He's gone back and fourth for 9 months. He just told me there is no hope for the future. I just don't know how to accept that. I am so sorry for what i've done. It is all my fault, according to him, and im starting to believe that. He is better, comes from better, will be better. I've held on to hope that we could reconcile for 9 months, now that hope is gone. I don't know what to hold onto now. I can't deal with this. Im bawling, and he's casually cooking out and playing with our children. If the person i gave 15 years to and 5 children doesn't want me...who ever will? How do i watch him move on and create a home and life with someone else when i never got that although i wanted it so badly my body ached. Time heals nothing, im no better today than i was years ago...I don't think anything could possilby ever take away the loss i feel over all of this. Why were my mistakes so devastaing that it will end our life, but i forgave and kept trying? How can i accept any of this. I can't. I want to erase every memory i have.
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