Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Paradigm shift

deleted_user
deleted_user
I went to my counsellor the other day. Here and elsewhere I have been told that the breakup of a marriage is followed by a greiving process. The doctor agreed but changed my thinking. I know that my breakup was the healthiest thing for both of us. My doctor pointed out that I was greiving but I was greiving the loss of the concept of a relationship and not the loss of my marriage or stbx. Our marriage thinking back was one of turmoil abuse and addiction. Having this new perspective allows my tears to make sense to me.

So what do you all think of this way of lookinng at things?
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is actually something I have struggled with alot. My dreams and expectations of what marriage was supposed to be vs what it really was.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Any way of looking at it that will make it Make Sense so that you can effectively Deal With It is GOOD.

I needed it to become Intellectual...not just heartache. Then I could do something about it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sounds like you are on the right track.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yeah, it's more about the loss of an ideal than it is the loss of the actual relationship.
When I got my finalized divorce packet, it didn't really change anything. If anything, it felt weird holding a document that summed up my marriage in such cold, hard terms. So that by itself didn't bring me any closure.

It was only when I let myself mourn the loss of the vows, the promises and the ideals that I felt like I finally made progress in healing.
GeocacherNY
GeocacherNY
that's 20 cents? (a pair of dimes?)

you can look at it how ever you want, the more positive, the better.

I'm going to look at my decree like a Marital Diploma. I never got a deGree, so I'm graduating marital school.

That was Some Tuition! And no financial aid.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I've pretty much come to the conclusion that there are no intellectual answers to emotional issues. Time is the only thing that has benefited me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know for a fact that I'm not grieving the loss of my STBX, but rather the loss of the concept of a relationship, the loss of a dream.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It really is like a death of "US" for me. I am moving thru all of the stages of grief and then some. I feel better when I admit(to myself)that my dreams and hopes of a future married to this man are over.
Start thinking about YOUR dreams for the future. It will help you move on.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm with #1 and #4. I greive the death of a concept of two becoming one. Building dreams and realizing them to fruitation. Looking forward with hope and expectation. That is what I feel I have lost. The person that I chose to put my faith in did not live up to the hipe.
deleted_user
deleted_user
In group last night I realized something. I realized that if I were choosing a mate for the first time, I would not choose my STBX. We aren't a match. I have grown, matured, changed; he has not. No judgment just a statement of fact.

But, I still grieve because it upsets family, even the grown children.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i just wanted to add that i love the word paradigm
deleted_user
deleted_user
I definitely agree. It's the same for me, it's the loss of the hopes and dreams and the future that I thought we were building that I mourn. Mostly, I mourn it for my kids, because it's their dreams that will be shattered forever. I can grow and learn from this experience and find love again in a healthy relationship (I hope!), but they will never again have an intact family with both of their parents together. That is the most difficult for me to accept and deal with. I'm from a broken home, so I know how it feels. For me, it really never got better, even after 35 yrs.
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