i;ve been reading through some discussions about codependancy and manipulation. my heart is breaking and these are scaring me. i left my first husband and met my second within a year. i knew it was too soon but i didnt want to be alone. he seemed to be pretty obsessed with me and i could pretty much get all i need from him. he took on my child from my first marriage and we had another together. we had some pretty angry arguments over the years but i always managed to show him the door and he would beg to stay. i think i was testing him to see if he would love me forever, like nobody ever had. things started to settle down and we brougt the kids up (lots of angry fight in between though) then the dynamics started to change. he began to throw things at me verbally, are you thick?, stupid, you dont know how to stay in a relationship. his temper grew and the kids were pretty afraid of him in their early years. i sometimes felt that i simply did not love him anymore and wanted out. i often didnt know what atmosphere i was coming home to most nights. in the last year of our relationship we slept separately and hardly spoke. his threats to leave were frequent and he did not get on with my child from first marriage which didnt help matters. i find my cruel words to him unbearable to recall over the last few months of our relationship and only wish i could go back and change this. not necessarily to change the situation now but to reduce the blame and guilt i feel. If i truly felt i no longer had feelings for him towards the end, why the hell do i feel so heartbroken? it has been over a year now and i am aching inside as he seems to have moved on pretty well. i see no temper anymore so his accusation that i made him depressed and angry seems to ring true now. i made the final decision for him to leave as he had threatened it and told me to get the money from the house for him, then he would be gone. but i still feel the one who was responsible for behaving badly through the relationship and making the final decision to break up. my self esteem is so low i dont know where to start. i have apologised to him many months ago and he just said 'i know you are sorry'. he has yet to apologise to me, which makes me feel he blames me for it all, and is now happy where he is. he is so damn plausable it makes me angry. all the times he snapped at me or ignored me, or told me not to be stupid. oh, can you tell i'm not having a very good day? what the hell is wrong with me and where on earth do i start to accept my failings without agonising over it all.
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