake, in my opinion. It may totally be his problem, but you owe it to both of you and your kids to learn why before going through this hell.

This is a very good article:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

It's awesome that you're going to counseling. Is he? Have you asked him? Does he know how you feel? I know it may seem impossible to talk to him as he is passive agressive, but all you may need to do is let him know how you feel. He doesn't need to respond.

And to be brually honest, maybe you getting a handle on your rescuing and victim (codependent?) issues may shake him up a bit. He may be feeding into that. I'm definitely not saying it's all your fault, it's not. But it may be a bigger part of the whole problem than you thought?

Good luck! ((((((photojen))))))
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Photojen :) it doesn't look like you have written at this site for quite a while, but your story inspired me to join this page. I'm curious how you are and what decisions you have made since posting? I am currently trying to leave my passive aggressive marriage of 5 years, together for 9 with a beautiful little 2 year old boy in the mix. Never in my life had I ever planned to leave the father of my child, but when one has tried every single angle with so much given of themselves to the point they themselves are now filled with endless depression and anxiety, what choice to you have? I still question my thoughts every hour, but when I really break down all realities, there really is only one answer. I wish to the high heavens my pa husband could realize even an ounce of what he is and has been doing, but it just isn't happening. We have been seperated in our home for over 2 months now and I am searching for my 'out'. I often search different pa husband forum sites and chat rooms, and I get so discouraged by responses from nice people that haven't experienced this way of living. So I'm so curious how things are for you and hope your feet are on the ground and you are happy and finding the life and self confidence you absolutely diserve! No one should fight a lifetime of abuse, noone. There's good in everyone, I truly believe that, but I've learned there can be just too damn much hurt too, and sometimes people just don't want to be helped, and in the meantime you and your children, nor me and my child should suffer the daily to lifetime sentence this disorder delivers. I wish you the absolute best. Hope all has been well since 2008!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

My husband was one of those kids that gained control of his parents by being passive aggressive. He IS an expert at it and he doesn't even know it. There is a book called The Passive Aggressive Man (or husband or male or something like that) that he agreed to read and thought it explained some of his behavior. It didn't help a whole lot, but it opened the door a crack. We were in couples therapy for 6 yrs and are now divorcing.

I agree with hayes1 (welcome!) that you should not have to suffer a daily lifetime sentence of this kind of infuriating abuse.
patti22
patti22

I grew up with passive agressive, and there was some of it in the marriage.

Well, not really. He was a do it my way, or nothing kind of guy. He wasn't violent, but he just didn't participate in whatever he wasn't into.

And actually that's the best way to deal with passive-agressive. If you're not interested in being a part of something....just don't. The thing about passive-agressive, is that they're agression is well...passive. They're NOT the ones that hit, yell, or bully. They're the ones that will swear up and down that they'll be there, and how much they want to be there, and then when it's time......they won't show up.

Talk less. Talk hardly at all. Don't ask why? Who cares why? Why is the reason in their head that makes it OK. Every single why is something that came before you....so it's painful. But it's not really something that came before you, it's just something that made it OK in their head. That's why they can say (and Mean) that they love you more than anything, but still have all these things that make everything OK.

So don't do anything on the basis of a promise. Or play by their rules that "something" else came up. Shrug, blink your eyes, and agree. Then repeat, something else came up and walk away.
deleted_user
deleted_user

This is an old thread, but I wonder how things worked out for photojen?

She posted this two years ago.
patti22
patti22

Oh shoot SFY, I missed that! I didn't recognize the avitar and thought she was new.

Yeah, I hope things are good with her too.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Yes, it is an old thread, but it looks like it was from 2008, then bumped in March of this year and again last night.