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Overnight at the House - She Leaves

deleted_user
deleted_user
Ok, I've been separated a little over two months. From the very first day I have been asked to come back to the house and spend the night with the kids. Then she would leave for the weekend, or the night, and come back sometime on Sunday/next day.

She tells me that she will just stay at her mother's, and I am really trying to be fair by saying that at the least I have some small doubt about that.

In all fairness, she has a tough time as a mother of 4, stay st home, etc... so I can see giving a break. But also in all fairness, I don't see the value of being with the kids in the house after they are asleep. At that point I am just babysitting for free.

I did this one weekend to try it and it just wasn't right. I did enjoy being home with. the kids and all the comforts etc.. but also it wasn't a good feeling for me at all.

Then she did it to me by surprise the Saturday after Thanksgiving, planned it out and didn;t even tell me until right before.

I guess the question is, and I know the answer after writing it out, is that not totally unfair to ask me to do that? I told her I won't do it again.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm sure this is a really rough time for you. That being said, I have a couple questions:
1. Why can't the kids go and stay with you for the weekend where you're living?
2. Why do you think being with YOUR kids is babysitting?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Why can the kids not come to you?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wish I could that...any minute spent with my kids, even if they're sleeping, because I got them in their pj's, read them a bedtime story, kissed them goodnite and tucked them into their beds is worth it. That's what they'll remember. Why would you rather be at your place alone...sad..wondering what your kids were doing?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Logistically its not possible right now. I don't live in good conditions, but I am going to work on that too.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Do you have visitation? If so, you should exercise that visitation. You are not babysitting when they are your own kids but you do have a right to a set schedule. Joint custody for the NCP is typically one day during the week and every other weekend. 50/50 can work a number of ways...my x bf had 50/50 and he had Monday/Tuesday while his x had Wed/Thurs every week and they alternated Fri/Sat/Sun.

Good luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you can't take them to your house, I think staying with them at theirs is a good solution. It's not babysitting when there your kids--it's visitation.
deleted_user
deleted_user
After reading your other reply...these are your kids. Do you want to be an absent father? Even if you are paying CS they have every right to have a daddy. It sounds like your stbx is willing to let you stay at the house to exercise visitation. I'd take her up on that...APOLOGIZE for telling her that you won't do it again...and be there for your kids. You have a responsibility to be more than just a paycheck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I've offered my husband basically the same thing - he drives long haul - basiclly we've been separted for 7 months - he has no place of his own - our children are much older being 17 and 20 both still live at home - I've indicated I would be more than happy to leave for a weekend if he wants to come up and spend it with the kids - he has done it once - probably feels uncomfortable being here as well. I feel it still is his house as well - and just felt it would be a way for him to visit with the kids if he wanted it - PS - I'm afraid I don't see the correlation about babysitting - they are your children
deleted_user
deleted_user
They're your kids, your not babysitting them, your spending time with them whether they are awake or asleep. Isnt that a plus???

Unfortunately, until you are in a place that they can come to you this is how it is going to have to be if you want to see them.....cant you work out some type of visitation schedule so she cant just come and go at whim.

But please, dont call it babysitting because it's not, it's a father spending time with his kids because that IS what is important.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well since you view it as babysitting for free, I'm wondering if you are paying her babysitting fees when she's home with them after sleep and for naps? Are you or their mother 15?
deleted_user
deleted_user
it's not unfair to ask that of you given that you are the father. however, at the same time, she could be using you.

if you wanna clean up the situation and not be taken advantage of, get your house in order, get a schedule of visitation with the kids, and after that tell her no more.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am sorry, but I am so confused - how is being with your kids babsitting? And the value of you being home with them while they are asleep is to keep them safe in case of fire, someone breaks in, one of you 4 children has a night mare and needs comfort. parenting is 24/7.
Sounds like she has given you lots of oprotuninties to be w/ your kids. And it nice of her to leave so you can just enjoy them and your 4 children get to enjoy you.

"but also it wasn't a good feeling for me at all."

Why would you say that? You were with your kids. I am sorry, but I feel bad for your kids and your stbx. She needs a break and you need TIME with your kids. Please do it as much as possible, they are only young once.
I am trying to be a friend to you right now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I had the same thought as vicki....why is it that you think that you are "babysitting"? They ARE your children, correct? They're your responsibility too. Moms need breaks!

It sounds as though the issue is that you feel like you're being used and you don't like the idea of her having a life outside of being a mom. I'm not defending her, because I don't know the circumstances (perhaps she IS acting irresponsibly or immaturely), but that's besides the point. You can't control her behavior, only your own. As long as she's not harming the children or exposing them to her behavior, there's nothing that you can do. Does she have a say in what YOU do with your free time?

I don't mean to sound harsh, because given the same circumstances I know that I would be worried/jealous of what my X was doing...it's human nature. Try not to focus on her, but on the time that you have with your kids.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I just can't get what you wrote out of my mind....go love your kids, any chance you have. Day, Night. Just love them. The only way to have a great relationship with them is to be with them in person. Phone calls, short visits, these are not enough. Anytime you get a chance to love them, just do it. They are having a hard time as well. This breaks thier heart, we suffer in a break up but so do the kids. They need comfort from both parents. In person.
OK, I'll get off my soapbox now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
during our divorce, I would let her stay here at my house until things got bitterly tragic at the end. She had alterior motives to say the least and I stopped letting her stay here all together. She now takes the kids a couple nights a week to her bf's who leaves when my kids are there and goes to his mothers. If I could be with my kids 24/7 it might be enough. You should if giong there when they go to bed is a problem, get there before dinner, cook for them, bathe them and get them ready for bed, read them stories, get up the next morning, cook them a home style breakfast, spend the entire day and evening with them, then get them off and ready for bed then the soon to be ex can come back. that way, you have uninterrupted dad/kids time and its definitely not babysitting when you've fathered them. I know you really meant more like you felt she was just using you and you were frustrated. Best to you. Go get those kids and give them lots of loving.
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